back to square -1 or -10000

[whapu]

Cat,
I havent thumbed anything on your thread before but have kept in touch from the outside. I too love the "ants" reference and many a day I have been succumbed with ants or more aptly "fire ants". It seems every day someone or myself leaves crumbs left over for them to devour.

So, i'm thrown into the wild ocean again, still angry right now, I know it will pass. He is soooooo messed up. We talked some, he believed I was going to take my revenge (sigh, again) on him for what happened, "because I'd do that", and that he believes this will never go away, or least it seems like. As you can see, the ANTS are killing him.

Cat, You are an incredibly warm and forgiving person and this is the truest example of such character. Each act such as this is an "injection" of strength and will only make you that much more immense as an individual. As far as never going away....it wont unless he takes the action to do so. It's like screaming at a pile of cr@p lying on the ground to go away. Sometimes you have to plug your nose and pickup a shovel and dump it in the garbage. Your patience will prevail! Either he will understand that HE has to take action or you will still be left with your strength for the future knowing you did the right thing.

I m even thinking of getting a male pen pal on the net just so I can talk to another person, I don't know, prob a stupid idea. He'll be changing his # again, and unlike last time (damnit, I told him so!) will tell the phone co. to be unlisted.

Cat....I am hoping you were joking on this. Tempting "Chat Gnats" on the net will only bring further pests in all forms. Stay strong and use the good people here as "netting". I for one will always try to catch you and I am meager in comparisons to AUD, SD, JEN JAM and ROB from the flanks.

So I leave a small can of "Raid" that you may use on those "ants" of his...there is even a mention on the label that it takes care of "Sap-sucking marital fruit flys." Peace

[cat03]

oh whapu, thanks so much for your words feel like crying right now. Just talk to H, he asked why I was tensed (I was brewing about the fact that perhaps the story of the car repair was fake but a sec ago he agreed to give me a receipt) and I told him he didnt' appologized.
He said... this is precious, he "thougth he did, I've messed up on so many things I dont' know what I've appologized for already", then he exploded saying how he feels pushed again from both sides (op and me) and I just hanged up, wasn't going to take his abuse. He actually call and left a msg ( i didnt' pick up) that he was sorry he lost control and that he thought things were alrigth (I was upset yesterday but ended up talking fine to him and watched a movie together at night) so he was taken by surprise with my attitude.

I was really tempted whapu, but you are prob right, I dont' need one more problem , I'll come to whine here where you all understand. Thank you so much, your words mean a lot to me,I really needed them.

[Phoenix_spark]

I'm following along the best I can, but my BB time is limited. Don't do the pen pal thing, that can't go anywhere but bad. An attitude of revenge will not help you either. You do that and H will feel justified and then won't address the issues.

Stay tough, post here and ride this thing out.

[cat03]

thanks PS, I wrote it wrong, he's the one who said "because that's what I'd do" , extract revenge. He's a the T now, hope he's coming clean there, it's so hard for him to open up. Ok, so the pen pal was a bad idea, yesterday I thought it'd be harmless.

[imLIN]

Cat03

I know this is all so hard...but I do see improvement...yes he deceived you but it wasn't about making contact with her...I put myself in his place and can clearly see why he didn't want to tell you about this...but now it is out...let it go...this will pass...

As for getting a male pen pal....shove that thought right out the window...you are very vulnerable right now and could very very very easily end up in an EA yourself...if not worse...trust me on this...it really is a "stipid idea"!

He will be confused, messed up and troubled for a while...but with compassion and as much understanding as you can muster up he can get through this...I remember once while my H and I were seperated he confessed to me that OW had called him...it was a while after the fact...instead of chastising him about not telling me when she called...I thanked him for telling me....see how the two responses could bring about a different outcome???

Become more compassionate and you will become more approachable...fear leads people to deceive and lie...you need to help him over come his fear of you...because that is what that part of this is about....I know...because I was there...

Take care...Lin

[cat03]

thank luv

Yea, i'm going to need loads of it. For the second time, he's told me he feels no connection with me and that's why he didnt' think of appologizing, only to get rid of the problem at the time. His T told him he has a huge problem with confronting conflict, that the fact that I express myself better and he can't think that fast to answer makes him mad and he turns loud to back me off. That he should be brutally honest (in a ways, what I 've been asking from him, just TELL THE TRUTH)

That he still had feelings to deal with so they dont' come back (towards op). That he should be the one understanding why they happened and make them go away on his very own. I agree with all of the above. He said he does want us to work, that he's with me and is hoping that as time passes things will get better.

Yes, I know it's all too recent, the "not just friends" book says that the first 2-3months are the hardest, when both partners are ambivalent. I almost wanted to shout to him "if you have feelings for her and none for me then go and leave with her". Yes, he is telling me the truth, but how it hurts.

Yes, I understand. But right now, I'm crying, because this man I love doesnt love me. And i'm crying because no one else but you guys and maybe the C will hear this from me.
Stupid love songs.

I must go on and be myself, but it mightl feel like I have this 3 foot long sword in my chest while I go about my business. Having a pity party now, so bear with me, i'm sure later I'll be fine and that these tears will let that sadness out and that I will soldier on tomorrow and smile when I get home.

Hugs all)))))))))))))))))))) thanks for hanging in there for me.

[BeingMe]

Stupid love songs.

Yeah, stupid love songs. Every time I turned on the radio, there was one of them lurking about.

I am so sorry about how you are feeling, Cat! There is nothing worse, I think, then loving someone and not having that love reciprocated.

Just a thought, but maybe you should back off from him and let him just deal with whatever he needs to deal with. Give him the space to get himself sorted out, and yourself the space to let go, detach, and let God fix whatever needs fixin'. Doesn't sound like your H is going anywhere, so just enjoy what you have now.

Take care.

[cat03]

thanks hon, I'm taking the "evening"off, H is ok with it, i'm not going home after work, trying to get a hold of a friend and later will go to a zumba class I've been dying to try with my cousin (it always makes me feel good the dance work out)

[Aud31]

right now, I'm crying, because this man I love doesnt love me.

Screech! ANT!

Oh honey, I'm so sorry, I know your heart feels like it's in a million pieces and breaking up even more every time another wave hits. I'm glad you're taking the evening off--have fun!

Your H is getting some good advice from the T--only he can make the choice to be the man you DESERVE. I hope and pray he does. You are definitely worth walking through fire for. You can quote me on that!

[imLIN]

My H was home for a year before he could say that he loved me again...it takes time...just because he doesn't love you now doesn't mean that he won't ever love you again...time, time, time....