I think there is a lot of parallel universe going on hear, phone, prayer, etc. Hopefully you'll get a chance to cool off and move forward. Good vibes sent your way.
So, does this mean he can use the online feature, but you can't? What about him checking on your calls? If he can check on your calls you should be able to check on his. Let him know that it's silly not to sign up for the online features because if you truly want to check up on him you don't need the online feature. Let him know that if you were ever worried you could EASILY contact a private investigator and QUICKLY get his cell phone records... so that's a lame excuse for not having an online account.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
hey guys, well, the storm pass, yes PS, I needed to cool off.
He was horrified to learn that I checked on his calls, he doesn't even know how to log online to check them but has turned off that feature off. He admitted he jumped up and was defensive and selfish, I told him that if he wanted to cheat and lie he could do it and I 'd never know it, that it was all up to him and that I had no interest on checking his every move.
We were getting into a heated argument. Then we started txting and we calmed down, and actually got to the core of things: he is miserable still, though I knew it it still surprises me how hopeless he still feels about our sitch. I dont' think he believes we can connect and be whole again. He admited the trip did nothing for him (he fought so much for it, thought i'd prob help him feel better not it didn't) he said he still felt like sh*t. He still wants to cure his symptoms with distractions, but at least he is going to the T this Thursday, hope he gets something out of it.
I blew it yet again, should've chosen my battles and not be so defensive, this kind of emotional storms is what keeps him in the hopeless stage at some degree, that we just can't get along. And even though I understand it is not all me I see that I still have a loooong way to go to be the greener grass.
Boy, this sure is exausting!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
How long do you think he has been miserable (I know they will say thoughout the whole marriage), but when did you first notice a lot of dissatisfaction? I know with my husband he'd complain about silly things and be critical, or have very high expections about a lot of things in his life... i.e. job, kids not doing this or doing that, me not do this or that, etc...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Sorry your day was traumatic. I can totally see myself going the same direction. The whole trust issue is so huge for you both...like an iceberg, it's much bigger than it even appears.
Several weeks ago, I posted about a little exchange between H and I, nothing hotly contested, but something that made me think. And a good friend posted this to me:
"Just a thought as I was meandering by your thread...on the subject matter of lingering thoughts. You know I had a little "EA" while my W was doing absoluting nothing on "piecing" our M a while back. Since then I have had no contact with OW...absolutely no contact and yet every other day she is sure I have. Even to this day when I go to my AA meetings she is sure I am actually going to her house instead. The reason I bring this up is that NO...There is nothing we can do with our spouses thoughts or actions for that matter. I really believe in my gut reactions to a lot of things but with my sitch I also am understanding that the mind can create a lot of scenerios that dont exist...Sometimes insecurity tries to play itself as REALITY.. We cant control what our Spouse is doing or thinking and isnt that what Db'ing is about anyway. I have thought about OW from time to time and really do treasure the times I spent with her but I also realize I am in a better place now...my family is intact (as fractured as it sometimes is). I love my W immensely and that was my whole goal and intention in the first place. So I guess what I am saying is that I am SURE they are thinking about OP from time to time but it doesnt necessary mean that they would leave at a moments notice...WHY? Because what you all offer is FAR, FAR more than the other person can add....and that is resolute fluid of family and security."
This post helped me to realize that as much as I tend to jump to worst-case-scenarios when any little thing happens (which, IMHO is LOGICAL, given our recent experiences), I need to curb my instinct and allow H to do the right thing without feeling like every action is a federal case. Can he betray me again? You bet. Is he more likely to do so if I'm his safe place or his prison matron?
Our H's are flawed. So are we. There's a fine line between encouraging and enabling. It's tough, we'll fall off the line a lot. What matters is that we get back up and keep moving. You're a champ, don't forget that!
Running, for the first half of our piecing M he was really trying, making plans for our retirement, trying to be loving, but I guess deep inside he still had that void. I think when the op showed up and he felt that jolt of excitement again that he thought about how he wasn't really happy and was toying with the idea of moving out again.
The T asked him "do you feel happy/good when you went out with her or with your friends (the beach/ny trip)" and he said yes, then she asked it "did it last?" and he said no.
My H is very pessimistic and I hope the T shows him he can rebuild himself, and later, that we can rebuild our M. Thanks Aud, your post helps me to go back to basics, that I'm supposed to be his safe place. I'll review my Dr. Amen book my H tought was good, about the ANTS (automatic negative thoughts): Mind reading -- predicting you know that another person is thinking something negative about you without them telling you. I often tell my patients that, "A negative look from someone else may mean nothing more than he or she is constipated. You don't know. You can't read minds. I have 25 years of training in human behavior and I still can't read anyone's mind."
Fortune telling -- predicting a bad outcome to a situation before it has occurred. Your mind makes happen what it sees. Unconsciously, predicting failure will often cause failure. For example, if you say, "I know I will fail the test," then you will likely not study hard enough and fail the test.
Always or never thinking -- this is where you think in words like always, never, every time, or everyone. These thoughts are overgeneralizations which can alter behavior. For example, I have a friend who asked out an attractive woman. She turned him down. He told himself that no one will ever go out with him again. This ANT prevented him from asking out anyone else for over nine months.
Guilt beatings -- being overrun by thoughts of "I should have done... I'm bad because…. I must do better at… I have to…). Guilt is powerful at making us feel bad. It is a lousy motivator of behavior.
You do not have to believe every thought that goes through your head. It's important to think about your thoughts to see if they help you or they hurt you. Unfortunately, if you never challenge your thoughts you just "believe them" as if they were true. ANTs can take over and infest your brain. Develop an internal anteater to hunt down and devour the negative thoughts that are ruining your life.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Can he betray me again? You bet. Is he more likely to do so if I'm his safe place or his prison matron?
Excellent point Aud!!!
And Cat, you make some very good points too about expecting negative consequences and the expectation creating it. Some of the things you describe are also things I'm trying to teach my son right now.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for the ANTS info Cat--I am dealing with EXACTLY those feelings in my work sitch, and it's been eating at me for days now. This will help me tons.
The book is awesome, it deals with anxiety and depression, I printed a condensed version of the jist of it for H again, he did like reading it and made an impression on him.
Well, the fun never ends, just when I think nothing can surprise me. OP found out his cell and talked to him, seems he owes her a few hundreds he never paid. He said she's been txting and calling a few times. I was furious, this happened in the last 2wks, her contacting him. He was hopeing to pay somehow without me knowing so "i wouldnt' have one more thing to be upset" and was trying to borrow money but it didnt' work out, so he finally came clean.
Yet, again, he does the one thing I asked him NOT to do: deceive me. He just wants to get it over with, dediced on writing her a letter (he never did come clean to her) to end it all (supposedly her calls were only about $ and she does not want to do anything with him). So he did, I read it, he's dropping it off tomorrow and we'll pay her next pay period (we are horribly broke, we didnt' need this).
So, i'm thrown into the wild ocean again, still angry right now, I know it will pass. He is soooooo messed up. We talked some, he believed I was going to take my revenge (sigh, again) on him for what happened, "because I'd do that", and that he believes this will never go away, or least it seems like. As you can see, the ANTS are killing him.
He has a T appt this morning, hope that helps him some. My faith is waivering a bit and am praying praying hard, sometimes he comes out in the worst light before my eyes, and the fact that i have to heal from his recent A by myself, AGAIN, doesn't help. He didn't even appologize about his latest deceit, he was just very upset that he couldnt' solve it on his own without me knowing. I m even thinking of getting a male pen pal on the net just so I can talk to another person, I don't know, prob a stupid idea. He'll be changing his # again, and unlike last time (damnit, I told him so!) will tell the phone co. to be unlisted.
So there, there has been no improvement on my sitch, H is as confused, messed up and troubled as the day I found out about the A.
SIGH********* trying, trying to count my blessings.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
