Trying to get WAW back

[Sara]

Dave,

I don't know what to say about this kid and the biting. If he bites a cord that's plugged in, he'll die. Something has to be done. I don't know if he needs a psychologist or a dentist or a chew toy. I have heard of biting the child to show him what it feels like to get him to stop doing it to people. But if he does it to things, then that doesn't make any sense. I don't know, I guess call the doctor and see what he recommends.

[DaveJ]

Sara, I agree. Something is going on. Lately he's been chewing quite a bit on his shirt and his blanket too. It is rather strange. He also licks the couch and other stuff. No idea if it's nervousness, boredom, teeth bothering him or what.... Certainly there aren't any issues between the W and I that should be the cause. We have been very good lately. No fighting for a while. Guess I'll bring it up with the W tomorrow when I go visit the kids....

[mkultra]

I don't think biting is weird for a four year old. I taught preschool and I read that a percentage of children are biters and it is only weird for the larger percentage of parents who don't have biters. It is a phase they grow out of usually by kindergarten, hopefully.

If you think he is acting aggressively because of anxiety that is normal too. Your wife's reaction was not normal. It belittled you in front of the children. If she wanted to make you feel like an ineffectual parent she has issues. Everyone walks around on eggshells during this painful process. Show your wife how much you love her and the kids. Agree with her and that will make her less defensive. Say, "You're right about my frustration in dealing with these tantrums but of course I would never hit a child. Not even on accident. Let's try 1,2,3 Magic."

My D6 headbutted me out of frustration and she jerked her head into my closed hand. Then she yelled that she was punched on her head. Boy, was I mad. I had to actually tell her that she is not allowed to make up lies about anyone hitting her. Can you imagine? If my H and I were together, no issue. He would always back me up. Saying, "Mind your mother!" Now that he is on the other side of custody, everything is on eggshells. My D knows that she is afraid to have to move in with her Dad. Which will probably never happen. She sleeps in my bed clutching me begging for a dog, saying she never wants to move from our home. It is such an upheaval.

[DaveJ]

Yeah sometimes I do feel like my W doesn't back me up when dealing with our S4. I think a lot of misbehavior from him stemming from her not having a united front with me. Every time I tell him to stop doing something he'll either be disrespectful or runs to my W crying. And a lot of the times my W just ignore him instead of tell him "do what your dad says". So my S4 does what he can to try to get away with things. A lot of the times I do feel like I have no authority over my S or respect from him due to my W not being behind me. Sometimes when I try to give my S4 a timeout my wife gets mad at me. Parenting has definitely been a source of conflict and frustration....

Speaking of which, I really hate how the laws in this country are so biased against fathers. It's like the mother can almost do no wrong and has pretty much absolute control over custody of kids. I hate how my W sometimes makes me feel like I have to agree with her parenting methods and I have no say in it. Otherwise she'll take the kids away from me. When she's in that mode, all of a sudden the kids are her kids and not our kids any longer.

[Kim07]

DaveJ,

You should live in Colorado! I have personally witnessed and was involved in cases of mothers losing custody battles w/the fathers in court! If the mother is proved to be an 'unfit' parent the court will have NO leniency with that what so ever. You're wife is underminding the rules at your household and he is learning how to pit one parent against another,,not a good example to set for D2!

Believe me,,,BTDTGTT! (been there done that got the t-shirt)

And don't think for a minute that he can't figure out what he is doing,,kids can be very manipulative to get what they want or when they don't want to do something thats' expected or asked of them. If he is running to your wife crying chances are he already knows what he can get away with with each parent and he will use it to his advantage,,nip it in the bud now or it will spill over into other things(hmmm,,biting is normal, if going to PreK doesn't cure it via peer pressure, ask Dr. he maybe trying to act out his frustration w/this sitch & feels no control over certain things),,I would demand parenting classes along w/mediation. Some are based on your income, i.e. sliding scale, some classes are free thru human services.

Sounds like she is also trying to use him against you,,judges & mediators don't like that,,document everything(day, time, who said what, who did what, even better-copy e-mails & TM's) I know this sounds harsh now but you will thank God you have all of it later IF you need it. Who knows, once things calm down she may see the light w/the help of a teacher, other moms, Dr., etc.

Again, too bad you didn't live in CO,,parenting classes are mandatory during LS or D! One party consent recording is also LEGAL in our state,,it would be worth it to check out AZ laws. When she comes to pick up kids, you can secretly(make sure ok in AZ 1st)tape record the exchange BUT YOU have to be on your best behavior,,this will make you be at your best when you are speaking & meeting with her & if legal, she will have no choice but to listen to the court if she is confronted w/this evidence.

Good Luck,
Kim

[Dom R]

W went absolutely ballistic. Telling me that "you don't hit my child" and "I wish you are gone tonight and I'm glad I don't have to deal with you much longer" and etc etc etc. Eventually she calmed down and I think we are ok now. But does anyone think she WAY overreacted?

Under stress, peoples' true (immediate level) feelings tend to come out.

This says, she views your children, as HER children, that you are a dispensable part of her family, and she'll be happy when she no longer has to deal with you as part of "her family".

She may have deeper longer-term feelings of care about you. But in the "right here, right now", I'd say this outburst from her may indicate her actual feelings about you in the current month.

So it sounds like she's planning for me to come back....

it's just words, Dave. Unless your wife is a "never lie, never decieve" kind of person.. it's just words. they may indicate her feelings... or they may be an attempt to give you warm fuzzy feelings that "things will work out", only so that you will take the separation without fighting.

you're not a mindreader, so you cant really tell.
Is your wife an "always honest" person?

[DaveJ]

You are right Dom. It's not just the anger from the incident. It's that and everything for many years all together. Very frustrating....

My W is a very genuine person. At this moment I really believe her. And this is not just me being wishful thinking. I really believe her that she means it. She is not saying things I want to hear so I move out peacefully. I already told her I am a peace with the separation. If she doesn't mean it she wouldn't say any of those things. She is having a much harder time dealing with the S than I am right now. I'm trying to GAL. She can't even sleep at night and I know she is missing me.

[DaveJ]

Well, got to see the kids last night for the first time since the S. That was really nice. I sure do miss them. S4 just thinks I'm at work when I'm not home. He'll probably start to think I'm a workaholic. Ah well....hopefully just temporary. Wife is still being very loving and has not turned into a different person. So I take that as a good sign so far. She still seems to be positive. When I was leaving I said, "sweetie, hang in there, we'll be together soon when we work through our issues". She said something like "and we will". That was nice to hear. I hope she keeps up her determination.

So here's a question.... The W says that she needs to separate the sexual feelings, the physical affections and etc from her other feelings in order for that to not cloud what she's truly feeling for me so she can figure things out. Isn't all of that the entire package? Just curious.... Are some people able to distinctly separate them? Is this one of those man/woman thing?

[DaveJ]

Well, kinda having a bad day today. Having a hard time detaching. W is really struggling. Start saying she's going to strive/try to get through her problems. Just couple days ago she was saying she WILL get over them. Seems like her resolve is wearing.... I know I know, I need to quit riding on that, I can't control anything except myself. It just pains me to see her struggle like that. It sure is a struggle to get my PMA on when she's feeling like that....

I guess I have the fear that the kids are wearing her down, she really struggles. Instead of missing me and realizing that I could make her life so much better, she goes into depression and gives up on us. *sigh*

[Sara]

Dave,

Is your wife going to counseling? To me it doesn't make sense. If she wants to work through her problems she needs to get help. If she had the ability to do it by herself she could have accomplished that with you in the home. Now things are just more difficult, not less.