Tucson or Bust, part 3

[MJontheMend]

Clearly what HD needs to do is to is:

1) Fully recognize that he is dysfunctioning as a random clingy pursuer.
2) Fully recognize that MsHD is dysfunctioning as a deliberate brutal avoider.
3)With full self-awareness purposefully change his behaviors from those of a random, clingy pursuer in the direction of becoming a deliberate brutal avoider.
4) Recognize that if he acts more deliberate without acting more brutal he will be giving MsHD exactly what she thinks she wants and not meeting her unconscious needs. The relationship may stabilize but it will be nonsexual or MsHD may continue to push to have her unconscious need for brutality met by becoming more and more deliberate and brutal herself.
5) Recognize that by behaving in a more deliberate and brutal manner he may "cause" MsHD to react by yo-yoing into clingy pursuant behavior and he may find this behavior quite unattractive.
6) Gain awareness that brutal avoidant behavior can be viewed as unattractive rather than attractive behavior by the person who tends towards clingy pursuit if one recognizes it as being just as attention-seeking as clingy pursuit (child sulking in room and/or throwing tantrum vs. child clinging to legs and/or crying)The self-aware differentiated adult or parent should know the proper response to these types of behaviors. Reactive anger, fear, rescuing, abandoning are all obviously inappropriate.
7) Do not take or misinterpret any advice that would seem to suggest that brutal, avoidant behavior is "better" than clingy pursuant behavior or vice versa. If the soup is too sweet, it can help to throw in some salt but it's better to just spice it carefully from the beginning.
8) Recognize that it is incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship with somebody at a different level of differentiation and I don't think it can be maintained in the long run. Even in the short run it requires almost super-human self-awareness not to break one way or the other.