There is a lot being said here about boundaries, I know I still have a lot to learn. However, I am learning every day to be clearer and clearer about my position on things. I am not convinced that I haven't done a relatively good job on the porn issue. Saying I am not clear on the issue is not true-I am clear on the issue. I am not necessarily clear on the whys of the issue, but that is not uncommon and does not mean I'm a doormat. I have taken time out to do nothing....although you may see that as failure to enforce my boundary, I see it as a huge improvement over where I used to be because I used to 'react' to just about EVERYthing. I am growing, taking time to just feel what I'm feeling, stand by what I feel, consider my options. Corri, you know where I've been, so surely you must see the improvement in that?
I wasn't criticizing you, sweety. You were the one who said you thought you were getting confused with the boundary. I kept coming back at you, not to pounce on you, but to try and help you clarify. Boundaries are tough little suckers to get.
And... I know you are clear on how you feel, and you may THINK you are communicating that clearly... you may be... he may not be listening clearly... or he could be hearing you, but just testing it/you to see if you are serious as you say you are... that's usually one of the very first things that happen when someone sets a boundary... at least until the other person knows that when you set a boundary... you set it and you mean it.
So... if it sounded like I was pounding and hammering away... I was... but on the point, not on you.
It sounds as though your actions are backing up your words, now, too.
I'm sure when you 'caught' him, he was feeling embarrassed on a variety of levels... I'm curious... and this is just me being curious... how do you think you might have felt if you had walked out and he was MBing... just sitting there... no porn or anything involved?
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I was shaking, my heart was racing. I am telling you, I could have thrown a car.
Good control. Good of you to recognize that you needed to calm down, first and foremost.
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I went for a walk. Calmed down some. I came back and talked to H. Much was said, all in a very calm and controlled manner. We were both obviously trying to point our effort at damage control to our M rather than cast daggers at one another
This is great... on both your parts. For both of you.
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Corri, when I snapped that DVD in half, on some level, even through my cloud of anger and hurt and disbelief, I thought of you. I did not feel like I had the authority to do that the first time I found that disc because I was snooping and it was not my property. I can tell you I had no difficulty with it on Monday night.
I did something similar with my bf once. I had a suspicion and I confirmed it. And I pretty much violated his privacy in order to do it. I am not one to violate someone's privacy, for I like mine to be respected, too. Once the issue was cleared between us, we addressed this. I apologized for violating his privacy, and I told him I would not do it again... UNLESS, and ONLY UNLESS, my sense of self-preservation felt threatened.
A long philosophical discussion could be had on that, and I'm sure someone could make a very strong case against such a statement, how that isn't fair, I'm being ridiculous... etc. I'm not looking for agreement or approval. I mean it. I feel so strongly about it, as a matter of fact, that it is a boundary of mine, and if he pushed the issue and said... "me or the boundary..." the boundary would come out on top. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that he understands me, loud and clear.
It took me awhile to get over all the left over emotions from that issue of ours. I, too, felt oddly detached, almost like I was viewing myself from outside of my body somewhere. But... I think that only echoes just how strongly and firmly you feel...
They will wash away, eventually. And let them. They won't do you any good, and neither will the mental images. You've got the boundary, you are sure in it, you will take action on it if it is ever tested again...
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This all would have been so much more meaningful if he had just told me the truth the first time when I asked him about porn a few months ago and he lied.
'If onlys' don't do you any good. Look at it this way... if this had not played out as it had, you may not have learned so much about yourself and your boundaries. In a sense, he did you a favor, and maybe even notched up his respect for you a peg or two.
Two... he's human, Heather. Just as you were and still are. There is going to come a day when you mess up, maybe not on the same scale... but how you deal with this now... and any empathy and compassion you can show as you do so, only goes further in defining your character and your sense of self. He may not treat you in the same way, given the same kind of circumstances... but looking back on your own actions, now... will give you a great deal of information you will need, if and when it happens to you.
That sounds really cryptic, I know. Can't really explain it... hope you can kind of sort of get what I'm saying.
And just a heads up... this might not be a done deal. It might get tested again... but weigh each circumstance as it comes, and see how he portrays himself and owns up to things. Just because a boundary gets crossed doesn't mean it is always done on purpose. So use discretion.
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We've already resumed much of our affections toward one another.....but I still feel very separate. Maybe that's a good thing.
Maybe you just aren't feeling as fused? And perhaps you have gained back a bit of personal power and self-respect? There is an awareness of him, and an awareness of you, and where those two beings begin and end. Now you can love him/forgive him because you CAN, because you want to, because it is Who You Are... not because you are trying to 'make amends.'
I personally think it is a much healthier place to be. Give yourself some time... don't hold it over his head... it won't do either of you any good... but don't quickly forget it, either. You'll know when... caution is never a bad thing... unless you let it bloom into paranoia, kwis? Trust... but verify?
