Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 4

[Heimlich]

LOL. You forgot about the orange shag and the hanging bamboo beads. Lava lamp. Check (I love it so. Mesmerizing.) I also have a bean bag chair (actually, a giant lumpy love seat sized bean bag thingy stuffed with two foam filled queen sized mattresses. Super comfy for 1. xbox, 2. football, and 3. um, other things ) No can do on the Bud Light sign. Life is too short to drink or support bad beer. Sadly, no fireplace.

Lost it a little bit tonight. Our girls disappeared into a neighbors house without telling either of us (NOT happy about that) just before dinner. Obviously, scared us both a little. Figured they were somewhere, but one never knows. Anyway, was pissed at the girls for doing that. That transformed itself, somehow, into sadness while we were eating dinner. W could tell something was bothering me. I couldn't even identify what was bothering me, just felt vaguely sad and out of sorts.

Got the girls in the tub and I was about to leave to pick up a few things and drop some more stuff at the apt (yes, legs are starting to rock) when she asked me what's wrong. For some reason, I almost lost it. Said some variation of the following:

I feel like I've failed you and I feel like I failed the girls. I wanted better for them than to have divorced parents. I really am ready to move out and am excited to do so. I'm also ready to live my life without you. At the same time, and this is hard to explain much less understand, I still would prefer that at the end of this road that I come home to you. Not because I need you, but because I want to be with you. I finally feel like I can be the partner you deserve, but I feel like I let the opportunity slip through my fingers because for the year that you were open to being with me, I was blaming you for our problems and angry with you over the A. I'm honestly not mad at you, which makes this even worse because if I had had the same understanding I have about myself today 7 months ago, i think we'd be well on our way to being happily married. I'm sorry, but I still love you very much and want to end up with you. At the same time, I'm OK if we don't because I know that I didn't give you a reason to stay around for a long while. And I'm sorry for that. I can't bring myself to blame you for checking out. Part of me hates opening up to you because I just feel that you think I'm trying to manipulate you. I wish you could look inside of my head and see the truth.

That's all jumbled, but that's the gist of it.

Part of me wishes I had just walked out the door, part of me is glad I said it. I hadn't opened up to her in the past few years. We'll see how she acts over the next few days. Don't know where it came from, I feel good. I am ready to move out. I guess it's starting to hit me what it's going to mean to our girls and that's upsetting me. We both teared up a little. She gave me a pretty good hug after. Then I left for my shopping excursion.

On a happier note, think I've about decided on the TV.

Also, just realized, she asked me what was bothering me. Can't remember the last time she did that.

BD