Return Engagement - thought we were a success

[In4Ride2]

Happy Birthday to the Dick - sorry that's really his name and I couldn't resist!

Doing much better today after a brief meltdown last night - I guess the crying released enough endorphins to push me back to sanity.

Without knowing yet if my goal is even to save the M, I've decided a few things like boundaries and taking care of myself.

1. I will not initiate contact - he went to the extreme of moving out to get away from me, so that tells me he doesn't want to hear from me either. I've thought about 180s and I'm not completely sure whether that is one for me, but clearly pursuing or asking questions is not a good thing during the first week at least.

2. If he wonders why I'm not calling him and why no 'Happy Birthday' - that's my answer. I'm respecting his request that I be supportive of him leaving me. (Yes, and I'm the one with the problems?)

3. If he wants to come back home in less than a month's time, it will be only after he's made a counseling appt for us.

4. If he wants to come back after a month, it will only be after we have been to counseling. And no, I will not be telling him I have any deadlines.

5. If he calls this week, I'm not ready to talk or get together for dinner yet. I want time to process things for myself. And I also don't want him thinking that he gets to chose the time and place. Our history has been that usually after I've worked my ass off all week, on Friday night or Saturday morning he announces his plans for the weekend, i.e, what motorcycle or bike ride he's going on, and I'm usually left to take care of the laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping that he seems unable to perform while I'm working all week.

6. Because he left, he will also have to do without the comforts of home. He has access to all of our/his THINGS while I am at work (and he's a man of leisure), but if he wants more than that or to see me, he will have to ask.

7. I will go out to eat by myself Friday and Sat nights, our typical evenings together. Even if I have to hang out in the Borders cafe all day, I will be out and about.

Very interesting thing I thought of last night. This is a man who has been in therapy for depression and alcoholism for years, goes to his AA meetings almost every night of the week. He's generally very open to therapy of his own choosing. But now I realize he has totally resisted going to counseling together where he might actually have to hear the other side. We tried it once shortly before he dropped the bomb last time, at his suggestion, and before the second appt he announced he really disliked the therapist and wouldn't go back. After that he would always say he wasn't ready. After he dropped the bomb in 03, he wouldn't go, and now he certainly didn't bring it up.

What does that say about him?

In4Ride