This looks more and more similar the more we talk. I don't have any evidence of OM, but frankly I wouldn't be surprised given how common it seems at a time like this. I'm not going snooping, however. I did casually ask her about a month into the separation. She was going away to a sailing class and quipped "There might be boys at sailing school." I don't recall exactly how I phrased the question, but her reply was "There's no one else. I'm doing this for me." I'll take her at her word until I have evidence to the contrary. Maybe she was pulling a Clinton and there was/is another man, just not at sailing school!!!!
I couldn't agree more about how we men need to learn some basic skills about R. My parents marriage was, I now feel, deeply unhappy. My mom died when I was 14, and was sick for a couple years before that, so I don't have a lot to go on in terms of memories of their R. But based on what I do remember, and from talking to relatives this summer for the first time about such matters, I have concluded that they indeed had a troubled, unhappy R. Thus, I never saw attempts at repairing hurts, or for that matter, what real love looked like between two adults. I feel I'm getting a crash course now, based on all my reading and reflecting.
It hurts like hell to feel that I am ready in so many ways to be a better H, to give her what she deserves, and we may be on the verge of splitting. If that happens, I take consolation that I'm a better person for a new relationship, but I don't relish having to go look for one! I can empathize, up to a point, with feeling so hurt that you just don't trust to go back. However, I also feel she owes it to me, herself, and us as a couple to really give all options a shot before a D. I feel there are many things we both need to try to make it work before we throw in the towel, but obviously I can't control her.
Based on your description, I highly recommend Terrence Real's book How Can I Get Through to You? I just finished it this weekend. I've read 35 or so books since June, and it is one of the 3 or 4 best I've encountered. He really delves into the socialization patterns for men and women, and I think you would see a lot of yourself, and possibly your WAW, in this book. He lays out some really tough cases, but cases where the M is repaired after a lot of hard work. At some point, he notes, when we men have really put in the work on ourselves, the WAW has to trust. No one has complete certainty on anything in life, but for the R to survive the WAW has to say "OK, I see enough signs of change that I'm willing to give this a shot." That all depends, of course, on WAW being willing to look!!! If she can't even get to the looking phase, then there's little or no hope.
My WAW has not talked D, so I take consolation in that. We didn't get here overnight, and it won't be fixed, if it ever is, in a short time. Still, there are times I'm so eager to show her things. I must remember that she's not emotionally in a place to look at that right now. As Michele and others say, it's our WAW who are driving the bus. We're along for the ride, so long as we believe in the M.
Keep standing for your M!! If it ends, you will at least know that you did not give up. You can justly be proud for that.
I like your suggestions, but my WAW doesn't want to do anything with me now. Back in June and July I would periodically ask if she wanted to get together for some festival or some other "fun" activity going on in town, but she always said no. I have stopped beating my head against that wall. I never pressured her; I just sent an email asking if she wanted to go to... event.
Ever have the feeling that you don't know your WAW, and that she probably doesn't know you? Ever wonder what the road back, if there is one, even looks like? Some days it's hard to imagine the how. I can imagine what a better, fuller relationship looks like in the end, but I confess I have trouble some days seeing how we get there. What conversations have to take place? How are those conversations structured? It seems like it has to be handled very carefully lest it spin out of control very quickly. That's were a good couples therapist may help, but right now WAW believes we need to work separately. I've not raised couples therapy. My therapist, and I, agree that it would be too soon for that and that WAW would take it as sign I was trying to "blame" her. She does have some stuff to own, I feel, but I can't make her see that. She has to somehow get to a point I feel,on her own where she's comfortable taking a look at her side of the equation. I'm willing to see my problems as "bigger" than hers, but I just don't feel that I am the only one who needs to change. I need some things from her, too.
Have you ever done couples therapy? What was it like? Pros/cons?
You actually will have picks 9 and 12. But here is what I would look for. I like RBs as early as possible because their differential seems to be greater than other positions. But below is my cheat sheet from the other day. From Fantasy Football Index which I rode to a league Championship last year.
In one league (16 teams) I got Reggie Bush at 10 because you get points for receptions, then Steve Smith at 23. In the other, Brian Westbrook at 7 and Willias McGahee at 18. In the late rounds look for guys who will be the tops at their position. And don;t be afraid to take one of the rookie RB - Lynch, Peterson if they are there in the 7 or 8th round. I liike to load up on starters. be careful of you bye weeks.
OVERALL TOP 50 Yardage Rankings Rk Pos Tm Bye Player 1. RB SD 7 Tomlinson 2. RB STL 9 S.Jackson 3. RB KC 8 L.Johnson 4. RB IND 6 Addai 5. RB DEN 6 Henry 6. RB SF 6 Gore 7. QB IND 6 P.Manning 8. RB PHI 5 Westbrook 9. RB SEA 8 Alexander 10. WR CAR 7 S.Smith 11. RB CIN 5 R.Johnson 12. QB NO 4 Brees 13. RB PIT 6 Parker 14. RB NO 4 Bush 15. RB CHI 9 Benson 16. WR DAL 8 Owens 17. QB NE 10 Brady 18. WR IND 6 Harrison 19. WR CIN 5 C.Johnson 20. WR IND 6 Wayne 21. RB BAL 8 McGahee 22. WR ARI 8 Fitzgerald 23. WR CIN 5 Houshmandzadeh 24. WR BUF 6 Evans 25. WR STL 9 Holt 26. QB CIN 5 Palmer 27. RB NE 10 Maroney 28. RB CLE 7 Lewis 29. RB JAC 4 Jones-Drew 30. RB ARI 8 James 31. RB NO 4 McAllister 32. WR DEN 6 J.Walker 33. QB DAL 8 Romo 34. TE SD 7 Gates 35. WR ARI 8 Boldin 36. WR GB 7 Driver 37. RB NYG 9 Jacobs 38. QB PHI 5 McNabb 39. WR SEA 8 Branch 40. WR NO 4 Colston 41. WR HOU 10 A.Johnson 42. RB HOU 10 Green 43. WR DET 6 R.Williams 44. WR NYG 9 Burress 45. WR CHI 9 Berrian 46. RB TB 10 Williams 47. RB DAL 8 Barber 48. QB STL 9 Bulger 49. WR TB 10 Galloway 50. RB NYJ 10 T.Jones
As for what this says about our childhood...we are men..football..Go Eagles!
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
I usually do a little homework for a few weeks before the draft. Not one of these guys who crunches all sorts of numbers, but I have usually spent some time at a few sites in preparation. Not this year with the separation and all my reading and reflecting on those matters. I look forward to the start of the season, however, as it will help with GAL.
I'm leaning to the 2 RB approach. How high are you on Bush? We don't get points for receptions, just yards and TDs. I worry he's a bit of a risk at my spots. He could be huge, but he could end up with 8 TDs, which isn't good enough for those draft spots. I was burned by Shaun Alexander last year, so I know too well what early picks who flame out due to injury or sub-par performances do to a team.
How much do you like Travis Henry? If he's there, I think I'll take him.
I can see Bush being a risk with no reception points. He was available and the cheat sheet said he was the highest rated guy in the points per reception league, so I took him.
If Travis Henry is there at 9, grab him. And if you aren't sold on Parker, Alexander or Bush, you have Rudi Johnson, and perhaps Westbrook. And if Peyton Manning is there, you have to strongly consider taking him. There will still be a good RB in the 3rd round. And one of the top rookies will be availble at some point.
Bruce I bet you are having a great day today! IMP made a good drift in suggesting not to wallow in the sitch, but to get busy with things that make you excited about life instead. Football is not my cup of tea, but I have started getting back into watching and playing soccer like I did before.
I haven't kept track of how many books I have read since it all started. Reading has been a tremendous help and keeps my mind focused on the positive side of life and what I can do better in the future, whether its with my current W or someone else.
My W and I tried MC a year and a half ago, after I had confronted my W with her EAs. The MC kept asking us about our past and childhood stuff. It was not very comfortable. W was also not showing any remorse at that time and she saw MC's analysis of my past behavior as a band-aid to justifying her infidelity. We went for 2-3 sessions and then we quit. Big mistake in not changing gear and looking for a better MC with solution focused therapy! At the same time, I compromised and forgave her too easily and it did seem to me that she was going to make a positive effort. On a hindsight, I should have started DBing right then.
Just a few days ago, I visited a different Licensed Family therapist for the sake of me and my 2 girls. He was also successful in convincing my W to visit him for an individual session. His intention was to see if there is any crack open in her mind for reconciliation. I don't know what was the outcome. I will find it out in my next session.
Yes, we can all look back at what could be better with our parent's R, our upbringing, our WAW etc etc. But for now, you are just doing the right thing by moving on with your life, doing things you enjoy and making yourself better in the eyes of the WAW. Keep up your chin and don't look back.
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
One thing I say differently is this. Instead of moving on, I say moving forward. Moving on was always framed as just go find someone else. Like I could just do that.
