Tucson or Bust, part 3

[fearless]

FWIW here are Hdog's own words to describe Ms. Hdog's relationship with his kids. I don't think she is a cruel monster who is using the children. I think she is a woman under obviously high stress with serious emotional issues who simply used the kids COLLEGE FUND (and not the kids themselves) as a way to lash out at Hdog.


Early on, the kids truly seemed to embrace W. As they grew older, a combination of their mother's anti-MsHdog diatribes (which they shared with me) and my W's personal brand of "tough love" (intolerance for messes, many household rules, criticism) and later, some actions they perceived as preferential towards DD5, strained the relationship. To her credit, W tried many times to be inclusive/loving toward them, but she often felt betrayed by their habit of telling their mom everything that was going on at my house, and hearing it somehow regurgitated negatively by my ex to W over the phone, or over a phone message, or via email.

I tried to foster the relationship, to smooth things over between all involved (trying to be the peacemaker), but it's gotten more and more difficult over the years. It's not an openly-hostile relationship. It's just that some "family dinner nights" are cooler than others. Sometimes, my older son lets slip a negative opinion of W, my younger son lies to her about something and never hears the end of it (where does he get THAT from?), or DD11 parrots something she heard from her mother. It's wearing. For a parent, like me, it's just part of parenting, and it's become old hat for me to ignore the messages I perceive coming from exW, and deal with what's real. It's harder for W. Still, if she were able to take things less personally, as she did earlier in the relationship, it would be easier for everyone.



...One area in particular is the "telling mom what goes on over here" issue. I have told the kids many times, quite clearly, that, unless something is going on at my house that is dangerous, risky, etc., their mother has no business knowing it. They "get it", but continue to tell ex things she has no business knowing. (E.g., that W went to a Buddhist retreat, that me and W were arguing loudly, that W spent money on DD5 but doesn't take them shopping anymore). W tells me that sometimes she feels like she has a house full of "spies" and that she can't relax when they are there. I agree. I lecture. I lay down the law. They follow it for awhile, then they don't. Part of the blame is that their mother is likely cross-examining them.

My point about being a peacemaker was less about soothing ruffled feathers and more about being the "mediator" between the two "camps." Although she may have had issues with me in this regard in the past (that I wasn't advocating her position strongly enough), I don't think that's a big problem today. I was just trying to explain how and why she didn't follow through on "list item" about her being a "loving role model" for the kids.