DONNA--finding herself #16

[NikB]

Donna - I didn't comment on your letter because I think others covered it, but I agree that it's best to burn it or find something other "ritual" to help you let it go. Also like her reply on the CW/birthday party situation.

But I don't know how to let go when so much of me is wrapped up in how I was part of a marriage. It is my identity that I am loosing, too, and much of my family.

I feel a bit odd giving advice right now when my own sitch seems to be going downhill, but I think it's sometimes easier from the outside looking in, so I'll give it a try. I know you're losing your identity and it hurts, but try to look for the positive in it: what's your NEW identity?? What parts of your identity are you keeping with you, and what do you want the "new Donna" to be? It isn't easy, I know, but try to focus on that. Once in awhile even let yourself get a little excited about it. I don't expect that you (or anyone!) could just suddenly be thrilled with the changes overnight, but when you get those little glimmers of excitement, of what your new life might look like - try to savor and enjoy them, let them get a little longer each time. Remember when you fantasized a bit about that baseball player? Let yourself do that more.

Did I ever email you that "thriving through change" stuff?? I think you might be at a point where it could do you some good. I'll look through my sent folder and send it to you if I haven't already. It was a corporate training class I took, but I got a whole lot out of it in terms of dealing with my sitch (probably more than I did for work actually). If nothing else it's kind of nice to read some "self help" stuff that's about YOU, not about your sitch, kids, etc.

He makes me feel so guilty for loving him and wanting to try to save our marriage, or the chance for our marriage. And then, I have to face our failure with our children.

I am the queen of feeling guilty for just about everything, but remember that YOU choose how you feel. YOU are the one making yourself feel guilty. Sure he's helping you along, but don't let him do it anymore. He isn't worth it right now, and you deserve to feel good.

As for your kids - you haven't failed them unless you abandon them, and I know you won't do that.

A few other random thoughts that seemed like they might help...

I started a gratitude journal this week (have seen it suggested by others). I'm going to focus on putting a minimum of 5 things per day in there, things I am grateful for or positives that happen. I realize some days will be a struggle to find that many and some days I'll probably have way more. Maybe it's something that would benefit you, too? My first page started with what friends have been telling me and with what I'm trying to drum into my own brain - and what I think would be great to drum into yours. "I am: strong, caring, intelligent, loving and lovable, capable, pretty, worthy of respect, worthy of love." Plan to read it to myself daily until it sinks in.

And I recently snagged this from someone else's thread - wise reminders from a veteran DB'er:
(sorry I can't recall who gets 'credit' for this one)

1. Change your mind, and you can change your world.
2. Let go of what you can't control, and focus on what you can.
3. Law of attraction: put your attention on what you want, not on what you don't want.
(this one is especially applicable to both of us I think. You've spent a LOT of time and energy focusing on goodbye letters, on saying goodbye to your H... instead, put your attention on the new you, the future that you want, and see what happens)

(((((Donna)))))