DONNA--finding herself #16

[Trip]

Donna, it seems like you really need to get back to a couple of the basics of DBing.

For instance, every time you think of your H, tell yourself to STOP and find something to do. Could be anything, just as long as it is something.

Make a list of goals that you want to accomplish that doesn't involve H or the kids. Break down those goals into doable actions.

Put the focus on you and off of H. Take yourself out of the house or area that H is in. Find a park to go walking, or reading in. Go to a coffee place to work on your paper, etc. There are things to do and occupy yourself with if you look.

When you are alone, what is something you like to do that you never did? Do it! Watch the movies you like, go to the theatre, dance around the house, there has to be something.

[saffie]

I mean give this immediate change- the letting go- give that time.

What you are going through is so very hard. I know that I would have written a letter like that too - but I also wouldn't have sent it. It takes time to grieve and evryone's time scale is personal to them.

Saffie

[NikB]

Donna - I didn't comment on your letter because I think others covered it, but I agree that it's best to burn it or find something other "ritual" to help you let it go. Also like her reply on the CW/birthday party situation.

But I don't know how to let go when so much of me is wrapped up in how I was part of a marriage. It is my identity that I am loosing, too, and much of my family.

I feel a bit odd giving advice right now when my own sitch seems to be going downhill, but I think it's sometimes easier from the outside looking in, so I'll give it a try. I know you're losing your identity and it hurts, but try to look for the positive in it: what's your NEW identity?? What parts of your identity are you keeping with you, and what do you want the "new Donna" to be? It isn't easy, I know, but try to focus on that. Once in awhile even let yourself get a little excited about it. I don't expect that you (or anyone!) could just suddenly be thrilled with the changes overnight, but when you get those little glimmers of excitement, of what your new life might look like - try to savor and enjoy them, let them get a little longer each time. Remember when you fantasized a bit about that baseball player? Let yourself do that more.

Did I ever email you that "thriving through change" stuff?? I think you might be at a point where it could do you some good. I'll look through my sent folder and send it to you if I haven't already. It was a corporate training class I took, but I got a whole lot out of it in terms of dealing with my sitch (probably more than I did for work actually). If nothing else it's kind of nice to read some "self help" stuff that's about YOU, not about your sitch, kids, etc.

He makes me feel so guilty for loving him and wanting to try to save our marriage, or the chance for our marriage. And then, I have to face our failure with our children.

I am the queen of feeling guilty for just about everything, but remember that YOU choose how you feel. YOU are the one making yourself feel guilty. Sure he's helping you along, but don't let him do it anymore. He isn't worth it right now, and you deserve to feel good.

As for your kids - you haven't failed them unless you abandon them, and I know you won't do that.

A few other random thoughts that seemed like they might help...

I started a gratitude journal this week (have seen it suggested by others). I'm going to focus on putting a minimum of 5 things per day in there, things I am grateful for or positives that happen. I realize some days will be a struggle to find that many and some days I'll probably have way more. Maybe it's something that would benefit you, too? My first page started with what friends have been telling me and with what I'm trying to drum into my own brain - and what I think would be great to drum into yours. "I am: strong, caring, intelligent, loving and lovable, capable, pretty, worthy of respect, worthy of love." Plan to read it to myself daily until it sinks in.

And I recently snagged this from someone else's thread - wise reminders from a veteran DB'er:
(sorry I can't recall who gets 'credit' for this one)

1. Change your mind, and you can change your world.
2. Let go of what you can't control, and focus on what you can.
3. Law of attraction: put your attention on what you want, not on what you don't want.
(this one is especially applicable to both of us I think. You've spent a LOT of time and energy focusing on goodbye letters, on saying goodbye to your H... instead, put your attention on the new you, the future that you want, and see what happens)

(((((Donna)))))

[NikB]

Will I ever be able to talk to him again?

Not today, no. Don't worry about a month, a year, 5 years from now in terms of your H. Focus on what you need TODAY.

And time keeps slipping away...so much lost time.

Reclaim the time for yourself and your family. The time's only lost if you let it be.

[mkultra]

Yoga has been helpful to me. Most of the women there are older than me. The instructor said to push away thoughts of the past. Stay in the present. The future hasn't even happened yet. Be mindful of the now and love the now. She meant as we were in the yoga studio. It helps me a lot to be around other women who are positive. I took yoga because I read that Jennifer Aniston took yoga after Brad Pitt and she broke up and she kept seeing him with Angelina and their baby plans everywher. She said yoga helped her cry it out safely.

[Reincarnated]

{{{Sara, saffie, OT, Nikki, mk, Trip}}}

Ugh, I seem to have lows and way-down lows as of late. I know that it is making yet another adjustment to this whole sitch, and that it too will pass. I have to focus on how to become proficient in getting things done at work and home, while finding balance with the kids. That is getting the focus back on me, but I have to find a way past the resentment that I have to do this all alone.

I was happy to discover that tonight's homework was one that I did in a class that I never finished--a quick copy and paste, an on-line test, and all done :0) Good thing, since I was so trashed from the missing meds today and slept for 1.5 hours when I got home.

I have tomorrow night with the kids. It looks like D will be spending the night with H on Fri and Sat (as of now)--the first time since the first weekend that she will be away from me 2 nights in a row. She thinks she can do it, so we will see. I know that she misses him.

So, Friday night I am looking to see if the bellydancing is up and running. If not, I will grab some coffee with my co-leader from Scouts. Then, the plan for Saturday is to go into NYC and see a show (or two) with LI friend; taking the train. Sunday will be catching up on chores, setting up a new filing system, and finishing the week's homework. H will bring them home by 7.

I was so challenged with time-management my whole life; I have got to get my sh!t together so I can get it all done! I have to know that I can do this, even while I don't want to. I look around, and see a new problem for my brain to focus on. I hope that it is enough.

CW's D will go to the party on Sat. D is looking forward to it. I have to not think about it. The kids have played online and talked on the phone, but no playdates since the whole thing blew up.

[NikB]

((Donna))

You sound better, that's good. Some sleep and getting your meds back on track will help, too. Was it antidepressants that you missed the dosing on? If so just be warned it can take longer than you'd think to get back on track... I missed a day and I was "off" for about a week. Not to discourage you, just be prepared in case it doesn't kick back in right away.

As for the time-managemet - have you ever looked at Flylady.net? It really helped me get organized. It's a little overwhelming when you first look at the site (funny for a site about organizing eh?), but I like it a lot. Some of it's clearly geared for stay at home moms - if you sign up for the email reminders: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FlyLadyMentors/ I'd choose the digest or you'll get bombarded with all these reminders to get dressed, exercise, make the bed, etc. But the other principles I really like. Here's the beginner section:
http://www.flylady.com/pages/begin_babysteps.asp

I called it "Operation Shiny Sink" when I started - you'll see why if you look at the site. I was shocked that it really DID make a difference to have all the sinks in the house shining.

Here's one geared specifically for single parents, might be useful:
http://www.flylady.com/pages/FlyFocus4.asp

Hope the bellydancing is up and running so you can go! I plan to do my DVD again tonight.

[mkultra]

OMG Nikki, I just read your sig. Another bomb and it is post piecing. I need to catch up on your sitch. You sound really good. I will tag you soon, Nikki. You have been so helpful to many people here and in Piecing. Sometimes I feel too sad to leave this forum to see the other forums, honestly.

[mkultra]

Donna, It sounds like you are letting go of some of the control and that may be seen as a 180, so good for you. It really is not about what other people see anyways, it is about letting go of things out of our control and focusing on ourselves. Your life sounds very full and fulfilling, as if you had no time to wallow. I remember what my brother said, " Look at your life compared to H's. No one would trade places with him." It is true for us. We are LBS but they are the ones who have to live with themselves.

[NikB]

Donna sorry... mini hijack...

mk - on your reply to me, aw thank you!! Yeah, Piecing's no guarantee, either. I looked at my sig today and realized it wasn't reality anymore, so updated it. I know what you mean, I used to always avoid forums other than "mine" too.

And... agreed, I sometimes wonder where Donna finds the time to wallow!! (((Donna))).. I know, if you feel bad enough, you find the time. But I think you're doing so great.