On Corri’s thread I mentioned that W and I had a long talk last week. This is a follow up on that conversation, or as much as I can remember of it.
W complained that she got no validation from me. She went into a long example of talks at her school with other women teachers, how they exchange ideas and recommendations for dealing with the kids, etc. I didn’t hear anything out of the norm from any other work related conversation, but she claimed that because the other teachers listened to her ideas, she was being validated.
I told her that she was comparing apples to oranges because she does not have an intimate relationship with those teachers. With me, there are much deeper levels that come into play. At work, she can go to other people for validation if one teacher does not give her what she wants. We can only come to each other in the marriage, and I can only come to her for sex. So her validation needs to come from me and mine needs to come from her. She then started going through her filing cabinet of complaints. I stopped her and said that if she had so many complaints and could not get past them, then we just needed to D. She simply agreed but did not push the issue. So I kept going.
We discussed how she feels men’s valuation of women is flawed, that men do not place value on home making and motherly duties. She believes women need to become successful in workplace to get respect and acceptance from men. I told her that if she truly believes there is value in what a woman and mother does in the home, why does she look to career women as being more successful and worthy of more respect? She does not believe in being subjugated to men, she does not believe in the “rules” made by men, yet she judges herself and other women by rules defined by men. This is hypocritical.
She says she believes this because of what her father always said, that women should defer to men for major decisions, but inside the family, at the emotional level, women hold the real power. So W makes her stand on the home front, and has abdicated “outside matters” such as my work related issues to me. I told her that I thought she did this in exchange for me giving up my say so over family matters and the kids (this is one of those unspoken, covert contracts on her part). In this way, she was controlling and limiting my involvement in the family, or that’s how it felt to me.
I told her that I think she is still rebelling against her father and his machismo ideas toward women and the workplace. But on the other hand she is incorporating his ideas that women should “rule” in the home. Furthermore she is using his standard of respect toward women in how she herself places value on other women. By that I mean she thinks that if women defer to men (and therefore subjugate themselves to men), she cannot respect those women as much as if they were not being “subjugated” to a man. Yet she then told me that she believes men and women have equal worth and value. So there is an inherent contradiction in her thinking and how she values herself. I told her she is still dancing to her father’s voice in her head and still trying to please him.
I told W that using the very standards of her father, which she despises, to judge her and myself is one of the secondary effects of her FOO that she has not addressed. She has come to terms in dealing with the loss associated with her parents’ divorce, her father’s leaving, her mother’s death, but has not come to terms with how all of those emotions impacts her attitude toward men and our marriage. She still allows her prejudices to keep her resentment alive and hold on to the past, and not letting go of that keeps a convenient wedge in the M.
She admitted that she still holds onto anger and resentment. As I mentioned on Corri’s thread, I told W that when she is angry and goes into her cave, that increases my anxiety, so I pursue her. When I get angry, that makes me appear as the “abuser” by default (because I am the one making a proactive action), when all she is trying to do is to “get away.” I told her (and she knows) that this type of abandoning behavior or not talking is a form of verbal abuse, and I feel hurt and abandoned when she does it.
I asked her if she thought she was an empathic and compassionate person, and she said yes, very much so. I then asked how that could be if she cannot understand my feelings and the role she plays in hurting my feelings. There is a disconnect there. I told her that I think her resentment causes her to have a biased sense of empathy. That is, she has a hard time feeling empathy toward men because she keeps playing her father’s voice in her head, so she is rebelling against the inconsideration he displays in his ideas about women by being non-empathic toward men, and me.
We talk about what it is that I want in the M (for the 100th time). She complained that she is busy with school and trying to keep after the kids and has little time, but I “demand” more time with her that she does not have. She has made this statement numerous times before, so again I stopped her and asked when did I ever say that? I told her she keeps wanting to hear something I did not say. I said have always wanted involvement from her, but that does not require much time. Calling me at the end of the day does not take much time. Checking when I’ll be home, or what I’m doing (or what she’s doing) doesn’t take much time. Coordinating dinner or who needs to pick up the kids does not take much time. I told her she keeps hearing my wants though her filters, and seems to come up with the idea that meeting them is a form of subjugation. I told her that is not at all what I am asking.
On Corri’s Workshop II thread, I stated: I predict this will go better between us this weekend but she will find something to stress over, probably the kids school work, or going out too much, not telling her where they are, something. So we shall see.
The weekend did go as I expected. Things were smooth between W and I but there were some flair ups between W and D16. D16 has been going out more with friends (which I encourage) but not keeping up with her chores, which is what makes W mad. Up until a week ago, there was a similar problem with D14, who still keeps her room messy, but does not seem to argue back about it now. Oh, W was still frustrated with the dog, but not as much as before.
Since school started, the stress level has been up for W. She was transferred to another school and has new students. This group is apparently very “low,” meaning low in IQ (she is a special ed teacher working with disabled kids). She put into practice advice given her last year by an experienced teacher and that is to take control and be very stern from he git go. So she has been “barking” at these kids to get them to behave, pay attention and follow directions, at it is working. Even the principal commented on how well things were going compared to last year’s teacher, who was simply passing time until retirement.
What I saw was that W was coming home with the same mindset from school and barking at our kids. I realized this over the weekend and told her to knock it off, that I didn’t like hearing that tone from her. She apparently wasn’t even aware she was doing that because I could tell she suddenly realized it, and stopped the barking. The rest of the weekend went much smoother. I think addressing her father’s voice in her head was a major breakthrough for our marriage. We shall see how far it carries.
