Annie, this brought tears to my eyes. This man deserved the right to die in any way he chose. But, he is now at peace and is looking back understanding why he couldn't. T
Many of the WAS spouses have unresolved problems relating back to issues in childhood and adolescence
Now you want to move the bar.
Annie,
There are all kinds of issues. Yes, some worse than others. Would you like me to tell you how my mother compared me to others all my life until I was in my mid 20s and told her she better not ever compare me to anyone again or else? That is a childhood and adolescent issue too. We all have them to varying degree. And yes, some are worse than others.
Now, back to systematic abuse, yes, it happens, but I refer to the opening post. And not all of these MLCer went through the systematic abuse you mentioned. Of course, if you are going to excuse them (ansd that what much of this is) for their issues, why is everyone so ready to blame those "unsuitable" OPs?
Seriously, do we allow the crazed lunatic that shoots up children in school to use their childhood as an excuse? Maybe we are not talking about excuses. Except I think that we are. Reasons and excuses...where do you draw the line.
Regarding speculation, yes, it happens and I do understand the need for humans to explain things. Unfortunately around here soon as a newbie comes on and has read all the MLC stuff and says my wife/husband is in deep replay or whatever, the troops quickly come out to say poor baby, yes s/he is in MLC. I see it time and time again. I like to first stop the bleeding, then examine the question and get them away from the rash labeling of MLC and generally suggest they seek a counselor to discuss the issue.
And as a man, I have seen enough of these guys to know that many of the truly great guys are really lowlife scumbags, bad childhood or not.
IMP, I understand we all have issues in our childhood to varying degrees, things that our parents "did to us" that contributed in one way or another to the people we are today. And some have overcome those things and some can't.
I am not making excuses for my husband. I consider all these childhood things reasons, in his case, but the biggest REASON for where he finds himself now, is that, as an adult, he's unwilling to face these things and man-up. It's easier to avoid, check out, not do the hard work. That's on him, fo'sho...
IMP, Annie is already a success with this MLC. She has handled all of this beautifully and has been a strong support for others. She is not making any excuses, nor is she enabling her ex. She is simply batting her thoughts around tying up the loose ends.
You have been a strong support for her, me and so many others. Let her sift thru what she is sifting thru and don't worry. She is in the right place with this. Trust the female instinct to kick in at some point and let it happen. She is there. Be your ususal strong shoulder w/o the advice. That is truly all a woman needs. Your strength and trust.
IMP 'Now you want to move the bar' This isn't a mid term exam, or did I miss something? It is a thread for goodness sake. Rambling. sometimes incoherent. Should we post health warnings for newbies?
I see this more as speculative 'dinner party' conversation, where we toss ideas around. Nowhere does anyone say 'this is the way it is'. I am reading the posts with interest. . . . . some are deeply sad.
I totally agree that childhood issues 'shouldn't' affect adult behaviour. However, many people believe that they do. This isn't to excuse, but to understand.
Perhaps we all see these boards a little differently?? And our responsiblities??
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