This looks more and more similar the more we talk. I don't have any evidence of OM, but frankly I wouldn't be surprised given how common it seems at a time like this. I'm not going snooping, however. I did casually ask her about a month into the separation. She was going away to a sailing class and quipped "There might be boys at sailing school." I don't recall exactly how I phrased the question, but her reply was "There's no one else. I'm doing this for me." I'll take her at her word until I have evidence to the contrary. Maybe she was pulling a Clinton and there was/is another man, just not at sailing school!!!!
I couldn't agree more about how we men need to learn some basic skills about R. My parents marriage was, I now feel, deeply unhappy. My mom died when I was 14, and was sick for a couple years before that, so I don't have a lot to go on in terms of memories of their R. But based on what I do remember, and from talking to relatives this summer for the first time about such matters, I have concluded that they indeed had a troubled, unhappy R. Thus, I never saw attempts at repairing hurts, or for that matter, what real love looked like between two adults. I feel I'm getting a crash course now, based on all my reading and reflecting.
It hurts like hell to feel that I am ready in so many ways to be a better H, to give her what she deserves, and we may be on the verge of splitting. If that happens, I take consolation that I'm a better person for a new relationship, but I don't relish having to go look for one! I can empathize, up to a point, with feeling so hurt that you just don't trust to go back. However, I also feel she owes it to me, herself, and us as a couple to really give all options a shot before a D. I feel there are many things we both need to try to make it work before we throw in the towel, but obviously I can't control her.
Based on your description, I highly recommend Terrence Real's book How Can I Get Through to You? I just finished it this weekend. I've read 35 or so books since June, and it is one of the 3 or 4 best I've encountered. He really delves into the socialization patterns for men and women, and I think you would see a lot of yourself, and possibly your WAW, in this book. He lays out some really tough cases, but cases where the M is repaired after a lot of hard work. At some point, he notes, when we men have really put in the work on ourselves, the WAW has to trust. No one has complete certainty on anything in life, but for the R to survive the WAW has to say "OK, I see enough signs of change that I'm willing to give this a shot." That all depends, of course, on WAW being willing to look!!! If she can't even get to the looking phase, then there's little or no hope.
My WAW has not talked D, so I take consolation in that. We didn't get here overnight, and it won't be fixed, if it ever is, in a short time. Still, there are times I'm so eager to show her things. I must remember that she's not emotionally in a place to look at that right now. As Michele and others say, it's our WAW who are driving the bus. We're along for the ride, so long as we believe in the M.
Keep standing for your M!! If it ends, you will at least know that you did not give up. You can justly be proud for that.
I like your suggestions, but my WAW doesn't want to do anything with me now. Back in June and July I would periodically ask if she wanted to get together for some festival or some other "fun" activity going on in town, but she always said no. I have stopped beating my head against that wall. I never pressured her; I just sent an email asking if she wanted to go to... event.
Ever have the feeling that you don't know your WAW, and that she probably doesn't know you? Ever wonder what the road back, if there is one, even looks like? Some days it's hard to imagine the how. I can imagine what a better, fuller relationship looks like in the end, but I confess I have trouble some days seeing how we get there. What conversations have to take place? How are those conversations structured? It seems like it has to be handled very carefully lest it spin out of control very quickly. That's were a good couples therapist may help, but right now WAW believes we need to work separately. I've not raised couples therapy. My therapist, and I, agree that it would be too soon for that and that WAW would take it as sign I was trying to "blame" her. She does have some stuff to own, I feel, but I can't make her see that. She has to somehow get to a point I feel,on her own where she's comfortable taking a look at her side of the equation. I'm willing to see my problems as "bigger" than hers, but I just don't feel that I am the only one who needs to change. I need some things from her, too.
Have you ever done couples therapy? What was it like? Pros/cons?
