[Valentine]

hmmmm... this IS very interesting...When I met LL he was the most charming, smooth, personable, moralistic, optimistic and mature 25-yr old young man I had ever met. He was also full of machismo. I thought it was cute and part of our culture so I really did not think anything of it...

We are talking about masks...I always believed that LL never wore them but in truth, he has. When I met him, he was wonderful...I think at the time he was happy...law school was tough and I helped him out---I would do stuff for him. When we married I can see the little cracks appearing...during our infertility and the years that it took. I remember when they told me I was pregnant for the second time, he broke down and cried. I was startled b/c I had never seen him that way.

When we got pregnant for the third time, he had no emotion...he said he didn't believe I would carry to term...because I had not the other two times.

I think not having kids was hard for him...harder than what I thought it would be for him. I think of his childhood and his parents relationship. He never talked about them being loving with one another...In truth, I do not think they were. He hated rejection. I am not sure if it was because he felt rejection from his father. He was a more sensitive person and I don't think he got that from his dad. His mother's life revolved around her kids and she is very possessive of them even now---especially LL.

He still pays the bills, he visits his mom a lot more. He said that I had "killed" the pathetic man he was and that that man was "never going to come back". Recently he said that he had learned "a lot" about himself over the past year, he describes it as being hard and that home is his "haven" for him now...yet he never stays a long time...even shorter than before.

I have no idea what is happening to him now. He used to have a lot of contact with me...but over the past few weeks he has rarely talked to me and I have not seen him in 2.5 weeks, which is strange for him, because even though he left he would always stop by to see me and the dogs.

Who he is now, is not really an attractive person to me and I wonder if he will remain that way or will he come out of it and be the person I married...

I personally think LL has a long way to go. Last summer he was the meanest person I had ever met...I think he left because he said he didn't want to be like his "mom & dad". I don't think he wants to be vulnerable ever again. He seems to be okay with his life and how its going...he requires A LOT of validation for the things he does that are good...a LOT of praise...I wonder where that comes from? He always gave the impression that his mother was the best mother ever. So I wonder to myself, is this really MLC or is he just this way with his macho attitude dictating his life.

I don't know what the answer is...