"Yes" on the counseling. We're going to go to MC together, and if she likes the counselor, my wife has indicated that she may even want to see her for some IC. My wife and I have both made a list of about three of our own individual "Issues" that we feel we need to work on, and she has shown a level of self-awareness and introspection that I have NEVER seen from her previously.
I have always been willing to go to counselling; hell, I'm the one who PUSHED for it in the past, but she would never go. The only thing I was balking at THIS time, is that I was unwilling to go as long as my wife was still having the affair and seeing OM. Now that she has ended all contact, I'm more than willing to go to a good pro-marriage MC.
Oh............good for you!! That is great! Oh, how I wish I could talk to your wife. Listen, I know just a little tiny bit of what she is going through. I only had an EA and it has been awful for me. The withdrawal.....I would never have believed how bad it would be! And I am still tempted after (ever how many weeks it has been now ....6 or 7)to contact OM and it makes me so mad that I have to deal with that temptation! Of course, he was not a jerk to me and send nasty letters, etc.
I don't blame you for being very leary of her intentions in the beginning, either. I agree with you about falling in and out of love with people that quickly in just a few days. I would have thought that when she got the "boot" from OM or else saw for herself what he was really made of....she saw where she better grab hold of what she was about to loose...her H & family.
It is so ironic that it usually comes to the place that the LBS finally thinks they can't take anymore and are ready to move ahead with or without the WAS when the other one comes to their senses! My H started backing away and giving me space when I told him I would leave if he didn't, but I think he finally realized that he could not FORCE me to stay if I didn't want to...at least that is what he told my D.
You used tough love with your W and I think that is exactly what she needed b/c otherwise she would not have respected you and even if she did not return to that man....she would be tempted out of her depression to look for a new man. However, I doubt she will do that now without really thinking over the consequences of her actions. I pray that you (or she) will never, ever have to experience this pain again.
You will be able to soften towards her....b/c she is going to need you to hold her....I know that from my personal "withdrawal experiences". But, don't be her doormat. By that I mean to hold her feet to the fire like you said you were going to do with the phone bill checking, etc. I hope you will be careful not to treat her like a child (as you said) b/c that is how I felt my H was treating me and it made me act a lot worse b/c I rebelled. You are right by taking it a day at a time. I hope you can "reward" her in some way by letting her see that she has been "good" and that the "pay off" is worth it. How you do that will be up to you. But, I know with me (an almost WAW) I am working at being "good" and praying that we will make a go of our M. We need to see some encouragment to help us during the depression and withdrawal period. That will feel unfair to you b/c of what she has put you through, but I think you must still love her and can do that to help her. BTW, I like those authors you mentioned....they are really good.The information from the Marriage Builders web site is great.
Good luck and keep up the good work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Choc, I'm glad she finally saw the light. I will, however, warn you and you already know this, but coming from someone first hand (me), there is going to be so much healing YOU are going to end up needing to do once the dust settles. I know you know all of this, but I'm still going through it months later. Once things are grand and wonderful from her POV, you are going to be thinking "what about all the sh*t you just put ME through?" And when she's absolutely so in love w/ you again, you're constantly (at least I do) thinking "and you almost threw all of this away!!" However, I think all of that goes away w/ time. The trust seemed to be the easiest thing for me to deal w/ because I know he has no desire to do that anymore and he knows if he does it's over, however, the aftermath of the whole D sitch and the things he said & did to me are what are the hardest to deal w/ at times. You may find that you don't see your W the same way anymore and you probably never will. She will be an entirely different person to you, because the W you married would never have done & said the things she did. I think those are the hardest things to deal w/ when rekindling an M from the "almost left" person's POV.
I don't mean to be completely negative. I am so very happy that you two are going to get through this after all you have been through and all the work you put into yourself and saving your M.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
the aftermath of the whole D sitch and the things he said & did to me are what are the hardest to deal w/ at times. You may find that you don't see your W the same way anymore and you probably never will. She will be an entirely different person to you, because the W you married would never have done & said the things she did. I think those are the hardest things to deal w/ when rekindling an M from the "almost left" person's POV.
This is very true. And time can help. But it also helps to see the new R/M as having the potential to be better than ever. That takes a lot of conscious effort on the part of the LBS but it can work. I think part of our pride gets in the way and of course resentment, but our S's cannot change that in us. Only we can manage those emotions. If we don't, the M is probably not going to make it.
I'm am so in awe! You've done an amazing thing. What Cadesmom said is right, though and it is tough going. You might want to hang out on the Piecing board, where a lot of people are going through exactly what you will be going through.
^^^^^^5
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Or, he can stay right here at SSM where several of us ( unfortunately) have been working through the feelings of betrayal.
Choc, I can tell you that you will be going through lots of different emotions in the next few months, as will your W. It's all a test, which is a good thing. I firmly believe that if two people decide they want the relationship to work, it will. My H carries the ball on my weak days, and vice versa.
Resentment about the A does creep into my psyche, but I don't let it settle there. The way I see it, I have wasted too many years on a miserable marriage. I am ready to put that in the past. The other thought I keep in mind is something Corri mentioned on Hairdog's thread, that my behavior in the past has not been stellar, and who am I to judge my H so harshly? ( I'll have to find exactly what she said...I remember really nodding along).
If you read up on MLC, you'll see that it takes time for the MLC fog to totally clear, and your W may not be fully on board with the reconciliation stuff as works through the confusion. So give her a little time too.
We're at a point now that my H makes it clear to me on no uncertain terms that he wants the marriage to work. He is kind and loving. The sex is not even an issue.
I think our marriage will forever be different, but I would never go back to the old ways. And in any new relationship I would carry this baggage. It's been so worth it to me to give him another chance,to learn and grow from this, and I love the payoffs it's having in terms of the kids feeling more settled. I didn't realize how much the tension had been affecting them.
I think you have done such good work. However it all plays out, you have gotten the prize: renewed self confidence and esteem. I'd add you to the list of men I'd want my H to talk to if he gets conflicted again.
Quote Corri: That does not mean she is a throw away, unredeemable person. You cannot fix what you cannot see. And she cannot SEE right now. It does not make one thing she does excusable. Not one. But HD is not ready to throw her away BCUZ he knows there are things that he has done in the past to contribute to her mess.
