When to move back in together?

[runningoutoftime]

Saffie,

I completely agree that a spouse should want to be with you and that being married and having a family together should be the first choise. The revolving door and yo-yoing can be very difficult. I've gone though it. Unfortunately, I've learned sometimes it does take time. Even when they come back the yo-yoing can occur. Sadly, some people are really immature, or "living on the surface," and it takes them a long time to realize what's important and valuable in life.... and some never will learn it until it's too late.

Girl, another thing... sometimes the initial reasons a spouse comes back are not the romantic, idealistic ones you'd want. You might want to hear something like, "I love you and can't live without you...." and a spouse may still be really confused, scared of being flayed, not entirely certain where things are going to lead.... there may be a lot of guilt, even sadness over losing the fantasy relationship they had. Piecing can sometimes be very hard and take a lot of time.

[the girl]

I have been unloved by this man for so long, and I am so used to just living that way, that its hard to imagine him telling me he loves me.

I am hanging on because I am trying to be responsible for my choice to marry and procreate with him. I am trying to be an adult. I don't want to run away from my problems.

I am sooo cynical about love in general. Do I love him? Yes...I love everyone in my life.

It would be unbelievably good if he said he is back for me. But I don't expect him to.

In my gut, I really like who I am, I love my life and I am a happy person. I know that God is immensely good.

I know my H has always had issues. I knew this before I married him. I still did it. So I have to own up for what I have done.

I had/have issues to, but I have developed a very strong faith in Christ that has really transformed my entire identity. I thought the same would happen to him. I still think it can.

But the things my mom has said have now become like a large slash in my tires; am I living in denial?

But I also look around at other men in my family. THey all screwed up. Why does she think he is so unique, and unforgivably bad?

I think we are all capable of adultery. For those who do it, I still think there is redemption. God forgave me, and forgives me daily. I have done rotten stuff too.

As for the yo-yo, I have already told him this is his last chance to work it out with me. Also, I will absolutely not tolerate infidelity in my home. If he does, his stuff will be on the front lawn and I will post pictures on this forum to prove it!

Im just not desperate to save the marriage at all costs anymore. I have done my best to change how I treat him, and now it is his turn.

A friend of mine reminded me that although he is moving back in, the deal is not sealed. She said that if I don't see the needed improvements over time that I can still call it quits. Moving back in is a step toward reconciliation. So that helps me realize this isn't the be all end all.

So good to be able to get your feedback!
The Girl

[the girl]

Well, we celebrated our eighth anniversary last night. He sent me a gorgeous bouquet and took me to a fine restaurant where we had a good night. I told him I had to talk about some serious things; he tried to get it out of me but I didn't really get into it because I wanted to have fun.

Today, at his prompting and encouragement, I sent him the two requirements i have come up with if we are to live together again.
One, that he give me proof of the end of the A, including how much contact they have had since he broke up with her. I need closure.
Two, that he write letters to our parents explaining his intentions about moving back in.

I asked for the second because I am tired of answering for him. He has hurt them all deeply and they are very concerned about him manipulating and lying to me all over again.

I am still deeply hurt by my mom's words. I am so, so scared she is right. It also pains me that here is another way I have to pay for this stupid affair: my family never accepting him back. I will suffer with that for years!:(

Will post when I get a response to my requests...
The Girl

[the girl]

Please help!

I have heard nothing from my H. Now I am deeply regretting what I asked him, thinking that his silence indicates he is not wanting to end his friendship with OW. I am also now thinking my desire to have him write is wrong; he should do it on his own accord.

I am flipping back and forth between standing up for myself and requiring fidelity, and not pressuring him and keeping all the positive efforts going--just letting him go through it all as he will.

I am normally the kind of woman who lets others walk over me, so I was thinking it was good that I stood up for myself to him. Which is great, but it may not get my marriage back together.

Now I feel like writing him and saying I changed my mind, that the fact he wants to come home is good enough for me.

I was looking at my baby daughter, wondering how much more pain I can endure with him contacting OW, in order to keep our family together in the long run.

Eventually, if I am nice enough and try my hardest to make our home wonderful, he will naturally distance himself from the OW, right?

On the other hand, I am getting advice from everyone I know that I can't let him in so easily, that i have to have requirements.

Uggg. This is so hard. I just want my family back together and this stupid affair put way behind us.
The Girl

[DaveJ]

Try the book Getting Back Together. Give you some guidance on when you should get back together. If he isn't willing to cut ties with OW then you don't really have a marriage do you? You probably won't get much respect from him if you don't stand your ground on this. Until he stops contact with OW, he's not fully committed to this M.

[the girl]

Hey runningoutoftime,
Have you been reading my thread? Despite what I want, it seems like your perspective is the one most realistic to my sitch.

My H responded to my two requests with a flat denial to do either. He says it is over with the OW and they have only exchanged emails twice in the last month. He says he has been proving his recommitment with his actions and that he doesn't want to use words. He says the fact that he has been involved with us should prove he is trying to work on our marriage. He does not want to formally cut contact because he does not want to go back on his word, like he has a few times before. In his mind it is over, and he wants me to accept that.

As for our family, he says he doesn't give a s&@^ what they think. He only considers me and our girls his family.

When I speak of the support I have received, he seems embarassed/in denial. He is still very isolated socially. He says he is still working things out about how he will enter back into relationships. He thinks once we are recommitted and on the road to recovery that the other relationships will fall into place.

I told him I wanted him to think of me, and do these things for me. He says, what about all the things I have been doing?

He said if I insist on forcing these things we will just get divorced; he will not do what I ask...

It was fairly defensive/shameful tone that he spoke with. But as he spoke I could see the gleaming white counters behind him that he had cleaned while I was gone at a baby shower this morning.

So, lots of positive actions. Not much verbal emotional support. Perhaps that will come at Retrouvaille.

So, it looks like I am letting him back in. Of course I feel disrespected and unloved. It looks like I have to accept his terms this one last time, and let him prove if he wants a family with me or not. In a way, it is his deal.

My hope is that the feelings will return. Now to the task of living 'as if' he loved me.

The path looks like it is all vertical, with lots of boulders and thorns, on a winter night. But I have a little flashlight, and people keep telling me that the sun will come out and the trail will get easier...and I have some hot chocolate.

Onward!
The Girl

[cat03]

don't know your whole story, but for what is worth. There are a number of sucessful people here who's S still has some minimal to almost no contact with the A partner.

=========================
Of course I feel disrespected and unloved
=========================
yes hon, the wounds are very fresh and it will hurt for a long while, before the dreaded op came to my H recently, he had actually been saying ILY (took 6mts for that). It takes time.

-----------------------
He has hurt them all deeply and they are very concerned about him manipulating and lying to me all over again
-----------------------
You dont' have to answer for him, a simple "he's not ready to talk yet" should be enough. Eventually, when the craziness wears off, he will have to face them all, it's on him, not on you, he has to do it. As family, they are too close to the sitch and might put doubts in your brain. It's so easy to say "just dump him, he lied to you", but they aren't in your shoes, so take all they say to you with a grain of salt.

----------------------------------------------
I am still deeply hurt by my mom's words. I am so, so scared she is right. It also pains me that here is another way I have to pay for this stupid affair: my family never accepting him back. I will suffer with that for years!:(
=====================================
My cousin had her H cheat on her, racked up a huge debt, wanted to divorce her and she still took him back. Her mom told her that if she took him back she'd never speak to her again, everyone (including me at the time, about 5yrs ago) thought she was so stupid by taking that cheat and liar back. We hated his guts and for the longest time he wouldnt' show up to family events (that is a big reason why only this cousin and my sister knew about my H leaving, they don't know about the 2 As though).
I'm sure she was aware we were all against him. But do you know what she did? whenever they were together she was her loving sweet self, would hug him, treat him nice and be all natural. And I thought to myself "well, if it's alright to her, then heck, it should be alright to me too" and as time went by we all admited him back to the family. She taught us how to treat him, and in the end it paid off. I barely give it a second thought now whenever I see him.
Has your mom been in your shoes? if not, she will never understand, that's why she is so unforgiving.

What helped me to be less judgemental about my H's deception was my bible study this week, about David and Bathsheba. If a chosen-by-God king could have been tempted to kill a woman's husband to cover his adultery even though he already had 6 wives and the right to pick ANYone else, then NO one is free from falling. Also thought me that God can forgive the unforgivable.

[Sara]

TG,

When you are going to Retrouvaille? I think it's OK to let him back in now, because you will be able to make more headway to Retro. So as long as you two can be civil, hopefully friendly, to each other til then you'll do alright.

[Aud31]

Girl,

Our H's could be the same person....and you and I as well. When I first discovered the infidelity, I spent a lot of time making lists of the things I expected H to change if he wanted to keep it together.

Over time, I have realized that my H is who he is. He has shown me his love and commitment in the same ways your H is trying to: spending time with me, helping with the kids and the house. I've tried and tried to drag out of him the reassurances and promises I think I need to hear...it always backfires in my face. I think it's because when it comes down to it, we're both unique individuals with different perspectives. No amount of demanding from me is going to change who he fundamentally is deep down inside.

I knew he wasn't perfect when we married. Knew it well, and I also chose to proceed and procreate. After all this, I know that without him I'll be okay, but if there's any chance at all to keep it together, it's a chance I have to take. It's worth it for me and my children.

My family has been unbelieveably supportive. I'm really grateful for that. They have not tried to sway my decision either way, but I am aware that they have worried about me suffering from something akin to "battered wife syndrome" when it comes to giving him more chances in regards to continued (limited, I believe) contact with OW. I know it's been hard for them to watch me go through this. But I and they know that it's MY choice to make, and for now, I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm sorry your family is taking a stand against your choice. But it is YOUR choice. You are the only one who can make it.

I tried setting my deal-breaker boundaries. To date, I don't believe they have been met entirely. But I do see progress and effort that shows committment. And that is hard for me to throw out. I still worry, I still fear...but I have so many positives, and you do to.

You both have to heal and change in your own ways. Neither of you have all the answers. I know it's hard and scary, especially when you feel like you're standing alone. Hang in there, see what happens at your Retro weekend, and take care.

[the girl]

Ugh. I snooped out his phone records last night.

Then I look over my calendar and remember all the things he told me, now realizing they were half truths or flat out lies.

She just won't go away.

Today I feel so worthless, isolated and confused. I want to stick my head under a rock.
I snooped because I wanted to know if I can trust his word. The answer is, mostly no. He is supposed to be moving back in a few weeks.

We have talked, and all I asked is that he listen to me. That he understand how deeply he hurts me and how she is the biggest enemy of our family. He says he understands.

So, I just have to trust him again. Thats what he says. I guess if he can move all his stuff in, he can just move it back out again, right?

Once again, the feeling is like watching the Braveheart disembowelment scene---dear God, when will this end?-----only it's me getting tortured.

I guess I just have to take the pain.
The Girl