I am new to this forum. I’ve been married for 20 years and have decided that it is time to move on. My story is as follows. For the first 15 years of my marriage I was always the HDH and married to a LDW. For many years I was the one to continuously pursue the intimacy in our marriage. Throughout the years I would express to my spouse the need of intimacy and the frustration that her rejection would cause to me. I would recommend counseling for both of us or if she would be more comfortable she could go alone. During our discussions she would comment that I was the one with too much drive and that I needed help. I starting to second guess my desires and consulted with my doctor about the issue. We’ll everything checked out fine and he suggested that I continue to work at it. And I did, with no success. Because of the lack of affection I started to drift away from her to the point that I no longer pursued her. After years of attempting to resolve the problem I’ve decided to leave. We’ll when she saw that I was longer interested and started the conversations of leaving she has done a complete 360. I find this behavior very hypocritical and insulting. Now she is all over me. She’s gone from LDW to HDW!!! However, I am emotionally in a different place! I have no desire to even try at this point in time and I think that the behavior is not genuine.
Have you moved out SM? Whatever you do, DON'T MOVE OUT until you've talked to people, gotten wise counsel, and the whole nine yards. This is a very difficult journey to take. Go into it as well-prepared as you can, with an eye towards reconciliation, if it's at all possible.
You'll soon receive much better advise than from this newbie, so stick around. You've come to the right place to talk/work this out.
If cadesmom34 is still around, she can give you a good view of the situation from your wife's point of view.
She may be more attracted to you now that you've shown yourself willing to draw a line in the sand. Manliness is sexy to the fairer sex. It may not just be an act borne of desperation.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I find this behavior very hypocritical and insulting. Now she is all over me. She’s gone from LDW to HDW!!! However, I am emotionally in a different place! I have no desire to even try at this point in time and I think that the behavior is not genuine.
Have you said exactly this to your W? Have you discussed with her, what she plans on doing to ensure it doesnt happen again? Distrusting her behaviour, is not a bad idea. You have every right to question her motivations.
You can have sex with her and maintain your observation of her continued actions. If you start having sex, and notice that she becomes disinterested again, you can determine if it was sincerely wanting to meet your needs, or just reeling you in, you can have sex with her and maintain your boundary. I wouldnt normally say this to a HDM with a LDW, but You MUST talk about it. Going 20 years without doesnt really impress upon your W the importance of this.
She did not kill it. You allowed it to be unattended to. Your sexual needs are yours and yours alone to be responsible for.
Your absolouetly right about my responsibility in holding her accountable about my sexual desires. If fact throughout my 20 years of marriage I have discussed this issue and the importance it has to me until I am blue in the face. Thanks for your comments.
If you don't mind advice from a woman that has been married for a long time.....then I'm your gal. (Well, that wasn't the best term to use, but you know what I mean.)
When you talked to your W about the sexual needs you had.....do you realize you were telling her that she did not measure up and that it was HER responsibility to meet those needs? Did you use any particular plans to help arouse her....and by that I mean OUTSIDE the bedroom? For example, I mean all the things we women need to excite us before time to go to bed. You know, we need to be "prepared" to be prepared for sex. You need to get us in the mood long before the actual sex act. It is what happens during the day that depends what happens during the night. Most men just don't get that!
Instead of putting the monkey on her back and telling her she was not meeting your needs.....did you "romance" her? Did you do unexpected little things to brighten up her life? Did you prepare romantic "settings" for the evenings? Did you bring a flower in for her or send one to where she may work? Did you leave little love notes for her to find, plan any special weekend trips, do "fun" things that had nothing to do with sex? Did YOU do anything that added "spice" to the M, or did you expect her to do it all?
There are so many book, tapes, etc. for women out there to tell them how and what to do to spice up the MR......but when are men going to wake up and see that if they want their W to meet their sexual needs then the HUSBAND should be the one to do SOMETHING to spice up the wife!!!
She can't help have LSD any more than you can help having HSD. Don't BLAME her for that........HELP her. Their is no such thing as a frigid woman. I thought I was that way for years and years b/c of my H. Finally a C told me that I was not frigid but that my H did not know what to do to get me hot. So, you may want to think about what you are doing to help or to hinder her.
The best way to help "some" women......I can't speak for all of them of course, but to stop hounding her about it all the time may be the ticket. We human beings seem to want what we think we can't have and I've tried to tell some H's to play a little hard to get and see if that will cause their W's to come around. It sounds like when you decided to "move on" and left her alone.....then that got her motivated to "work" at keeping you around. It is so ironic how these things work on the human heart! So unfair! But.....realistic.
If you still love her.......don't reject her now while she is trying so hard to be what you have told her you wanted all this time. Believe me......please listen to what I'm saying here.....she will never get over you rejecting what she is doing at this time in her life trying her best to do what you want her to do. Obviously she loves you very much and wants to keep you for her H or she would be willing for you to "move on" also.
By coming here to this board for advice, you are saying that you may not be quite ready to leave your M. That is good. I did the same thing......but for different circumstances, but these people here stopped me from walking out on a marriage that has lasted over 41 years!
Don't leave her sweetie.....please wait and give it some time. There are so many reasons why she could have low sexual drive. What is her age? Has she talked to a doctor? There are some things that can help women....if it is her hormones. And speaking of that.......everything in our life seems to be centered around those blasted hormones. We are either Pre.....during.....or post some type of cycle in our life. I know it's not fair to you men....but God, think about how WE feel! Aslo I have found that LSD is caused by lack of physical energy! If she is totally worn out then that will cause her to be like that.
Like everyone here on the board, I have problems of my own, but we are all here to try to help one another. So, don't leave yet. Wait and read what others say. Read other's threads, etc. I know it has helped me a lot and I think it will you also. In the meantime, try to think about "romancing" her instead of just having sexual gradification. Oh, and if you aren't one that has done that much in the past.....except when you were trying to get sex.....of course, she will think that is where it is headed, but if you will just romance her and not even hint at sex.....well.....just TRY it and see what happens.
Talk to us every day. It helps to do that. It is a way of journaling. I don't know why it works, but it does. Maybe to keep us from blowing a gasket.....or from becoming a WAS.....like I almost was.
Take care, sweetie, and keep busy. Working hard seems to help also. If it is possible for men to get too tired for sex........does that ever happen? (lol) Just kidding. I have to kid around....it's my personality.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
May I ask why you expect the husbands to act UNCONDITIONALLY to help the women meet his needs CONDITONALLY? Why do you not expect the women to act UNCONDITIONALLY?
do you realize you were telling her that she did not measure up and that it was HER responsibility to meet those needs? Do you not relalize that being LD is the absolute best way for a woman to tell her husband that he does not measure up. So it is ok for her to reject him but not vice versa?
