You sound like you are doing "great", relatively speaking. Not that any of us is truly "well" at a time like this, but I'm glad to hear you are not sitting around moping or clueless, or engaged in self-destructive behaviors. Like you, I have avoided that stage. I plunged right into trying to figure out why I was the way I was. Like you, I have looked at the last three years of my life (a new, very stressful job; we moved because my WAW was very unhappy personally and professionally where we used to live). I see more clearly than ever how the new job triggered old fears, and I feel I subconsciously "blamed" WAW for my pain. Part of the problem was a lack of physical and mental energy; I let the job drain so much out of me that all I wanted to do most weekends was nap. Pathetic!! My fault!!! We really stopped having fun as a couple, spent less time together because I traveled more (though not like many people do), worked a few nights, weekend mornings sometimes, etc. I turned from her; she turned from me and a downward spiral ensued.
Our problems are deeper than the last three years, so I don't chalk it up only to that, but I feel we took a dramatic turn for the worse since the move. I see that now; I was in denial. Based on family history, I did not have the skills, or knowledge, of how to deal with my feelings about what was happening.
I know my WAW saw my pain, though I admit I should have been more forthcoming and self reflective about my feelings (she told me I was a different person since the move, I denied that; she was right!) and yet I feel I didn't get enough support (emotional or otherwise) from her. She tried to soothe her guilt and make me feel better by saying that my new situation was the price I had to pay for advancement, and that my old job, where I felt a sense of connection, had an abnormal office climate. Both of those statements were true. But, I have thought a lot about that this summer, and frankly this is where I feel she needs to own up. I feel she could have done "little" (but really not so little, in my book) things like relieving some of the burden I did around the house in terms of chores (I really did do more things than most men) as well as offer more emotional support.
Throw in what looks, at least in part, to be a MLC/change by the WAW, and it all blows up with layer after layer of complexity. It's going to be a long, long road back, if ever.
I feel like I'm finally understanding, and breaking free, from many of the chains of the past three years, and in understanding the deeper roots of my identity and behavior over a lot longer period than that. I feel a new zest for life, a new creativity, instead of the lethargy I slumbered along with over the past three years. I am angry with myself for not discovering these things about myself earlier (WAW periodically tried to get me into individual C over the years, but never pushed too hard; I refused and said I was "fine").
Mile High, I don't know about you, but I read Michele's book and many others and see many success stories. I'm not naive; my situation may end in D, but I also don't believe for a second that WAW and I have really done the hard work to try to save the marriage. I fear, though, that in her mind she feels she's done everything. On the other hand, she's not talking D. She's just not talking period!!!! As a good divorce buster, I'm staying away from her except for a few emails about the dogs. We don't have any kids. I have trickled out a few things that I'm working on, so hopefully I've surprised her in some ways and given her something to think about. "Well, maybe he's not such a .... after all." But that is conjecture, so I won't go too far down that road. All I know is that she doesn't want to talk about the R.
Does that sound like your WAW? If so, how are you coping with that? Do you try to drop hints of what you're working on emotionally? How much does your WAW know?
How has your situation unfolded in recent years? Do we have any similarities here too?
