Still Seperated and Hopeful

[mcojh]

Well I have been trying to lay low a bit and have done an okay job of not inviting CW anywhere and just doing my own thing. Fri was S15, now S16's birthday. We went to a ball game as a family and later out to dinner. We went about our own business Sat and Sun. Monday she called and invited herself over for a "end of summer" BBQ. She brought over some steak and chicken to grill. It went well, and she even rode her bike over to my house, knowing full well that S6 would want to go for a ride after dinner, which we did.

Tuesday we only talked briefly about kid stuff.

Today, she called a little miffed because she heard from S16 that I was considering painting part of a room, lightening the color to make the room brighter. She made a point to tell me that she still owned 1/2 of the house.

We went on to have a R talk. She is adament that she is going to file next week and she told me that there is no hope for us blah blah blah. She loves to say that she needs closure and all that. We talked for about 40 minutes and eventually we get to some emotional stuff and then it seems like every time we talk, we go in circles.

I told her that she hasn't really ever tried to work on our M, even though she insists that she has. I also told her that there was nothing I could do to change her mind and that I was going to have a great life and if she wanted to be part of it, great.

We also talked about how hard it is for me around her family when she had them come to the parade last week. I had told her at the time that it didn't bother me, but I told her today that I was nervous around them and that it can be awkward. She then went on to lecture me about the fact that I haven't really changed and that if I really had changed, I would be able to be honest with her. I told her that I couldn't tell that because I felt that if I did, it would show that I wasn't dealing with this.

She also told me that she always has to bring the R stuff up. I am not sure what she wants me to do. It is almost like she wants me to beg her to stay, and then she goes on to say that the only way that we can ever get along is if we are divorced. She talked about how when we were together there was always so much anger. Funny I don't remember that. The anger, was from her as a reaction towards me and a reaction to her eating problem.

Don't know where this leaves me, probably soon to be filed on, but for sure confused.

S and W