Evidence of OM? What do I do?

[Bruce1]

WAW and I separated three months ago; I've been out of the house; minimal to no talk of R.

I go back to the house to pay bills and mow lawn. I've noticed on the computer over the last month or so that she's visiting a family's website several times. Saw it again this afternoon. I say several times because I've emptied the cache a few times to test what's going on. Each time I go back, she's visited the family's site. She's also been visiting, though less often, the newspaper site of the town where this family lives. She has no relatives here or no other connection; I can't imagine why she's interested in day to day events in this town. What else might draw one to a website of such a town?

This family posts pictures and has a way to login to parts of the site if you have a password. Obviously, I can't access that part. I have no clue who these people are. Never heard of them in my life. I can see some of the family pictures on the site--which include sailing pictures. I bring that up because recently my wife went to sailing school and a kayaking class, though both were in a different city than where this family is located. WAW set up sailing school before we separated, but never explained why. Finally, this family lives in a town where my WAW has had to go for business several times in the last year. I believe the business reason for travel is legitimate--she has been reimbursed by her employer for travel expenses.

At the same time, WAW has not filed or talked of D. At a moment of my crisis earlier this summer, when I was having a brief panic attack or something similar, she talked to my therapist. My therapist recently let me know that WAW said she hoped therapist and I were working on an issue that has long been a concern of WAW in our marriage. So, WAW was clearly trying to send therapist a message. She didn't have to say anything about said issue.
I also briefly asked her if there were anyone at sailing school. Her answer was "There's no one else. I'm doing this for me."


Thus, there may be contradictory signs here. Some evidence might point to OM, some evidence suggests WAW wanting me to get some things figured out with my therapist, things she's wanted me to work on. Is this normal for MLC spouses?

This is all I have so far. No cell phone records or anything else. Two questions:

1. At the risk of sounding naive, does this look like an affair? Or am I jumping to conclusions? She's exhibited other signs of MLC; the OM would be a missing piece of this puzzle.

2. How can I get better confirmation (if I need it) that this is an affair? Should I confront her with it? She does not approach me at all with any R talk; anything that's come up in brief phone conversations or emails has been me trickling out stuff I'm working on. She's stone cold silent on her feelings, with a couple of rare peeks behind the mask that I've posted elsehwere.
If it is an affair, do I just let it go for now as long as I believe in the marriage? If it is an affair, I'd have to work through my feelings on that. I know that they are common for WAW in MLC, but wow, this would raise a whole other dimension to an already complicated picture.

My main point here is based on this info, should I assume an affair, and what if anything should I do now?

Many thanks to anyone who wants to jump in on this.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Bruce,

Sadly, if your wife is MLC, gear yourself up for an OM. There is a very high likelyhood of one happening, just based on how many other people who post here have gone through one with their spouse.

Does this sound like one?
(shrug)

Should you confront your wife? No, you have no concrete proof.

You want proof? There are key logging elements out there including hardware that will show you everything that happens on a computer.

Do you want the proof? Can you handle it?

Prepare yourself for an affair.

It is a suck answer. Sorry.

[Was2sad]

Dude,

Let me simply say STOP SNOOPING.

This is always Rule One. We too often forget it (as just assumed) when we say Rule One is GAL and take care of yourself.

Look ... snoop if you need legal evidence that will work to your advantage in a rough D.

Otherwise, you will find things that don't mean anything and make yourself sick analyzing them wrong. Or, you will find something hurtful, and focus on pain you don't need right now. Bruce, you are invading her privacy. Please don't. If you want any chance at a future with her, respect her privacy.

That said, it is ok to assume. Assume that if this really is MLC, there probably will be someone at some time. Part of the transition is the MLCer processing the things that are obstructing their passage to their next life stage. That may be the mourning of their perceived loss of youth. They often feel drawn to live their early years over, have a fling, be 17. Your girl is a prime age for this kind of crisis. Add her past depression and low self esteem, you got yourself a Gold Card carrying MLCer.

Sorry

But what I want to say is do yourself a favor man. No snooping. This subject is usually the basis of threads over in Newcomers before folks learn about the possibility of mlc. By the time we got here, we snooped, got burned, got caught, made the whole thing worse, etc. Stop now before it is too late. Why is she going to those web sites, why does ... end phone calls, change checking accounts, get hot new clothes, levitate over the bed and spew green pea soup ....

It is what it is. You need to give her time and space while you do the same for yourself. Be kind to yourself. The only good that can come from snooping is the kind that comes after you have already made up your mind to get a L, file, and destroy her in court at all costs. Is that where you are, or where you want to be?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh yeah, listen to WAS, been a long time, don't snoop.

You are going to, but don't.

Everything eventually comes out.

Snooping is bad, right now you won't find anything good for you anyway.

Down the road? Trust...but verify.

[forward]

I disagree w/some of the snooping advice because this is, after all, a situation that concerns YOU. In my situation it enabled me to talk to L and take a day off work to face the situation.

I think once you find out, then it's probably better to stop snooping because it does just hurt. I've kept doing it but have to admit that I don't see evidence of any real changes for H and am beginning to doubt that there will be.

I saw the A coming probably a year before it happened. I also think that in my situation, confronting was not a bad idea. It takes the fun out of the affair--now it's just a dirty affair, not some glorious romantic dealy. Just be strategic--say something like "Is there anytihng you need to tell me?" And comment on something obvious, like "Who was calling here at 11:00 last night?"

Don't let on how you got the information because then the discussion would just divert to your snooping.

[Bruce1]

Thanks for the advice. I have largely refrained from snooping and kept distance for the past three months. The web stuff came by accident when I mistakenly hit the bar that shows browsing history. Then the snooping kicked in!

I'll back off for now. I still believe we might have a good future together, but based on all the advice I see on these boards, and read in books, an affair would not surprise me at all. I'm not holding out for reconciliation at all costs, but I'm not ready to burn the bridge and go to all out war. So, I'll back away for now and focus on me.

Hey, I'm going to a seminar this weekend that looks at love and intimacy issues. Never done anything like this before. I'm doing this for me, not for WAW or anyone else. I'm in charge of my life and will work to improve who I am. That's all I can do.

Many thanks for your help. Some days it's an up and down ride. Today was a downer, but one day at a time and I'm excited about tomorrow's trip for the seminar.

[inmyplace]

Hi Bruce.

Just looking through things here. Let me try and answer your questions.

I can come up with a competing hypothesis. Your wife misses her family. She misses home. She said there was no one and she was doing this for her. I could make a case for someone who is trying to get their s**t together. Maybe she is thinking of going home.

I wouldn't waste my time hunting this stuff down. You could try to find evidence and screw things up. If you want to have a chance to save this marriage, you are just going to have to take an affair off the table. You are going to have to believe her.

Bruce, if you snoop, all you will be doing is driving yourself nuts. You have said that you need to work on yourself. Do it. Because no matter what you may or may not find out, fixing Bruce is where your success in life lies.

Do I know what your wife is doing? Of course not and I am not going to make up the story before it happens. What if that missing puzzle piece is just a missing piece of the sky.

Let it go. DB would tell you not to snoop. Take care of the things you control. Is it possible you could find out the worst some day? Sure. Is it possible it is just as she says? Sure. Do you really want to jump to a conclusions? I think not. Should new information come to light, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Let's just cross the bridges in front of us for the time being.

Hang in there. Perhaps a church-based group of separated people can help.

IMP

[Bruce1]

IMP:
Thanks for the pull back to reality. I'll let it go. I really have gotten better at detaching, but this pulled me back the other way. I really like the way you put it--fixing myself is where my success in life lies. If WAW and I rebuild our marriage, that will be a bonus to what I do for myself. It may be in part because of what I do for myself, or not, but either way I've got to keep my eye on myself. I appreciate your knock on the head and effort to jerk me back on the correct path.

I'm off tomorrow for a three day retreat on love and intimacy; can't wait! As you say, this is for myself. It's something I signed up for a several weeks ago; never would have imagined doing something like this three months ago, but I can really say that right now not much in life is as exciting as working on myself. My job pales in comparison, and I'm eager to keep learning about myself and trying to be a better person with whomever crosses my path each day. I wasn't a jerk before, but was someone who wasn't in tune with himself or with others on a deeper level. Now, I'm going inward and trying to manifest the changes as I can each day, in however small a way.

Just finished the draft. I got both Henry and Rudi Johnson! I like that backfield.

Thanks for your regular posts to me and others, IMP. It's up and down, and today was a down day, but overall it's mostly up!

[inmyplace]

Bruce,

Very nice with the fantasy draft.

As for the other stuff, the ups and downs certainly will affect you for a while. Dag blasted human condition! I was one who was fairly anesthetized by things around me which I nicely helped along with a very good bong. It made me easy to live with but hard to be passionate with. So once the s**t hit the fan, I can honestly say that emotions kicked in with a vengeance. It took a while to return to equilibrium, but hey, I learned. For my marriage, it was too little, too late. For me, it was better late than never.

Have a great retreat.

IMP

[FaithfulH]

Bruce,

I hope you are off to your retreat...with great success. You sound SO much better than I did 3 months into the journey. Keep focusing on your GAL...and we'll all pray that your W finds her way back home!