Wow Whapu! I haven't been here in months but immediately looked you up to see how things were going. My M is still piecing. It's a weird bit of business and I still have trust issues however things are definitely better in a lot of ways than they ever were before. I am so glad you are back. How are things going for you now? and the kids? The drinking? So many questions I know. I guess I'll stop here but it is great to "see" you!
MKB? My goodness it has been awhile! Very good to hear from you and that the path of your "M" is still rolling along. Maybe my following post will answer most of your questions, if not drop by again with more! My welcome mat is always there to wipe your feet in my thread.
SOOO...On with the show! I haven't been able to visit any threads nor spittle in my own because At my job I was being churned through the meat grinder. I was working in a literal sweatshop because 5 out of 7 individuals who normally work with me failed to show up most of the week through various illnesses and life traumas. It left me doing the work of several people and left me feeling vacant, bitter and exhausted. This is coming from a person that hates his job anyway and add triple the workload and you have the main ingredients for a meltdown. And I did.... I have been struggling with the "sobriety" issue for a few weeks now. Not because I really so want to drink but because when I decided to quit it was for the main purpose to take alcohol out of the equation for everything in life. In the past, anything I ever did wrong was brought to my attention that it was because of alcohol. I didn't drink everyday, nor did I empty half gallons on liquor, craved mouthwash nor hid any bottles from anyone. I did drink away from my W because I was tired of being called a drunk whenever I did drink. Whenever I have been going to my AA meetings, the home becomes active with some sort of drama from the kids and my W. So I dread going for the sake at what I am going to confront when I get in the door. Saturday before I left my W just kind of "pfmmpf" when I said that I was on my way to the meeting. I blurbed out of frustration sobriety, "big deal". Really, all the issues I had when I was drinking , I have now. In fact if you removed the year on the calendar...things would look exactly the same as last year...only one huge thing is different. My W can actually tolerate being in the same room with me. After a less than enjoyable meeting, that neither cleansed nor clarified my "teflon head" I came home anticipating some sort of drama. There really wasnt much of one....except for what was riding in my head. My W asked me in her sarcastic tone what is wrong with me? I took a breath and let it all out without emotion. I said that it was hard for me to understand why it was soooo important for me to be sober when no one really cares or feels its necessary to go to my meetings. Also that I have noticed that My W is back to feeling bad about her appearance and then she takes it out on everyone within shouting distance. This was touched on when she said that "marriage makes you fat". Last week she went and bought BOTOX for herself (which I really didnt have any problem with if it makes her happy, but I dont believe she needed it whatsoever)> She asked me if I felt happily married....I said I am not happy with myself in any way, any fashion. I am at a crossroads in my life where I need to make dramatic changes and receive some sort of clarity. I said it is hard to be happily married when I am not happy with myself. I said that I was lucky to be married with her but I wasnt happily married...she didnt like that answer at all. Our anniversay is this fri and to think of that is a miracle in itself.....after all that has gone on in the last year, I thought I would be celebrating that anniversary in a courthouse. We sat and talked (when we could) about where we are at. It was good in the sense that I didnt hold anything back and just said what I felt without any personal attacks or demands. I told her how frustrating it is to still have the little one sleep with us EVERY night, how everything we do is for the children without any consideration to ourselves, how I need to resolve a lot of issues within myself. She seemed to understand somewhat but was still upset over the whole discussion. I wanted to go out of town but we cant because of middle (s) football game on sat. So I reserved dinner for 2 at a restaurant she wanted to go to. Other than that my mind is fading so will put a close on this rambling. One thing that was said at my AA meeting is so true...you get out of anything what you put it in...I think I need to put more in apparently in everything...peace
ah jeez whapu, so sorry it's been rotten for you all time (I totally understand how you felt working 3x the amount at a job you hate, saw my H do that for years)
I dare to think that not drinking has brought more positive things that you can think of now, you are taking care of your body and keeping it healthy, that's a biggie for me.
About your W feeling bad about herself, do you compliment her often? we women need to hear it constantly, how nice we look, how pretty we are in such and such outfit. I don't think I've ever look this nice since college, but I dont' feel pretty because my H doesnt' say so, other people do, I get attention elsewhere, but not from my H and that's what really counts for me.
I guess your W wasn't ready for the answer you gave her, I 'm guilty of that, I want honesty but when H doesn't say what "I want to to hear" then I get upset, I have to learn to listen and not condemn or store it for later brooding.
OK, I have to ask, how old is the little one? months old? because there is no earthly reason for a kid to be in the parents bed after 3mths old. If this is still the case, get a pretty neat bed for the kid, offer to go sleep near him/her at the beginning so she/he can get used to the bed and like it. We did with my son, got him a racing car bed since he kept raising hell at night scaping from his crib.
Hope you get to rest some now, you've earned some peace with that hellish time at work, take care friend))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Whapu sorry that things are so tough on you right now. I will tell you that your sobriety is important to me. How's that my friend? I care about you and wish you nothing but strength and sirenity in dealing with your wife, your family, your job, your sobriety and of course your happiness.
Me 45 WAW 46 Married 23yrs D22 S18 D12 W moved out 1/12/07 Divorce Final 2/06/08
Gah. So sorry you have been juggling so much Whapu. Is this the same job your W wanted you to quit last spring?
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We sat and talked (when we could) about where we are at. It was good in the sense that I didnt hold anything back and just said what I felt without any personal attacks or demands. I told her how frustrating it is to still have the little one sleep with us EVERY night, how everything we do is for the children without any consideration to ourselves, how I need to resolve a lot of issues within myself.
I think it's important to get these things off your chest, and you need to be able to do this with your W. You tend to hold everything in until you feel like exploding (right?), so good job on opening up to her.
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I am not happy with myself in any way, any fashion. I am at a crossroads in my life where I need to make dramatic changes and receive some sort of clarity.
It's a big thing to understand that the responsibility for your happiness lies in you.
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you get out of anything what you put it in...I think I need to put more in apparently in everything
This is certainly true, but you can't pour in what you don't have. Quality is more important (mostly) than quantity. You're tired. You feel lost, and you don't know how to get your head and arms wrapped around the ever-growing mountain of responsibilities. Gosh, that sounds bleak. I guess I should get to my point. :P
I am a little bit fearful that what I'm about to say will sound really dumb, so if you don't like it, you can forget it.
The mountain is always there. It's always big, and we're all tired. Circumstances change, habits can change, but the mountain is there for all of us to climb. The difference between feeling overwhelmed/loaded down and peaceful/capable is attitude.
It's choosing to look at everything around you right now, today, and feel gratitude for them. Pick out some really ridiculous things to be grateful for, things that make you smile like a pair of new (or clean!) socks or the fact that your car starts this morning or that little smile on your toddler's face just before he melts down.
The glass will always be half-empty or half-full. There will always be more to do than time to do it. There will always be others making demands of your time and energy. The answers can only come from your choice to look at what makes you feel joy, no matter how small. This doesn't require more time to figure out. It doesn't require physical activity. All you have to do is notice the thoughts in your head that make you feel overwhelmed and muddled...and then look away from them to things that make you feel calm, successful, valued, joyful.
You are accomplishing a lot every day. Focus on that instead of what isn't getting done. FYI, this pep-talk is for me too: onward and upward to conquer the labors of the day! I'll be back later with the most off the wall thing I can find to be grateful for. Just see if you can trump me!
Cat, As always, I enjoy your visits to my dank thread.
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I dare to think that not drinking has brought more positive things that you can think of now, you are taking care of your body and keeping it healthy, that's a biggie for me.
Strangely, I am just about as ill as when I was drinking...maybe more. This is something I brought up during a meeting...I am more forgetful, raw and disorganized than when I was drinking..Go figure! The cleansing is most likely inward, my insides are probably thankful.
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About your W feeling bad about herself, do you compliment her often? we women need to hear it constantly, how nice we look, how pretty we are in such and such outfit. I don't think I've ever look this nice since college, but I dont' feel pretty because my H doesnt' say so, other people do, I get attention elsewhere, but not from my H and that's what really counts for me.
I do compliment her often or at least I think so. I think the problem with this is, that when a person gets so ingrained with a thought of not being pleasing to the eye to themselves to such an extent, that portion of them fails or is unable to listen from some people. Like turning them off... example(oh, he is my husband, he is supposed to say that). I think what you wrote (I get attention elsewhere) can be a very dangerous thought. I dont mind her getting attention elsewhere but when that PARTICULAR aspect gets satisfied elsewhere only trouble can ensue or most likely will. I don't want it to get to that point AGAIN...been there and done that. I really believe that this is something that I cannot aide in...just be there to support.
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I guess your W wasn't ready for the answer you gave her, I 'm guilty of that, I want honesty but when H doesn't say what "I want to to hear" then I get upset, I have to learn to listen and not condemn or store it for later brooding.
This is true...so very true. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings and life is so personal as it is...sometimes it just helps to be clinical...just get the situation down and move from there....I am highly emotional and that tends to cloud the water of life most often with me.
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OK, I have to ask, how old is the little one? months old? because there is no earthly reason for a kid to be in the parents bed after 3mths old. If this is still the case, get a pretty neat bed for the kid, offer to go sleep near him/her at the beginning so she/he can get used to the bed and like it.
The little one will be 3 this jan. I agree wholeheartingly with this. It is a sore spot with me. I never had problems with my oldest s. Once in awhile he would sleep with me but it was more like once a week if that. My w son (11) had problems with him in this ...he still wanted to sleep in the same bed when he was 9...I really wasnt so keen on that and made enough of a stink about it to finally ween him from that. As far as the little one he does have a bed and my W and I have decided that we will ween him as well...I really think that will make a big difference in our R.
Again, Cat thanks for peering in! I will answer Aud and fender later today when I can take some more time...peace
"I get attention elsewhere" whops! that sounded wrong, I meant, everyone else (family/coworkers) complement me. Though I know what you mean in your wife's case. Is there a rec center nearby that perhaps she can go to 2x a week? there usually offer aerobics,step,belly dancing even at the price of a few bucks, wonder if she'd like that?
Good luck with putting your 3yr old in his own room, for a while perhaps one of you will have to be with him on the room until he gets used to it, it will be tough for him at the beginning.
Take care W))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Fender, Thanks as always for meandering in. I never expected a parade, nor trophy but it would be nice just to know that my chosen path to sobriety was a welcomed one. That It is even necessary. But I had a good meeting last night and feel leveled out some, so I think I have shook that off for the time being. I really appreciate you still taking the time to cross the tracks from time to time...it does mean a lot! peace
Aud, I am going to throw down a line or two while I have time to exhale for my Serenity Sistah!
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Gah. So sorry you have been juggling so much Whapu. Is this the same job your W wanted you to quit last spring?
Yes, this is ther very same one. I can kick myself for not applying in time for the courses for college last spring. Eh, this winter will have to do. I am juggling a lot. My time is swallowed by everyone else and that I figured is why I am kind of bitter. Easy one to resolve though...just revise the old Bacall line "put your lips together and say NO." instead of blow should work. There is much angst at my workplace and I am not the only one ready to bail at a moments notice....we will see...
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I am a little bit fearful that what I'm about to say will sound really dumb, so if you don't like it, you can forget it.
Your fear is unfounded! Aud, the most brilliant messages of life and philosophy are those that sound simple. It is the backbone of AA and really the backbone of ZEN as well. What you wrote is EXACTLY what the approach should be!!! I get lost in action and often lose the moments that I should cherish or at least give it it's due. "NO expectation, No frustration".. Soooooo...I am thankful that I can still walk, I can still voice my opinion and still hear the music taht inspires me. I also still have a W and children that show the promise of what life has to offer and the lessons I need to learn if I pay attention.
A gentle nod of agreement and thanks....maybe a warm hug in there somewhere as well Aud...
