WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing -3

[Nomopo]

Hope I am not being too harsh, but let me go a little further. (And I totally understand having one of those weeks, so feel free to ignore. Just trying to help, really.)

I just don't think H can let go of his family enough to let that happen. His attachment to his family and not being able to live his own life is a big part of our problems. He has only been to IC twice during this 3 months.

This is not an easy thing for him to fix. He may never do it, but he might. Just like you need time and space to heal, he needs time and space to discover and fix his issues. Patience is needed all around. "Keep hope alive!" (Did I just quote Jesse Jackson?)

I would have enjoyed any sign that he was sorry. As they say talk is cheap. So its actions that would have to show me he really is sorry for how he treated me.

Again, it may take him a while to realize this or be able to express it. He may feel so hurt he can't apologize yet.

I don't know, maybe him showing me support when he sees me crying or knows I hurting. There is a difference between pushing and being a caring individual.

I can tell you right now that when my W is upset I really don't know if she wants me to support her. Remember, she has basically told me she may walk away. In other words, she may not want me in her life. Why should I think she wants me to comfort her? The whole reason is that the point of our S is for her to decide if she is happier without me. My point to you, WAW, is that it's hard for everyone in these sitches to see what the other side is thinking/feeling, so don't assume things that may be obvious to you are obvious to your LBS.

Maybe not being a vindictive bastard about possesions, custody of our child & dog...even this latest crap where he gave me back the savings that he had absconded and put in a safe, of course minus my half of the money for the trip.

Can you validate why your H may be feeling vindicitve? Can you empathize?

Confuzd, wanted to respond to your post too:

It seems as if you started off as a WAW, and your husband DB'd the heck out of you (basically turned the tables) He showed that he was not about to chase you, and he continued on with his life.

This took you out of your position as a WAW and he is now the WAH, He has all the power because you are the one who wants him back.

I think this is off base a bit. Her H hasn't really DB'd her at all. Now he may have stopped chasing (in other words backing off). And maybe the power is shifting a little. WAW did say she felt maybe her H had given up and moved on, and expressed some concern/hurt over that possibility. But to say the roles have reversed where he is the WAS and she is the LBS is, IMO, a lot more unlikely than likely. He may be detaching. He may be moving on. But it could be a lot more than that. (Could be, I stress. We can't really know, I don't think.) He could be giving her the time and space she needs. He could be realizing that he doesn't control the sitch, and may be trying to not control things. He could be focusing on himself. It isn't clear. Personally, I doubt seriously he has moved on.

Now, for WAW1978, I think you should continue to focus on you (and what you want for you and your D). That's really what we all have to do. And I would strive to interact with H, when you do, the best you can. Be as pleasant as you can. But give him time, space and patience too. And I would not give up on MC or IC as it happens. Hopefully he will learn, grow, come around. This is not any easier for him than it is for you or any of us.

Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps.

Big hugs,
Nomo