With all due respect, you didn't think it (filing for divorce) was the way to go in my sitch either. Now in hindsight it appears as if you're saying that -- based on Mrs. Choc's sitch -- it made sense, but it doesn't for Mrs. Hairdog.
I'm not advocating a lynching, and I don't see anyone else here doing so either. I think what we ARE saying is, that until you are willing to firmly enforce a boundary, HD, your wife won't respect you, and until she does and the relationship is in more equilibrium, you are not in a position to "meet her needs."
Draw the boundary, then enforce it, calling her on her B.S. You don't have to "threaten divorce" to do that. I do think you should move out of the marital bed, however, as I don't think it's healthy for you or even wise to sleep in the same bed with a woman who's threatened you with rape before, and seems like she's still thinking that way. A boundary laid and enforced ("I will not tolerate your using my children as a pawn in your disagreements with me"), and a "180" executed with a move out of the marital bed, would, in my humble opinion, be a good starting point.
