There and Back, #4

[S_O_T_S]

Hi morgan.

Good grief. I'd forgotten what it's like to follow on w/ newcomers. So much to address, so little time. I'll hit some of the highlights.

what it all will mean for us/me. so much out of my control...and typical, hard for me to let go, when really, there is no point for me even thinking/worrying about it at all.

Don't think we all don't struggle with this too.

I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, the wrong decision

Are "wrong" decisions immutable and irreversible?
Not very often.

being the hero means real forward movement, and that scares me sometimes. so much easier to sit back and feel the pain and the fear.

Facing fear is difficult, that's for certain. But I do know this: what we worry about is usually well out of proportion to what actually happens.

I recall being a kid and getting in trouble. My mother always told me to go to my room and wait until my father got home before the punishment was meted out.

The time spent there thinking about what might happen was always far worse than what really happened.

so I have to do what he did, and what so many others have... gird my loins and have at it.

But remember what this really means... It does not mean that you're giving up on him and/or your M. It means that you're going to move forward for you, knowing you're going to come out of all of this OK no matter what the outcome.

I sometimes wonder if its even me scared of making the wrong decision, but rather just scared of making the right one.

But maybe the scariest one is not making one at all.

I work myself into a boil about something (like the office stuff), completely distract myself from myself and any forward movement, and then poof, its all gone...except I'm still not focused on myself.

I put this up there as a perfect example of why you can't worry about what he's thinking... what it all means. IMO, nobody can know what's going on in his head, and the office example clearly demonstrates the futility of trying to figure it out. So divining his motivations/thoughts as:

• this was not a spur-of-the-moment thing for H
• A man who was happy with his sex life would not do all that
• Something is amiss in OW-ville.

Well, one could just as easily imagine other possibilities here too. And unless you know the truth (you don't and may never), they're all possible.

Which is why you focus on you, and move forward for you.

and a nice acknowledgment at just how messed up he is. I think he even realizes it.

I guess I didn't see it that way...

I do know he worries about me/wants me to be okay, but that doesn't really change things between us, ya know?

You got this one. My XW was always afraid that I'd off myself and then she'd have to feel guilty about it for the rest of her life. That was the motivation for her concern. So, even the seemingly human act of concern may have different meaning than one would like to believe.

okay, s_o_t_s is going to come after me for making this all about H again.

I don't think I'd ever "come after" you; so if this comes across as being attacking or hammering away at your failures, that's not the intent.

I actually think you're quite grounded. More like you need a little nudge to help get back on track as you're about to derail.

avoiding anything real...although really, it is part of me GAL and doing stuff for me, so hey, maybe not so far off. I have been doing really good at GAL

Doing things that are a) distracting and b) make you feel better?

That's the point. Don't sit still and let all of this consume you.

yay me.

Got that right. Don't forget to remind yourself of these times the next time you aren't doing so well.

I don't think we are even half a step closer to reconciliation. I really don't. but I guess time will tell. I certainly am not thinking in those terms. I guess I just see so much that needs to change in order for us to reconcile. I guess time will tell.

I find it intruiging that someone so new can write this.

I find the writings of inmyplace to be quite enlightening and I rather hope he makes it to the Boston GAL meet.

But I've had this discussion w/ others here and imp makes the same point. There's only one SIGN that really matters and that's when they walk through the door and say they are back and want to work on things.....

Everything else is just obsessing about the meaning of small details where one only has a few pieces of the puzzle. And by now everyone should realize how fruitless that is. Perhaps a useful denial strategy to help us cope? Maybe. But what we should be striving to do is to move forward and forge a better life where we are OK no matter which outcome happens.

This only happens when you're ready to make it happen, though.
Everyone has their own timetable for that one.

wonder if I should get H a copy of db to apply to his work life?

I wonder if he would make the connection to other parts of his life?

enough about him. going to concentrate on me the rest of the day.

Good for you. But I must ask...

By doing????

Because I always said I was going to do stuff like that, but unless I made specific plans I tended to sit around and think too much.

And one more thing...

this SUCKS.

No doubt about that one.

I feel right along with you, morgan.

Take care,