God, the devil or fate?

[LoginName]

Good morning KS,
I'm posting under this one, 'cause it's got the most I want to comment on, but I've read yours, and the others, posts this morning too.

Lissie sure gives good advice.

Something that I've never understood, from long before my own personal sitch, is how divorced dads can act they way they do toward their kids. You're always a dad, no matter what happens. I've heard divorced dads moan about paying child support. I always thought, "dude, It's your kid! how can you begrudge them the little bit of money you send them?". In my mind, even if the Ex misuses some of the money, you still take care of the kids. You find ways to take care of your kids. I've got a hunch (not backed up by research) that men are more likely to walk away from the kids than moms are. My W left me and the kids, but she came back, and it kills her that she left them. In fact, I think the guilt is so strong that she has started denying to herself that she ever really left.

And what the dad misses when he leaves the kids. Kids aren't a toy that, when the OW, or friends, aren't available for entertaining you, or if You feel like it, you call them up and interact with them. You've got to be available to them and for them. People are selfish, and I can live with that, but not when it comes to kids.

With my daughter being in another state with my W, it's hard for me. I call daily, but I'm aware that my d has a life and might not feel like talking to me just then. It hurts a little when she says she'd rather watch a TV show then talk to me, but I want her R with me to be as easy and comfortable as possible. When she does want to talk, I drop what I'm doing and listen and interact. It's not perfect, but I won't lose my daughter if I can help it.

Maybe your Ex is starting to feel the lose of his daughter. Maybe some guilt is creeping in, and that's why he became more interested in getting time with her. He might not be a total schmuck.

I don't really know what the kids think, or especially what yours thinks, but I know my d has gone out of her way at times to "take care" of me. When my W was with OM, my d played cards with me, read in bed with me until time to sleep, talked with me. I thought I was doing those things for her, but I see now she was taking care of me. She felt guilty talking to mom on the phone, knowing mom wouldn't talk to me and that I was in pain. Poor kid. It's been easier on my kids than many, but they still suffer. And we owe it to them to make it as easy as possible and to make sure they know that they are not responsible - for the mess, the Divorce, for our happiness, etc. and that we are there for them and always will be. It touches me that your d didn't want to make your Ex feel bad by having a good time. I worry about her. She shouldn't feel guilty about having fun. I guess by being there for her, and being a good mom, you can help her get over that. I hope so. I wish I had some great advice on helping her not feel responsible or guilty.

I hope your Ex sees this and comes through as a real man, which means a father. If not, your job stays the same, doesn't it? You're a mom.

Take care of yourself too. I know you are and will do right by your daughter.

I think Lissie is right. Set schedules and keep Ex to them. Don't let him mess up your d by changing things around, making her a pawn in anyway, or using you. If he shows that your d's happiness and well being are his top concern, then you can be flexible, yes? I say that because despite everything, I really believe both my W and I have our kids best interests at heart and we would do whatever we can to help the other have a good relationship with the kids (of course, the best thing for the kids is for them to have two parents who lived together and loved each other, but I can't unilaterally make that happen). Maybe your ex could someday really be a dad again. From my limited experience, he might not ever be a really good dad again, but it's possible.

(Man, I'm really talkative right now, thanks for your patience). I think he may be feeling (cause I feel this way a little myself, having married my HS sweetheart at a young age) that it's his turn to have fun,that he deserves it, kind of an MLC thing too. He wants to forget his responsibilities and just think about himself. He can rationalise it, thinking that you are taking care of his daughter, so she's OK, and that she doesn't really need him all the time, she's OK, kids are tough, etc.

In the end, whether he ever realizes it or not, he's really cheating himself out of a wonderful experience as a dad, and having a good relationship with his d. Poor fool.

(of course, he's missing out on a good R with you too, but maybe that's better for you. And that brings up another hard question, what if he said he's sorry and he wants to come back? Could you take him back, would you want him back? I'm asking 'cause I fear that if my W doesn't move toward me, I will fall totally out of love with her, and not want her back if she decides she wants to make a go of our M. Do you worry about that? I guess, if he does want the M/R with you, and you've moved on too far, that it's his lose and that's it.)

I think I've rambled enough for now, and I should start working. Take care, KS.