OK, so I'm not doing anything now. I am just so tired, OT. I miss him. I know that I am still trying to control something and someone that I have no control over, no right to control.
But I don't know how to let go when so much of me is wrapped up in how I was part of a marriage. It is my identity that I am loosing, too, and much of my family. It is the only thing that he is asking of me, now, to let go. That I am making it much harder than it has to. He makes me feel so guilty for loving him and wanting to try to save our marriage, or the chance for our marriage. And then, I have to face our failure with our children.
Hope hurts me, but I don't know how to extinguish it. Even when he tells me that it is over, he doesn't want me, he is never coming home...
I am struggling to get my mind occupied with other things. Any time in the car is awful. I can not be alone with myself and my thoughts. I am scared of giving up, even as feelings within shift, swelling and waning.
I have to go back to work...will check back in later. First grad school paper of the semester is due today.
