Yikes Sara. I have no other divorcing or DBing friends beside my mom and she is in Hawaii with her companion of 20 years after their reconciliation. She DBed her tail off and it worked. She did not even read DB but she could have wrote it!!!
Donna, He will only feel guilt and resentment from that letter and that will be a reflection of you. He wants his reflection, when he looks at you, to be one of a good father, a loyal friend, and a providing husband. I know he has been something else altogether but men love and want to be with someone who reflects that positive image back to their heads. Men, correct me if I am wrong, and I apoligize for continually generalizing about dudes on this forum. I gathered this from my reading and my own experience, caveat ending. All we need to write to them is that we were glad that they came into our lives in the first place. That is it. Our pain does not even exist to them. It is vapour and the harder we try to show them the deeper they go into denial. Again, my Dad is still in denial after 30 something years, even now, whilst my H is repeating my Dad's history, my Dad still does not see that I married a man who cheated and lied just as my father cheated and lied to my mother.
Last edited by mkultra; 09/05/0712:28 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Enough is enough. I hope that letter was cathartic. Now have a ritual and burn it.
Do not send that, do not send anything. You don't need to tell him not to call you, YOU simply need not to take his calls.
Acknowledge that H is right. All he gets from you is more of the same guilting-dismissal of him. Of course, he keeps giving you the same sh*t too. One of you has to stop the shared sh*t eating meals. I guess it will be you. But the solution is to stop. It is not more of the same.
I couldn't even read a 10th of that more-of-the-same-let-me-tell-you-how-[censored]-up-and-evil you are letter. About the only thing that jumped out at me was this:
"In order to move on, I might need a few things from you."
NO YOU DID NOT GET TO KEEP MAKING ANY DEMANDS ON HIM I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY ARE.
If you don't want to talk to him, don't answer the phone, etc...
As for the question about D and CW's D: I believe you let them play together last week. I think it will be confusing to D if she can play with her with you but not with her Dad. It is putting adult matters squarely in the middle of her friendship. So, I would suggest a ONE SENTENCE EMAIL along either of these lines, but be consistent:
(1) No, I am not comfortable with it. D and CW's D should not be in each other's company until the no contact order expires.
(2) Yes, but D may not be within 500 yards of CW at any point.
Quit worrying about what H thinks about either reply. It is irrelevant. The only thing he would like to hear is: "Of course that is fine and please bring CW along too, don't be silly." Given you are not going there, drop it.
IF he ever tells you again that you cannot be friends with him (WHICH IT SHOULDN'T BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NOT BE TALKING TO HIM), simply agree: "you are correct, we do not have a friendship."
"I will be finalizing the rest of the bank and money stuff by the end of next week. I will be looking into a new cell phone, as you did not email me the password. It doesn’t make sense to keep all of this jointly if there is no other “us” left. I will separate other bills and such as I can, and will keep you informed. I would expect you to make the debt transfer by the end of September, as well. If you think it is more fair, just transfer over half, and I will figure out the rest on my own."
As for the money stuff, quit trying to collaborate. He doesn't need to know any of this. He does not need to be kept informed. He doesn't get to decide what is "fair," the court did that. I am sure he knows you expect him to transfer money. If the money is not transferred by Oct. 1, then contact him at that point:
"H, the amount we agreed to in monthly support has not been transferred. Please advise."
As for the back and forth kids stuff, stop it. Have one fixed schedule with the transportation assigned and stick to it. Struggling over the details over every other exchange is pointless and damaging.
OK, so I'm not doing anything now. I am just so tired, OT. I miss him. I know that I am still trying to control something and someone that I have no control over, no right to control.
But I don't know how to let go when so much of me is wrapped up in how I was part of a marriage. It is my identity that I am loosing, too, and much of my family. It is the only thing that he is asking of me, now, to let go. That I am making it much harder than it has to. He makes me feel so guilty for loving him and wanting to try to save our marriage, or the chance for our marriage. And then, I have to face our failure with our children.
Hope hurts me, but I don't know how to extinguish it. Even when he tells me that it is over, he doesn't want me, he is never coming home...
I am struggling to get my mind occupied with other things. Any time in the car is awful. I can not be alone with myself and my thoughts. I am scared of giving up, even as feelings within shift, swelling and waning.
I have to go back to work...will check back in later. First grad school paper of the semester is due today.
