Two questions: 1. How would a deliberate brutal avoider handle the boob grab sitch, and the college fund sitch. 2. Where do you come up with this stuff?
Well, first I said you should move your behaviors in the direction of deliberate, brutal and avoidant, not that you should swing totally in that direction. You know that the boob grab was a totally random clingy pursuant thing to do (your monkey was engaged in some wishful thinking- BTDT). There are a lot of ways you could full-throttle reverse that behavior dysfunctionally. For instance, you could have gone totally brutal and said "Jesus Christ. I'll never do it again. I don't find your breasts all that appealing anyway." Obviously I don't think you should actually do anything like this but if you think about what MsHD's reaction might be, you get a glimmer into her dysfunction. If you think really, really hard about WHY you wouldn't want to say anything like this then you will get a glimmer into your dysfunction.
I'm probably just amusing myself with this thought but I think that there is some strength in your humor so what if you went out and purchased a set of handcuffs that had a key and when you go to bed you suggest to MsHD that if she wants to ensure that you won't touch her breasts she needs to lock the cuffs and hold on to the key, otherwise you will make no guarantees about your behavior? DELIBERATELY give her the power that she thinks she wants.
As to where I come up with this stuff. A lot of the dating books I've been reading have actually altered my perspective on marital issues because they discuss the same biological/gender/psychological/etc issues but from a different POV. Unfortunately, I think a lot of mistakes are made really early on in relationships and just get worse. I think it takes a heck of a lot of differentiation to transcend the fact that you might have chosen a partner to work out FOO problems and contrast with your temperament rather than one to complement FOO strengths and complement your temperament.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
