I think my H is ashamed of where he is in life right now. He wanted to be much more successful than he has been. Yet he has not taken initiative and risks and has spent probably the past 2+ years complaining about things like having to commute 4 hours a week (which, as most of you recognize, isn't really much).
He once said "I'd be nothing without you," which I thought was an unhealthy statement. At the same time he blames me and anytone else within reach for his lack of success, criticizes how I care for the baby, etc.. On some levels I think he is jealous of me.
I don't know if H has the fortitude to come through this or if he is going to envelop himself in endless self-pity. I don't know if he has what it takes to rebuild a marriage and he may simply choose to take the easy way out. I could see him trying and the minute it has to be difficult, giving up.
OW is very needy and H has a history of being attracted to overly needy people. There is a "helping" thing there but also a control issue (OW is probably easy to control). It means he doesn't have to deal with someone with real opinions.
Yet I feel this is partly why he rejected me--I needed him. Maybe my vulnerability being pregnant and having a baby scared him.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I wasn't disputing you at all. I was simply adding onto thoughts you had about childhood issues....and I happen to see your point very well.
I realize you moved through your issues long ago, and I pointed that out in the last paragraphs....that you had the ability to do so, in a healthy way, b/c of the core points I stated in my post...positive outlook, strong core, etc.
I hate to divert the thread a bit, but my fantasy football draft is tomorrow and I have the number 9 pick in a 10 team league. Who would you most like if you were picking 9 and 11?
Is there any way to tie fantasy football to childhood issues or MLC? Just kidding!
Seriously, I've enjoyed this tread immensely. Keep posting people!!! It gives me much to mull over, which I like doing.
Always, As usual I enjoyed your thought provoking post. The Sudanese boys are an interesting case, as is the Vietnam war vets. I think one of the things that may have helped the Sudanese boys through was that actually did have a sense of identity: for many refuges it is 'us against the world' But as my therapist says [and Masterson echoes in his book] one of the abiding mysteries is why some people are relatively unscathed by trauma and others virtually destroyed, and again why some people heal and others don't. It is a bit like physical illness - some people succumb, and others don't.
I have thought a lot about why we are interested in understanding what has happened to our spouses, and for me, in part, it is that to heal fully I want to be as clear as I can about my past. I think we can't move on fully until we have come to terms with our past. And for most of us this past involves a large chunk of time spent with someone who radically changed.
My h also fully embraced my family, and I believe it was my mother's death [the final member of the much loved older generation] + some other stressors, that helped to push my h 'over the edge'.
There are a couple of other ideas floating around which partially fit with the 'masks' and personas they adopt. Jung's theory of the shadow self that is within us all, but is normally kept in check. Sometimes the Shadow takes over, and the person acts out all the repressed stuff that they had held in check.
Another theory [which my therpaist subscribes to] is that early trauma sits in the subconscious and unconscious, and the person lives their life by building a reality which ignores the trauma [unless they decide to address it] However, at some point the new reality can no longer sustain the fiction, and they either have to deal directly with the problems, or create another set of realities which embrace reality 1 and reality 2. This leaves VERY litle space for maneouver, and [according to my therapist] is why many cannot create a stable reality, but thresh around.
I hope I am reporting this accurately, but I found it interesting. I used to be very sceptical of psychotherapy, but I can now see value in it. Having said that, we still need to confront the matter of individual responsibility - we are not at teh mercy of our genes, our infant experiences and so on. We do have choice and free will, and for whatever reasons, our WAS have behaved horribly!
we still need to confront the matter of individual responsibility - we are not at teh mercy of our genes, our infant experiences and so on. We do have choice and free will, and for whatever reasons, our WAS have behaved horribly!
EXCELLENT
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Lissie - thanks so much for pix. I really wrestle with this individual responsibility issue, but ultimately we really do have to recongise that whatever has ahppened to us, it is our response that matters. As my incredibly wise vicar says it is the response to the event that determines the outcome.
As I understand it we are all given choice and free will. To live in any other world would be unthinkable. Yes, we can understand what might have driven our WAS to their horrible actions, but they still chose to behave in that way. They chose not to get help, they chose to turn their back on their commitments.
