Trying to get WAW back

[DaveJ]

Yes, she has been seeing a C for a while now. I think her next appointment is next week sometimes. She is very stubborn. She thinks only she can get through her problems and she has to do it by herself. And until she gets through her problems, she doesn't want to go to MC or Retrouvaille. It's been very frustrating. She says she's trying to sort out her feelings. Right now she's trying to figure out whether her having a hard time and missing me is cuz she has feelings for me or if she's just missing a companion. Wish she would forget about the feelings right now and work on her letting go of the resentment. Feelings may or may not be there but can be rekindled. It sure ain't gonna come back if there's resentment....

[Sara]

You make a good point. The problem as I see it,if we assume that happiness and unhappiness come from within (and I become more convinced that this is true every day), then how can being alone help an unhappy person become happy? And if she can't get happy being alone, then what? The marriage is over? What I fail to see is the connection of the unhappiness to the marriage.

[DaveJ]

Well, a little more info from last night. Got my head snapped off when I suggested I'd take the kids for a little bit on Sat afternoon to give her a break since I don't have anything planned. Apparently she doesn't need help or "pity" from me right now. She is doing just fine. Guess she's trying to assert her independence. Whatever.... Next time I'll just have to tell her I would like to spend some time with the kids.

Anyways. had a nice long talk with her after the kids went to bed last night on my visit. She has several issues she is working on and she's avoiding dealing with them so far. She knows she needs to, just trying to find the courage to do it. I know some of them have been a life time struggle and it's very difficult to deal with. First, she needs to deal with her eating disorder and emotional eating issues. Then she wants to deal with her self image and self confidence issue. When she can finally get through that, then she will deal with the resentment issue. I can see that if she is confident and believes in herself it would be easier to deal with the resentment head on. Sucks that it looks like it may be a while while she deals with all that. *sigh* I sure hope she might be ready for Retrouvielle in mid November. I just have to be patient and give her space. Since any help or support from me seems to be unappreciated and in fact make things worse. Have patience, keep smiling and make visits pleasant, and shut up. At least I am glad that she realizes that in the end she needs to deal with all these issues for her, not for the kids, not for us, but for her for things to last. She still believes that we can have a really good M if she can get past all the issues. Here's hoping she's strong and she will get past them.

[DaveJ]

Well, did something I guess stupid this morning. Was concerned about the W and her struggles, so I called up her therapist this morning. Told her please do what she can to help the W get through her personal issues. Very brief. Well, therapist called W first before getting back to me. So W knows I called. I told W what I said to the therapist. Still made the W mad at me. Won't talk to me right now. Hopefully she'll calm down sometimes. *sigh* I didn't ask for any info nor did I ask the therapist to influence her. Ah well, it was dumb. We were on better footing last night after our talk. I guess I should've just left it at that.... Dumb dumb dumb!

[NikB]

Only have time for a quick reply, but this covers a number of your recent posts: stop trying to "fix" her and focus on you.

[DaveJ]

I know I know. This first week just has been rough. Just from last night I realized the magnitude of her problems and it seems I might be out here by myself for a long while. Just my S4 asking "Are you going to be home tomorrow daddy" just breaks my heart. *sigh* Plus finding free time to fill and GAL has been pretty hard too with no friends around. I can find things to do here and there to keep my mind busy but there are always gaps of time.... And I seem to be walking through a minefield. I keep saying or doing things that makes her mad that it didn't used to before the S.

[Nugget]

Dave, Dave, Dave. Come on man. You have got to stop with your backsliding. Stay out of your wifes business, let her be. GIVE HER HER SPACE AND PRIVACY!!! You have been told over and over and over again and you have agreed over and over and over again that you made a booboo. How many times are you going to beat your head against the wall with these type of actions before you feel or see that they are causing damage. Come on buddy, you know better.

[DaveJ]

I know Nugget. I need a 2x4 smack in the head. It is just so freaking hard! She was smiling and so excited on Sunday and now she is so down. Just breaks my heart.... There was so much hope and then it just seems slowly sliding away. I know, I need to detach. So hard. I know I just need to leave her alone and let her deal with her issues. Gosh, I just want to go home and be with my family. I really don't want to be out here by myself. This S is killing me and it's only week 1! I'm sorry I messed up this M! How much do I have to pay? How much do my kids have to pay?

[Nugget]

I need a 2x4 smack in the head.

We all do on occasion. Just don't go requiring it to often.

How much do I have to pay? How much do my kids have to pay?

Kind of depends how many 2X4's to the head it is going to take you to stop backsliding and focus on your goals and working towards accomplishing those goals. Just think how much more progress you could be making if you (all right me to) would stop taking two steps forward and then one step or two or three backwards with our R talk and backsliding.

[DaveJ]

Yep. I swear, starting now I will really buckle up! Nice to have you try to keep me in line Nugget. So tired of me making some progress with the W and then start step backwards. It's just the first week jitters. I hope the W cuts me some major slack....