MLC and childhood

[mile_high_PMA]

Bruce
wow! I didn't know I will find somebody like you who can mirror my feelings and situations. I hope this thread doesn't become a dialogue between the two of us, but hopefully we leave a trail that helps someone else in a similar sitch.

you mentioned: "I did not have the skills, or knowledge, of how to deal with my feelings about what was happening." I think its great that we realize what we lacked in our R, but never, never take the blame for the W's decision to walk away without working on the M or indulge in infidelity with multiple OMs as is the case with me. Also from what I read from R books, its typical of M to lack that skill and express their emotional feelings. On the other hand W expect their M to intuitively know how their Ws are feeling. this is crazy!

"Do you try to drop hints of what you're working on emotionally? How much does your WAW know?"

I only drop hints by my action, like Michelle and others have suggested. I let my W decide what she wants to see and gather from how I am developing myself and moving on with my life.

Like you, my career and job took a blow 2 years ago at the same time my sitch started. Like most M, I have been a very career oriented guy throughout and my self esteem is dictated by how I perform. The situation with work (job stability, lack of direction, travel) etc. was taking a toll on my self esteem. The sitch was a double whammy. I still pride myself of having a rock steady self esteem. But even rocks can be moved too. All these issues at job and career made me a little tender and pensive and less enthused with life and I am sure that was one of the catalysts for my W's MLC.

I do want to face up to a mistake and hopefully this helps others who are dealing with MLC Ws. When my W started getting depressed and started denying her MLC in the early stages of all this, I would try to reason with her a lot. this could have been one more catalyst. so here are the do's when your wife starts getting depressed or changes her life patterns. These are nothing new, but worth revisiting:

1. try to use your heart more than your brain in your R
2. listen to her and validate her feelings, don't question her feelings
3. don't smother her, giver her plenty of space
4. get on the DB program right away - change yourself, do 180's and make yourself more attractive as a person rather than wallow in your own pity
5. try spending more time together in activities that you may enjoy together, or try new activities together.