Thanks for your support; I struggle with whether I'm being a doormat by letting her spend a bunch of money (we're not insolvent by any means, but the storm is on the horizon at the current spending pace) or whether it's the right thing to do. Let her have some "fun" and keep working on myself. All her spending is on herself, of course, and I get angry with myself sometimes for being fiscally conservative right now. I am driving two hours to a different airport next week to save $175 on a ticket. WAW wouldn't care one damn bit about that if she were in my shoes. If I were spending at her pace, however, we really would be in trouble right NOW.
I've asked several friends, and will ask my therapist next week, but let me ask you or anyone who cares to jump in. Should I just try to talk to her about money (this seems sincere to me; above-board, etc.), or should I just assume this woman won't want to hear any talk of fiscal restraint because it looks like I'm trying to cut her off of her fun (which is what I think she perceives the situation to be). Thus, if we do get to a dangerous point, I would unilaterally move money out of our joint account, direct my paycheck to that account, and cut her off of the credit cards that are primarily in my name. That strikes me as underhanded, but maybe it's necessary for financial reasons but also as an assertive act by me. In therapy I've concluded that I have been too passive in expressing my wishes with her throughout our marriage (old fear of conflict from childhood). Money is one of my great fears--my family has none. Hers is wealthy. Thus, I fear that many years of savings could, over the next few months, be wiped out by her spending.
She's giving me no sign, not surprisingly, on the R. She's stone cold. I've tried a few times to tease her out by saying I'm here to talk anytime she wants, but for the most part I'm respecting her desire for space like a good DBer.
It's agonizing sometimes to wrestle with whether the passive approach is just what the situation calls for for now, or whether I'm being too soft. Maybe I need to just say "No more."?????? Maybe I should act and just not give a damn what she thinks about it. I'm sure she'd be surprised by a unilateral movement of funds and a cutting off of credit cards.
Your point about knowing and not knowing seems apt. I go to the house to pay bills and mow the lawn. She is never there. I see, though, that for the first time in our history she's opening the bank statements and credit card bills.
Thanks for this thread. You folks are wonderful! So glad I have found this place.
