I’m having a hard time understanding what you’re saying. I agree with this part:
1) Fully recognize that he is dysfunctioning as a random clingy pursuer. 2) Fully recognize that MsHD is dysfunctioning as a deliberate brutal avoider.
I have doubts about this part:
3)With full self-awareness purposefully change his behaviors from those of a random, clingy pursuer in the direction of becoming a deliberate brutal avoider.
Two avoiders together is a recipe for failure.
DELIBERATELY give her the power that she thinks she wants.
I think this is also self defeating. He has given her too much power already. But what she wants is not really power at all. She wants soothing and validation. She relates power to soothing and that connection is a big part of the problem. Part of HD’s task is to offer her soothing without turning over power. That’s going to be tough to do, but HD’s nice guy actions have done just the opposite for all these years.
4) Recognize that if he acts more deliberate without acting more brutal he will be giving MsHD exactly what she thinks she wants and not meeting her unconscious needs. The relationship may stabilize but it will be nonsexual or MsHD may continue to push to have her unconscious need for brutality met by becoming more and more deliberate and brutal herself.
I don’t understand this. If I understand “deliberate” to be more self assertive, not nice guy, to enforce boundaries but in a very compassionate manner, then I’m with you. But I think that is exactly what she does want subconsciously.
I also think sexuality will be off the table for some time. The important thing is to stabilize the marriage so that the hard work can begin. Sexuality will destabilize things.
5) Recognize that by behaving in a more deliberate and brutal manner he may "cause" MsHD to react by yo-yoing into clingy pursuant behavior and he may find this behavior quite unattractive.
Hmmm…. I would be very surprised to see MrsHD acting in any sort of clingy pursuant behavior.
6) Gain awareness that brutal avoidant behavior can be viewed as unattractive rather than attractive behavior by the person who tends towards clingy pursuit if one recognizes it as being just as attention-seeking as clingy pursuit (child sulking in room and/or throwing tantrum vs. child clinging to legs and/or crying)
Huh? Who are you talking about here?
8) Recognize that it is incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship with somebody at a different level of differentiation and I don't think it can be maintained in the long run. Even in the short run it requires almost super-human self-awareness not to break one way or the other.
I disagree with the underlying assumption here that HD and MrsHD are at different levels of differentiation. I think they are both at exactly the same level.
