Threads like yours, full of fun and laughter help me soo much if I am feeling a bit down. And let's face it, however much we detach and GAL, there are still moments . . .
I think that 1 Corinthians ch 13 has it all. If we love and are loved as chldren then we are OK. Unconditional love is what really sets a child up for life.
I think there is much about your post that is true. I also think there are defense mechanisms that make up the stories that we may want. Life is full of transitions. The transitions I have experienced in the last few years have made me strionger.. And yes, some of the problems I faced had their roots in childhood and a failure to be an adult at times and face those issues.
When I spoke of inbreeding, I do see potential however for childhood issues to be a convenient boogeyman as I see very little about this in the literature. I do however see much references to recent incdents and a desire to regain youth as causes of MLC.
You spoke of the unsuitability of the OP. I know my ex met someone suitable, so I can see from an anecdotal standpoing some truth to this. But I also see much blame placed on thiese 'unsuitable" OP as opposed to the atrocious behavior exhibited by the spouse.
In regards to understanding MLC and its stages, one of the best explanations I have seen is done by Jim Conway. Conway midlife stages But one of the things I see is that too often people base their MLC on those of others. I can show you MLCer who get to a certain point and stay that way. And that leads to what I believe is the key point of your whole post and one I fully endorese.
Quote:
Will he emerge? I dont know, he is one of the slower ones certainly. Will we still want to have a relationships with each other? I dont know. We both have a choice in this. My future is no longer 'dependent' on the outcome of his return, much as I believe,I would welcome it.
And you have succinctly stated both the problem and the solution. It is what you do.
These posts are so interesting to me. I have thought a long time that my H was basically ingnored by his mother who is not an affectionate or loving person. He is sensitive to comments and I'm sure he stored everything that was said in childhood comparing him to his brother who is only 21 months younger and the apple of H's mother's eye.
H has said many times that he hates his mother when he's angry since MLC began. I worry that he compares me to her, but we are very different. I am also the one that facilitated much of his contact with his parents during our M.
H's brother was/is very attractive. It was always mentioned. Also, H was always told that his brother was so much better at everything and that H was more of a "bookish" type.
I think I gave him all his self-esteem. Then school and job promotions and ministry gave him a lot of attention and I wasn't needed so much. BTW, he'd have never done any of those things if I hadn't encouraged him.
Another point Liss and Snod made was interesting. My family had higher morals and class (I hate to put it that way but for lack of a better term . . .) than H's and I think he wanted to live up to a better standard and so perhaps that was another mask he put on.
So much damage to a little boy. I really do not like my MIL one bit, but always put on my own mask around her, but have stopped bending over backwards with her and I feel free. She ignores the fact that her son has turned into her brother who died from drinking and was found dead a week after he drank himself to death while hiding out from his family. Blah.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Oh, Snodderly, I could have written this about my own...I see now how much of my energy went into trying to respond to his expressions of "only if I had..."
For a woman who is so smart, I was, duh, very slow to figure out that the next "want" was not going to fix it either.
That's something else everyone keeps saying about my H. He was always looking for that next "something." I just never thought it would be this. Love is blind, huh?
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Inmyplace - the writings of Dorothy Rowe, and James Masterson put early childhood emotional abandonment and physical abuse very firmly in the frame, in a a way that I can relate to, and see similarities with sitch's described on these boards. Sure we aren't totally objective. One of the points of these boards is to throw out ideas and get them challenged.
I agree about Jim Conway, and if you re-read my first post you will see that I specifically say that some people get stuck. Further on Snodderly and I speculate as to why that might be. And we admit it is speculation - but all theory starts somewhere. 'Conjectures and Refutations' stuff.
My point about suitability is that, as I said, yes, some OP are eminently 'suitable'. I also know of a number, including my h's own, that are people of very dubious character. As I said, I suspect, sadly the suitable ones are the ones more likely to turn into LTRs [and that, I fully admit is my take on this].
Drug addicts, people with histories of failed suicides, long term histories of unstable relationships and multiple partners are not normally people you pick as life partners. [Although as Joe E Brown famously said as teh end of 'Some Like i tHot' "Nobody is perfect". So, some chose well, and some badly, but all are 'acting out' with the new partner to some extent, I suspect. Again, jmo.
