Heather has made her views known; she really isn't seeking input on whether any of us agree with or approve of them... it's more a discussion of boundaries and her understanding what they are, what they feel like, and what to do when they are violated. It's tough. Especially when the person who violated it is someone you love.
I'm sure when you 'caught' him, he was feeling embarrassed on a variety of levels... I'm curious... and this is just me being curious... how do you think you might have felt if you had walked out and he was MBing... just sitting there... no porn or anything involved?
Embarrassed without a doubt. I did not shame him or even discuss, address or otherwise refer to what he was doing. That was not the issue (even though it hurt).
he's human, Heather. Just as you were and still are. There is going to come a day when you mess up, maybe not on the same scale... but how you deal with this now... and any empathy and compassion you can show as you do so, only goes further in defining your character and your sense of self.
I know what you mean, it makes total sense to me and I like to think that is the way I already operate.
And just a heads up... this might not be a done deal. It might get tested again... but weigh each circumstance as it comes, and see how he portrays himself and owns up to things. Just because a boundary gets crossed doesn't mean it is always done on purpose. So use discretion.
Gotcha.
I do have one caution and that is if your husband is using porn and masturbation as an escape, too "tune out" with it may be very difficult for him too kick, even I you're having sex. One thing I was trying to get at when I shared with you some of my experience with porn was too say that it isn't always just about sexual fulfillment. If your husband isn't very self-aware the way he uses porn allot of issues may come up and be a big struggle.
I see what you're saying. It would all be for the better, in the direction of personal growth though. But I would not have thought about this if you hadn't mentioned it and a heads up is great because I might be able to see something coming before I would have otherwise.
Thanks to you all for your 'that a girls'. I appreciate your support.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I am fascinated by what is happening in your M. I love that you are owning your space within your R. It is so good for you. You know how in martial arts you are taught that a wide stance is more stable? Well, when Heather takes up a wide stance in the M, I think the M becomes more stable. KWIM?
I HATE porn. I hate it because it is one of the great unknowns in the equation of my M. I am not puritanical about it, I do understand the appeal. My H has made it clear that he views it and sees it as normal. If he did that and also met my sexual needs occasional porn viewing would be fine. However, he doesn't and so it isn't fine. I don't know anything about the type and frequency of his viewing and I haven't spied in order to find out. The consequence of that is that I've probably waaaaaaaay magnified it in my mind. The consequence of not spying is that I don't know how worried or upset I should be. For the time being it is a factor in my M and I choose to let it remain so until I am ready to deal with it, until I am clear what my boundary is about this. Do I really think that a moratorium on porn will bring him to my bed? Not sure. My point? Good for you for figuring out where you stand and making it clear to him and yourself. I hope that it isn't a recurrent problem.
I love that you are owning your space within your R
I remember when you took up space in your M, taking pictures off the wall, etc.
I remember in the beginning, I liked it when x took up space. It was cute, and funny, and reassuring. better then the rest who tiptoe around and sit on the edge of the couch, and are afraid and apologetic for being in your space. JC and her dogs, take up a lot of space, in my yard, in my house, in the truck, on trips, and not one of them every feels bad about it.
So if the porn itself doesnt bother you, and he is not lying about it-- which part of it does bother you?
Hey, I posted to you earlier on my thread because I thought I remembered you saying you live close to DC and I'm going to be there for a seminar....dinner is a possiblity with a couple people from the boards. Would you be interested?
Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Dinner is tough for me due to small ones but if you pick an evening and a place that works for others I will see what I can do. I live in a bedroom community of Baltimore and work in So. Maryland. If you give me an email address I can talk off the boards.
Bf - because my H was single for so long and owned our home prior to us being together I took a long time to take up space. I am finding the more I take up space (fairly and respectfully) the better the R fares. No, I'm not dealing with the porn thing becuase I am not in a place to tackle it fairly and respectfully (especially when I have no data).
