Hi Faith, boy I know what you mean about feeling judged elsewhere. Oh man, its bad for me. The two people I have told have been awful. Of course, they just want me happy, but they want me happy with what THEY would do in my position. Its very frustrating!
I hope the trip is a turning point for you. But promise to come back and give us old folks some good advice when you move to piecing!!
Lwb - I know that friend just really want the best for us, but until you have been in this situation, you can not possible tell me what you would do. I have gotten more from this board and my DB coach then any where else. I love my DB coach, Jodi. She is so awesome. I always come away from our conversations with a plan. I can't say that I'm always real comfortable with the plan, but I do it anyway and so far it has been rewarding.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Has he said anything at all about why the sex has been nonexistent between you guys for so long? That is a long time for a man to go without sex. Or is this a physical affair?
I could go on and on about your question, so I will try to keep it short. My H has told me that until he is 100% committed, he doesn't feel that sex would be good for us. He says that he is afraid that it would just hurt me more if things didn't work out. Without going into a long explanation, I believe him. This is not out of charater for him. He doesn't want to hurt anyone and to him sex is the ultimate of intimacy. He is not in his relationship with OW for sex. It is emotional and unless we had hours to discuss his childhood, you wouldn't understand.
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Also is it possible he could be going through a mid life crisis? Like maybe there could be some things bothering him.
I thought about the MLC many times. In some ways it could be, but there are too many things that don't really point to that. However you are correct there are some things that bother him. He is very goal orinated and his career is who he is. He left a job of 18 yrs with Hewitt Packard two years ago to work for himself in real estate. He did very well his first 1 1/2 yrs ranking 7th in the real estate company he was working for. Since last November the market has cooled. But he started his A when he was on his high and not on is low. I do think he questions, where am I with my life, who I am and what I have done. So MLC could be possible, only this isn't his first A. He has had other EA. Nothing like this. Just some feel good stuff. Nothing where he would consider leaving our M. I have known about the other EA's, but they were swept under the rug. I really feel this is about childhood issues.
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In a way it surprises me that his woman is so much younger.
He has told me that he didn't know she was younger when he first met her. I know what she looks like, I would have to agree with him. She does look much older then her age. What really attached him, in my opinion, and because we have talked about this many time before she ever existed, is because she had no attachments. No XH and no kids. No baggage as he would say. I believe the other EA's have always had baggage.
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Could he be maybe having regrets about never having children?
Before we got married, I offered to try to have children with him. He wanted nothing to do with it. He was put in a state orphanage when he was 3 and then lived with a foster family until he was 12. He has always said that he didn't think he would be a good father because he did not have a role model. I think he would be now, but heck he is almost 50. I have also repeatedly told him that OW will want kids, even if she is now saying she doesn't. He continues to say "I do not want children and I have told her that." So to answer your question, I do not believe this is a regret he has.
His Therapist says that these EA's are safety nets. Because deep down he is afraid that I will leave him, just like his parents did. His parents left him over and over and over again. They would come to see him at the foster home every two week and then leave him. He would always say "please don't leave me. Are you coming back." How sad is that. So I can understand why he needs safety nets, even though I do not condon it. The problem is this one went to far. Unlike the others.
Sorry to be so wordy. I told you it wouldn't be short. I love this man with all my heart. He is so kind and giving and should be proud of what he has done with his life given his situation. I would not be the women I am today if it were not for him. He has brought me to the Lord. This is probably the most important thing he could have done for me and I love him for it, even if we don't make it through this together.
Ok, so how I'm crying.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Believe me, the coaches are well worth the money. I started out with 3 sessions. I used them sparenly. About 1 month after my 3rd session, things were really changing and so I bought 3 more sessions. I have one left. I use them when I really am stuck and things are not changing or when things are really changing fast. Jodi is so wonderful and I always come away feeling like I have a plan that I can work with for at least a month. So far she had been right on.
If you can afford it, do it. It is for your marriage and the rest of your life. I think it is well worth the price. I have wasted more money this this.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Well we had a wonderful 10 days together. I only messed up twice with snid comments about OW. The vacation was a success. I got the 5 Languages of Love CD's and took them for the 5 1/2 ride. Told H about them and told him we would only listen to them if he wanted to. It wasn't 1/2 hour into the drive and he asked me to put in one of the CD's. I did and when it was over, I ask him if he was tired of listening or if he wanted to listen to another. He said he wanted to listen to another. So we ended up listen to all of them and then discussing them afterward.
When we got home on Sunday, he hugged me and then started to cry. Which really surprised me. I said please talk to me what is wrong, tell me. Between sobs, he says he has hurt me so much. I said yes, but I can't live in the past, only the now and the future. He cries some more then goes out to the garage.
Monday evening while I'm over at a friends house he leaves me two vm telling me how much fun he had and how much he admired me. Not sure what he means by that. That the time together was making him look at things in a different light and how he didn't want to go back to his friends house where he was living, but understood that he could not come home unless he was 100% committed to me and our marriage. I didn't call him back.
When I got into work this morning I see an e-mail that he sent at 10:00 the night before saying that he had hoped that I would have called him last night after receiving his two vm's. He reiterated how much he loved every minute of our vacation, my brother and how he loved me. He said that in so many ways he wanted his old life back but with no more of the past. Just honesty and that he was leaning toward wanting his wife back too. He had concerns that included
How can I make it up to you? How can you ever forgive me for what I have done? Will you take it out on me, your hurt and anger year after year?
I wrote back to him telling him what a great time I had too and then tried to answer his concerns and told him several of the concerns that I had like how will I know you have zero contact with OW and how would you protect our marriage from this happening again in the future. I haven't heard back from him yet. Oh, and I told him that I got in to late last night to call him back. Which I did, but I want him to think that I was with my imaginary boyfriend. Even if it weren't too late, I would not have called him back.
This really scares me. I don't want to put too much weight on it, as he went to her gym again last night, not mine. He knows this is a HUGH deal to me.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
I just knew it would be wonderful with H going away with you. Not to mention HE decided to go on his own, no pushing from you. That's great. Hey, 2 'slips' in 10 days, not too bad!!! It sounds like he really wants to come back but is so afraid of things falling apart again. I can't remember, is he still in contact with OW?
Ouch to the gym thing, I soooo know what you mean.
This is such great news! I dream of days like this also.
I think what your H told you about taking out your anger is such a common concern for them. My H was discussing the same thing but worded differntly. My H is ocncerned ofthe possibility of me constantly checking up on him, BUT yet doesn not realize just how much work is needed on HIS part.
Yes, Faith, H has mentioned how he just doesn't see how I could ever trust him again. chicki, I said the same thing "Have you even TRIED to start earning my trust back?".
