Return Engagement - thought we were a success

[In4Ride2]

The db groove is coming back to me. Still haven't decided for sure whether saving M is my goal, but either way db'ing can't hurt the sit.

Positives today:
I didn't call him - not too difficult, didn't want to call
I didn't start smoking again
I maintained a good PMA, just a few hiccups
I didn't let work get to me

It's a little awkward because it's H's birthday, but he just left 2 days ago. Will no call convince him I'm being spiteful? or will a call seem like stalking? I finally decided that he's probably sitting there alone in that apt feeling guilty (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt), so my calling will probably just aggravate his guilt and make it easier to convince himself that I'm making him feel bad. I think it's too soon, B'day or not.

Finally, I decided to put a little feeler out and see what works and what doesn't. I sent him a simple email that comes up on this same computer - we have two different account names, saying "Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday :)" He will see this next time he comes to house and checks computer while I'm at work, whenever that is.

We'll see what happens. If the response is a terse "Thanks", I'll know which way to jump.

God, I had forgotten how much effort it takes for such tiny bits of progress.

Oh yeah, I also lost it when I came home and saw an email confirmation for his order for new online service at the apt. Obviously, he ordered it before telling me he was leaving. So who knows if he's been planning it for days, weeks or months. I just keep telling myself it's no worse than last time when he hung around making all his arrangements in front of me for new carpet, new appliances, etc. at the apt.

I guess the lesson is - it doesn't matter whether they make all of their plans in secret or they do it right in front of you - it's equally painful and it probably doesn't have the same meaning to them that you can read into it. Last time H spent forever making improvements and spending lots of money to make the apt a great place for himself, and then he never spent more than a few nights over there.

You can see I'm trying to convince myself not to read too much into H's actions. Time to stop focusing on H and get sleep for me.