muddled and angry: Puddle's sencond thread

[Nomopo]

Hey P! There are number of things in some of the past posts I want to respond, but let me hit one for now:

As long as you are, I'm guessing he's going to feel guilty. All I can say is that you know that you want to save this M. Speak that truth to your H. Make him live with a decision that HE has to make. You can't make him stay and work on the R, but you don't have to say it's OK to end it if you don't want to end it.

Yes, I agree that he's going to feel guilty. I guess this answers my earlier plea for advice. I've told him it's not okay with me, it's not what I want, and I don't think I need to keep beating that horse. Like I mentioned earlier, re the living arrangements, when the time comes I want to be clear that he's making the choice. If I say to him, "Look, I'm happy to live with you as long as you're not involved with anyone else. When and if you are, you need to leave," he'll experience that as having no choice, i.e., I'm pushing him out. How will he be able to experience that as having made a decision?

He may experience that as you pushing him out, and he may deny that he has made any choice, but that is his problem. That is part of the alien world/spew we have to deal with. It is pure fiction. Neither you nor the majority of the rest of the world will view that boundary as you being the one choosing to end this M. So decide what is best for you, let him make his choices, and try not to worry about his fantastical midnset about what he is doing. Easier said than done, I know.

Hugs, and back for more later,

Nomo

And by the way, how would you word that? WWOTS? (What would OT say?)

I don't think that he should be able to live at home and start to live a totally separate life without you. You're not his roommate, you're his W. Set a boundary that's comfortable to you.

Hello, fear. As long as I'm afraid he'll respond with, "Okay, then we'll have to get a divorce," I'm stuck. Detach detach detach. You know, when he first told me it was over, he said he had expected me to kick him out. He was so impressed that I didn't. Now I realize that for him, I think that meant, "I know it's over and it's still okay for you to be here." He's going to be dismayed when he realizes that's not what I meant. Hey, I'm afraid he's going to be angry; there's an insight. Wow, I'm apparently afraid of a lot of things right now.

I grew up relatively poor after my Mom divorced my first step dad (a happy day). We didn't have a lot of stuff, but we had food and enough cloths. Looking back, we were happiest then than before or after.

Thanks for sharing that. I know money doesn't equal happiness, and the kids and I will be fine regardless. It's a nasty turn of events, but I'll deal.

Your H is off in fantasy land somewhere, lure him back down to earth.

Fantasy land, indeed. I wish I knew how to lure him (into the path of a truck, sometimes). I think you're talking about being honest, though, and I'm going to have to do that, afraid or not.

Thanks for being there. It's a huge help. [/quote]