SillyHead HD, You just need to do what NG does to me. Squeeze her boob while YOU are sleeping. Probably you should mix your testosterone with Ambien rather than alcohol to achieve this. Happy dreams!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Perhaps he did it again because maybe he hoped. Maybe he was attracted to his wife and wanted to reach out. Maybe there was hope because they have had sex since the incident before.
I ended up sleeping in another room for most of the night. I had gone to bed first. She came up about 1am, and between her initial fidgeting and the puppy settling in (yes, the puppy sleeps with us, usually between us, and --insert analogy here comparing dog to Cerberus guarding gates of Hell -- )and, as I lay there, trying to get back to sleep, I heard the cognitive dissonance banging around: she says you violated her, she comes to bed, she compares you to psychosexmaniac/hubby/rapist, she sleeps next to you, she says client is filing criminal charges against hubby, she says she doesn't even know if you might have done the same kind of thing to her, she's snoring.
I got up and went to another room to sleep. After getting up, showering, dressing, etc., I went back to our bed and she actually reached over and put her hand across my chest (no, chrom, I didn't spring up and say, 'how dare you!') and asked me why I'd slept elsewhere.
NG would have said, "oh, just had trouble sleeping and didn't want to bother you with my tossing and turning." I know this, because I've said this so many times. Instead, I said, "I tried to get back to sleep after you came to bed, and was thinking about what happened the night before, and you comparing it to your client's case, and basically felt uncomfortable next to you and . . . "
At this point, she got up, cursing, saying that I've made it "all about you" and "poor Hairdog" and "it's great how YOU did something wrong and now I'm the bad guy" and various other stuff.
Wednesday mornings are the mornings I go into work late in order to stay and help her get our DD6 ready for school. Originally, these mornings were part of a group of suggestions to "help the marriage". I was to use the time to connect with her, talk about stuff, etc. Lately, it's just become a way to reduce some of the normal morning stress she goes through. And, I suppose that's fine. I consider it one of the ways I help out around the house which, in turn, is supposed to be supportive of the marriage. (Warning - victim puke ahead) Of course, the Wednesday morning contribution was included along with things she was supposed to do, which never really happened, (and yes, which I didn't MAKE happen)and (although I could look in my journal to recall), have since forgotten. Yes, Stoic Hairdog has continued to stay late on Wednesday mornings. Where's my medal? And yes, Martelo, I realize that Wed. a.m.s are part of my "covert contract": If I stay late on Wed. mornings, you will love me and blah blah blah.
Anyway, after that, it got worse and I ended up leaving for work. (Damn...forgot to put on my belt...got a meeting at 2pm...maybe I should go out at lunch and buy a belt...)By, "it got worse" I mean that I was trying to help DD6 do a homework assignment (homework? In first grade?) and couldn't find out from her what she was supposed to do with a particular sheet (draw a picture? write a sentence?) and all she could say was that she didn't remember what the teacher had told her about the assignment. I went upstairs and said to W: H: I think she should just go to school with the assignment not completed, find out what she's supposed to do, and hand it in late. W: (no response for a while, then) I don't want to talk with you. H: Well, that's an immature response. I'm just trying to discuss with you what we, as parents, should do. W: Don't call me immature! H: I didn't. I said that your response was. W: You're the one who needs to grow up. You do something wrong and then the rest of us have to deal with your moods. Don't roll your eyes! H: I didn't. That may be YOUR truth, but it's not THE truth. W: I'm done putting any more money into your kids' college funds.
I left. I figured that it was either going to end up with some money threat, or some divorce threat. I'm not worried about the college fund issue. It's just another version of "I'm DONE" which she always backs down from. I've come to see her control of the finances as fairly illusory. Ten minutes at a computer and my entire paycheck gets routed to a different bank. Passwords get changed, etc. But this won't come to that. I suppose I've come to realize that this is just another dip on the roller coaster. I can handle it.
I'm not ignoring you, NewJourney and Southern Girl. I know that there is an issue with the "well, then why did you do it?" and "why do you put up with it?" I'm working on understanding that, myself. I'll let you know if I come to any conclusions.
Perhaps he did it again because maybe he hoped. Maybe he was attracted to his wife and wanted to reach out. Maybe there was hope because they have had sex since the incident before.
I think this is exactly right.
Well, the "hope" part is definitely correct. But associating it with the fact that we had sex back in May somehow changed the "rule" is not right. Yes, I hoped she would react with a moan of pleasure, rather than a "WTF?" But there's no reality in our history which would suggest that such a positive outcome would occur, beyond the very early days of our sexual relationship. Hope springs eternal? Or, "shake the cage and create some conflict?" Or, "just a quick squeeze to see if it still feels wonderful and hope she doesn't wake up?" Maybe some of all of those...maybe something else.
Hairy, You're doing fine. She'd make it your fault if she stepped in dogsh!t getting out of her car at her office, you know that don't you? I'm especially proud of you for this:
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NG would have said, "oh, just had trouble sleeping and didn't want to bother you with my tossing and turning." I know this, because I've said this so many times. Instead, I said, "I tried to get back to sleep after you came to bed, and was thinking about what happened the night before, and you comparing it to your client's case, and basically felt uncomfortable next to you and . . . "
At this point, she got up, cursing, saying that I've made it "all about you" and "poor Hairdog" and "it's great how YOU did something wrong and now I'm the bad guy" and various other stuff.
Looks to me like you found a bit of chink in the armor there. Keep it up guy! She's grasping for things to jab you with, and you are doing a good job of handling it.
Or, "just a quick squeeze to see if it still feels wonderful and hope she doesn't wake up?" Maybe some of all of those...maybe something else.
or maybe you hoped her boob was a secret lever that caused her skull to pop open (a la Data from STTNG) so that you could reprogram her logic circuits?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
This is what you posted yesterday, after you explained what happened:
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So am I a sex addict with real Major Issues? A rapist? Or what?
Well, here's what I think, for the record. It was wrong for me to squeeze her boob -- the second time, after I realized that it was, indeed her boob and that she was, indeed, asleep. At that point, it was all about me, she was just a body attached to a boob, and it felt kinda cool that I was squeezing a boob for the first time in months. And I should have stopped.
But I really don't think I am a sex addict, or that I have major issues. I really do think that my decision NOT to stop was driven by sexual frustration, testosterone, and that perhaps the alcohol might have clouded my thinking a bit, although I realize that it sounds very lame.
I am wondering if it is totally NG for me to just keep this view to myself. Yeah, probably. It fits within the paradigm, "If I am good and hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life."
What do I want?
I want to tell her, "It was just your boob...get over it!" I want to tell her that I apologized, that it was genuine, and that I will not join her in beating the sh!t out of me over it. I want to tell her that she may think I need to earn her trust back over months and years, but that "her trust" is her problem, and that all I need to do is to be comfortable with the person I am.
I read this in someone else's posts on another board, but it is relevant, here, somewhat edited:
I can never "earn" what she is not willing to grant. I will never stop f#*king things up. I will never again live my life to please her. I will never match up to her ideal man. I will never be her leader unless she voluntarily follows. I will never be in control of her, only myself. I will never be more in her mind than she is able to accept, but in my reality I will never be limited by her acceptance. I still love her regardless of the above.
I was right there with you... but I'm just really confused how you stated all of the above, of what YOU think, of what YOU want... seemingly putting together a plan of action for yourself... even asking of input... of that plan... (I thought... this is where I may have misread)...
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I guess I'm asking the ladies here if you think I'm a total freak, or insensitive, or too sensitive or whatever. I'm not looking for validation or a slap-down...just some thoughtful analysis.
... and I guess I'm wondering how you saying all of that above... turned into a dissection of Mrs. HD, how you have a right to feel indignant for being called a rapist... it now sounds like it is about your honor vs hers...
You get what you ask for, sure. But what you asked for had nothing to do with what you said you wanted in the email above... and the plan seems to have gone out the window. What happened to it? Or was that wishful thinking and I misread it?
The plan seems to have gone out the window. What happened to it?
I see your point. Just because I answered my wife honestly this morning, instead of saying, "before I tell you why I left the bedroom, let me say, I have apologized and I will not join you in the beating the sh!t out of me, etc.", does not mean that the plan is gone.
I still intend to talk with her about the other issues. I just didn't get the chance to, this morning, before it got really ugly. And bringing my issues up in the midst of ugliness: 1. is what I usually do 2. gets a response of "making it all about you" 3. shuts down her "listening" ability 4. is ineffectual.
No, what is much more difficult for me to do is to bring up my issues in the midst of calm. This "making waves" is a big fear of mine, as you well know. Although I knew that my answer to her this morning would likely cause waves, I said it because it was what had been banging around in my head the night before. It was a question that I felt deserved an honest answer; kind of like, "what were you doing downstairs?"
When it comes to women that have some sort of trauma in their past, I think it is more about keeping control over themselves. Marriage is supposed to be all about trust. The problem is that even though HD may be VERY trustworthy, Mrs. HD has LOST the ability to trust anyone OTHER then herself. So she has to effectively CONTROL everything in her life. SHe is not trying to control HD, she is trying to control HER own life. The last thing she wants is to be vulnerable, (because that is how the trauma probably happend). So her solution is to make sure she is NEVER vulnerable. Not sure there is anything HD can do to change this, this most likely will require massive work by a IC and Mrs. HD.
