My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

[Steel_Box]

I have been DBing and working on making a better R & M with my W. Everything came to a head in April of this year, at which point there was the ILYBINILWY, PA w/ coworker, etc. We separated and she got a condo in early June. She did not stay there until July and even then only a couple of nights. About 1-1/2 months ago W's attitude turned around from "maybe someday I'll look back and regret this" to asking me if I would be willing to go to counseling with her, and obviously trying to work to improve our R. It has been a rocky road and a rollercoaster but some definite improvements have happened. We talk more openly about things that bother us. (more about things that bother her, since I am still DBing and keeping a lot of my complaints to myself.)

However, amongst all this good there is still bad. Despite asking me to go to counseling on July 16th she has still not made an appointment. In discussion in July she brought up idea to quit current job so that she could be home more for kids and to work on M with me. I have seen no effort on this, and she seems to be sliding back into her old travel routine and has talked about ideas and plans for next Feb. To my knowledge PA ended in June but she is still in contact with OM (phone, text, email - This is confirmed, not suspected). I saw a text the other day saying that she wanted to set it up so they could get together. I would like to give the benefit of the doubt and think that this is so she could end the A, but I just can't convince myself.

So here is my dilemma, I have considered handling this in a couple of different ways.

1.Sit back and continue my current Db route of acting as if nothing is going on behind my back and that I am trying to improve me and thereby us. All the while holding in my knowledge and letting it slowly eat away at me from the inside. This method has gotten me this far, but I am wearing thin and am starting to lose my resolve and question whether this is really what I want. I know I want my W, just not under these circumstances/conditions, and I don't see an end in sight without some sort of catalyst.

2.Approach her and tell her that I know that she has things that she is still trying to work through and that I am here for her. (I have told her this before and she seemed appreciative that I understood, however she has yet to open up about much of anything and still gets very defensive when ever her job or OM comes up) In the process of this discussion ask her if she needs to see OM and end this. If that is what she needs, ask her to do it and use the credit from the cancelled vacation that she had planned with him and it won’t even cost her anything. (The trip was cancelled because our court date wound up being set in the middle of it. She doesn’t know that I even know about the trip) My thought is that this is both a give and take in that it shows me being big enough to not try and control what she does, and it also shows the unbelievable patience I have had in light of the pain she has dealt out and is not even aware of. BTW the trip was booked for them to spent 5 days at the beach over Father's day weekend (Nice huh!)

3.Call her to the mat. Lay it out there and start flat out asking for some GD answers. She says she wants to work on this fine. Call OM and end it. No more contact-NONE. Make a MC appointment and start showing some REAL effort not just the superficial niceties on the surface. Time to start asking & answering questions, the hard questions. If not fine, but I’m tired of this pretending to work, cake eating, have it all while my H and children suffer, keep everyone in limbo for my selfish needs BS.

Obviously the third will be the least favorable by most here, but I also see benefits in it. Each has its good and bad to varying degrees.

I would love to get input from everyone especially any WAWs that are around.

Thanks
Steel_Box