I am going to shake my head a couple of times and see if any words shake themselves out. I have been hovering over my thread for a couple of weeks now...not because I had nothing to say but really had difficulty trying to describe what I am feeling. I will take this opportunity to at least give it a fair shake and try to scribe some.
The past few weeks I have found myself slipping, falling or just maybe even jettisoning into famaliar patterns. If I didnt have the battle scars firmly entrenched in my head from not quite a year ago, I would think nothing had really happened. All that info I had learned from DR and "the Big book" has vaporized. I am really certain that I have a condition called "Teflon brain" or as if someone sprayed Pam all over it in my sleep and now no information will stick.
I really believe my W is trying and she really isnt the problem. The problem is ME. I have always believed the problem to be me anyway but the illumination of this point has fully come to my attention now. My path I have been walking in sobriety still moves forward but the ease of the strides has become haggard. I really dont want to drink because I know it certainly wont help anything except maybe give me peace..I have mentioned it before and will again....When I am with my W, my life becomes static, no focus just a state of perpetual motion in no direction or more aptly, all directions. We have made time for each other, I have tried to validate without my opinion being shared and havent had any opportunity to GAL really. I go to my AA meetings and the "flow" with life I once felt is no longer evident. I am so involved with home improvement projects, shuffling of kids and trying to put out fires that the minutes that remain I choose sleep. That is one good aspect, I have increased my time to be able to sleep to 4 hours now...30 minutes does make a difference. I hear the take care of yourself aspect....just implementing it is the greater question. I also hear the C suggestion as well but strangely, I have less money now than when I was separated and drinking..I have still yet to fully pay for the C visits I had previously. The Kids just started school yesterday and the "whole" dynamics have made full turn on that. Our kids are more disorganized than their parents! I really wish I could give examples of all the occurances in my life currently but again, I am having difficulty shaking those out. I sat in front of a blank piece of paper for about a half hour trying to construct a list of things I would like to see in my life before I left it blank to go do the chores of my existence. I realize this all looks like "pity pot" or "sad sack" material and most likely is but I really need to just get back in the habit of writing and relaying just for the sake of doing so. My friend is getting a D now because his PA was recently uncovered and had been going on since Jan. The OW works with him. 4 kids and their faces have so dramatically changed. Their faces have hardened and have become more adult like WAY before their time. My W is so worried that this is going to give me "ideas". Really, the farthest thing from my mind. It's hard to share something you dont have...and that is a mind. Sorry for the long post if you happened to meander in here but again just rambling, drooling and the like...I hope all those "piecers" out there are gluing the ends together and shaping their lives with perfection....peace
