Something about all of this just does not feel right to me.... [snip] something about all of this just does not feel right to me. [snip] something about all of this just does not feel right to me...[snip]
I think HD needs more info. Something in how she is reacting is manic... even more so than her usual...
But... I could be completely wrong... dunno... hmmm...
I'm kind of feeling this way, too. Mrs. HD's reaction was so over the top, completely disproportionate to the situation.
Hairdog, how much is your wife drinking these days? That amount of rage is often found in alcoholics... drunk or sober.
Would she ever consider giving up the type of law she practices where she has to witness so many awful things?
I had a friend who was in the animal rescue business. She saw plenty of digusting cruelty committed on innocent creatures. After a while her default condition was to assume that everyone is an animal abuser (even me and her family) until proven otherwise. She's on a total hair trigger about any animal subject. She has a very superior, righteous attitude, much like Mrs. HD.
That's just an afterthought, but I am curious about the drinking...
I'm going to have to disagree with Cobra. While I'm not sure war is the right term to use, blazingly aggressive defense of your kids is in order. Think nuclear bomb rather than Operation Barbarossa. She needs to know that under no circumstances can she play R games with your kids. Who cares if the threat is hollow or not. Frankly if I were you, I could also care less about whether or not she would think you were weak or whatever if you did nothing. What she is thinking, what she might think, what game she might be playing ... who cares. The only strategy is it stops right now. This is your child, you defend with your life if necessary.
Maybe I and others are just blowing this out of proportion. Could be. All I did was imagine someone saying the same sort of thing to me that your W did to you. The rage came rather quickly.
Its not that the threat she threw out there was particularly frightening, I'm sure you could figure out a way financially around it. Its the fact that she would even think for a second to threaten your child.
Not trying to one up you or anything. You are dealing with stresses I have no experience with. Trying to make it all stay together and sane must be bewildering and I admire how far you have come.
Good luck to you and God bless (if you are so inclined).
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I don't get what everyone is so scared about regarding MrsHD's comment. How exactly is she threatening the kids? We are talking about her addition to a savings account for use how many years in the future? What will become of HD's ability to save should he divorce? How much is MrsHD putting into this account? $100, $200 per month? She hasn't done anything yet but you all think HD should jump up with your same emotional indignation and go to war?
TTHO said:
Kind of a hypocrite coming from a man that has thrown his wife in jail, vacations alone and initiates talks with his wife even when she doesn't want to. Who has alienated her from his family and went above and beyond on many things she was against. Hmmmmm
Most of your statement is inaccurate, but more importantly just what are you proposing as the best course of action for HD, that if I had to go to war for a while with my wife that I should recommend others jump to that same action? After what I've been through, do you really think that is smart advice?
Like I said, I could be wrong. But it has to do with kids.
You are right Cobra, the actual threat is miniscule (I think, correct me if I'm wrong HD). It's the fact that she thought it was ok to lob a threat at HD's child. That is insufferable and should be stopped immediately. Surely you see the wisdom in coming down hard on that.
And btw I do agree with you that a protracted war is not the way to go. Guillotine chop ... its over.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
MrsHD DID NOT threaten the kids. She said she would not fund a savings account. Keep the two separate. If she did threaten the kids, that would be another matter, but I have NO doubt HD would step in with the same assertiveness others are showing here.
The object of MrsHD's threats is not the issue as far as repairing the marriage goes. What IS important is why she reacts so strongly and by making threats or ultimatums. There is really nothing very odd in this if we assume she came from a really fcked up family (which I find hard to not believe).
As Corri and lil wondered, drinking and being too close to disturbing clients does seem like a reasonable, though partial, explanation. I still think she has so much crap in her past that even HD may not know all about it. Only a good counselor can get to the bottom of this.
As Corri and lil wondered, drinking and being too close to disturbing clients does seem like a reasonable, though partial, explanation. I still think she has so much crap in her past that even HD may not know all about it. Only a good counselor can get to the bottom of this.
I'll agree to that and wait for HD to fill us in with more of his thoughts on the matter.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I have no kids, so no ingrained "overreaction" here ...
I think this is such a hot-button issue because the Mrs. is saying, in effect, "I am so furious with you that I no longer wish to participate in doing something good for your child." That, in my mind, translates more-or-less directly to "I do not actually care about your child as an individual at all, but view them as nothing more than an effective club for me to beat you with when the occasion merits."
Maybe that's not how she means it. But that's how I hear it. I've heard very similar things before from unstable (translation: diagnosed-mentally-ill) individuals. It's some seriously ugly mojo.
Ugly enough that, at some point, who cares where it's "coming from".
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
IMO, this has nothing to do with any actual damage Ms Hairdog could or would do to the children's college fund. These are not Ms Hairdog's children, and she is not responsible for their education. While it would be pretty to love the children of one's spouse as dearly as one's own kids I don't require pretty.
She did, however, marry a man with (three?) prior children, and it is only fair that a portion of hairdog's money goes into the college pot before being added to the general household pot. If she wants to contribute her own money, great. If not, fine. It is, however, unacceptable, to use that contribution as a threat in an argument. I don't care if she doesn't really mean it. I don't care if the actual ramifications are negligible. I don't care if hairdog is a great dad (I'm sure he is, and this has nothing to do with his children's well-being. This is all about Ms Hairdog). Contribute or don't contribute, but do NOT use the kids as a tool. Her behaviour is unacceptable, and if you let her get away with it she will perceive it as a lethal weakness. I would.
It's the fact that she thought it was ok to lob a threat at HD's child. That is insufferable and should be stopped immediately. Surely you see the wisdom in coming down hard on that.
Absolutely.
HD's children, he has 3 I believe, from his prior marriage.
To so cheaply drag HD's children and take a shot at them in the midst of some dumb morning pi$$ing match is an indication of either how little regard she has for him and his children or is an indication that no shot is too low for her to take.
I agree with Corri that HD has given many indications of being a great dad - warm, humorous, generous, & caring. My personal opinion is that his wife grows more in her control of HD and shows less control of herself with each passing year.
Standing up for his kids in this circumstance will accomplish several things. He could establish his first boundary ever in his marriage. He could establish that his children are not cannon fodder to be used by his wife to serve her own selfish goals. You can't even call what happened a heated argument. She's merely grumpy and pulls out something like this?
She has proven that she will threaten HD with unsubstantiated accusations *in order to win*. She is intentionally cruel and her behaviors toward HD are abusive, IMO.
If he takes a stand on this issue in regards to his children, for once she won't be able to squelch him by accusing him of selfishness. If he takes a stand on this issue, he will discover what his wife is really made of by her response.
My intensity toward this and encouragement to HD to deal with it *now* does not mean that I am suggesting that he go launch nuclear missiles. I am suggesting that he tell her straight up how offensive it was and to not do it again. He must challenge her attitude in regards to his children. If she is claiming that it is her salary going toward the children's college funds, then HD needs to take that out of her hands (and the requisite amount out of the joint checking) and take it from his own salary. I would not leave my children's future in the hands of someone who is too willing to use it as a whip.
If she can't step down off her high horse and respond to him in a mature, understanding manner in regards to using his children in this fashion, then he will know just exactly how cooperative (or not) she will ever be to work on this marriage.
You don't use children to win your own petty battles. To do so indicates a lack of scruples, IMO.
So are you people on this board, who have so much experience working with relationships, saying the only two alternatives HD has are to either shut up and let her control everything, or go to war? Do you really think that is the only way to deal with this?
