This is what you posted yesterday, after you explained what happened:
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So am I a sex addict with real Major Issues? A rapist? Or what?
Well, here's what I think, for the record. It was wrong for me to squeeze her boob -- the second time, after I realized that it was, indeed her boob and that she was, indeed, asleep. At that point, it was all about me, she was just a body attached to a boob, and it felt kinda cool that I was squeezing a boob for the first time in months. And I should have stopped.
But I really don't think I am a sex addict, or that I have major issues. I really do think that my decision NOT to stop was driven by sexual frustration, testosterone, and that perhaps the alcohol might have clouded my thinking a bit, although I realize that it sounds very lame.
I am wondering if it is totally NG for me to just keep this view to myself. Yeah, probably. It fits within the paradigm, "If I am good and hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life."
What do I want?
I want to tell her, "It was just your boob...get over it!" I want to tell her that I apologized, that it was genuine, and that I will not join her in beating the sh!t out of me over it. I want to tell her that she may think I need to earn her trust back over months and years, but that "her trust" is her problem, and that all I need to do is to be comfortable with the person I am.
I read this in someone else's posts on another board, but it is relevant, here, somewhat edited:
I can never "earn" what she is not willing to grant. I will never stop f#*king things up. I will never again live my life to please her. I will never match up to her ideal man. I will never be her leader unless she voluntarily follows. I will never be in control of her, only myself. I will never be more in her mind than she is able to accept, but in my reality I will never be limited by her acceptance. I still love her regardless of the above.
I was right there with you... but I'm just really confused how you stated all of the above, of what YOU think, of what YOU want... seemingly putting together a plan of action for yourself... even asking of input... of that plan... (I thought... this is where I may have misread)...
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I guess I'm asking the ladies here if you think I'm a total freak, or insensitive, or too sensitive or whatever. I'm not looking for validation or a slap-down...just some thoughtful analysis.
... and I guess I'm wondering how you saying all of that above... turned into a dissection of Mrs. HD, how you have a right to feel indignant for being called a rapist... it now sounds like it is about your honor vs hers...
You get what you ask for, sure. But what you asked for had nothing to do with what you said you wanted in the email above... and the plan seems to have gone out the window. What happened to it? Or was that wishful thinking and I misread it?
