Blackfoot gave me some good advice a long time ago in recommending Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.” His point was to learn your opponent, know where to attack, how to attack and when. In the case of MrsHD, I think Mojo summed her up very well. She has lots of weaknesses but those will not be exposed by a direct attack, or threatening D. She has lots of anger and resentment, is in complete denial of her issues (has said she doesn’t want to address them) and can therefore be very dangerous. Threatening D could be a welcome escape for her.
The difference I see with Choc’s marriage is like night and day. MrsChoc’s situation was unsustainable. She could not support herself, she would lose custody of the kids and likely have to pay some amount of child support, and was with a man who was a complete loser, and she was the one craving attention. MrsHD is not in the same boat. She makes good money, will likely get custody of the daughter, and HD will have to pay her child support, and MrsHD would likely be just as happy living alone. To take on this battle will not give the same results as Choc. For HD to threaten D would be plain stupid IMO.
There is no question MrsHD is fcked up. Fcked up people make fcked up decisions based on fcked up logic. There are disconnects in their thinking all over the place. To everyone here it is so obvious but most of us are dealing with a full deck so we can see the disconnects. I do not think she equates her threat of not funding the savings account with not caring for the kids. She sees it as a way to control HD and put him one-down, end of thought process. Effects on the kids do not enter the equation. She and HD are locked in a battle to see whose needs are most important. Classic Schnarch.
Threatening D or any other type of confrontation will up the ante in her eyes and make it seem that HD’s needs are more important than hers, so much so that HE is the one willing to risk the marriage by trying to trump her needs with his. She has said as much but no one seems to listen. WTF? Is this the best you people have grown to in your knowledge of relationships?
This is not an easy case. There is only ONE way out of this and it is for HD to do everything he can to address and understand MrsHD’s needs. SHE does not even know what her needs are, so her actions and words seem so contradictory and confused. It will be a monumental effort for her to explain to HD what she really wants, in a way that is consistent with her values (which she needs to define), her boundaries and HD’s boundaries. There is no point in trying to build a relationship when this foundation is not in place.
MrsHD does not resent HD’s kids, at least not directly. What she resent is that SHE does not get the attention she wants. She feels abandoned and lashes out at everything and everyone. She hates her situation but that does not mean she hates everyone else or doesn’t care for them. It is a disconnect, which is why she is fcked up.
