God, the devil or fate?

[*KS*Chick*]

you know PON....given the history of the relationship with my dad...and the fact that XH KNOWS all of it.....this just really shocks me.

Shows his true character though. I'm thankful for my D....but sad for her in the same respect.

[mkultra]

I know what you mean because my H puts most of the blame on me. I did not cheat but there is some Mystery X reason which has not been discussed that pushed him into his affair. He acts like he caught me in an affair and went out and had one for himself. I still am not sure what set him off but he is stubborn and sticking to his resolve.

I also have a Dad history and even brought that up, not DB mode but it spilled out.

I am sad for my D especially at her age, I guess it is awful at any age, huh, KS.

[*KS*Chick*]

Sunday morning - debated skipping church...got a text from a friend saying "just wanted you to know God said that the struggle is over for you (Mark 11:25-26)...so I went

My friend had asked me a month or so ago about going with her and her kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on Labor Day. I debated because again, I was putting my life on hold for someone else. Well he might be home then.....BLAH. So I asked her if the invite was still open after the "I don't love you like I should" and she said of course so we had a BLAST!!!!! 2 mothers, 4 kids - ages 12-3......WOO......

D had called X Sunday. She was having a horrible day, really mopey, saying she missed him. He called her back yesterday afternoon on our way down to the Lodge. I'll say I somewhat enjoyed her telling him all her cool plans....

He was planning on getting her Wednesday night, then when I had her call him back (he'd left a message) he told her he might try to get her tonight too. So whatever....

Then today, around 4 - I get a text "I'm getting her tonight too"

I wrote back and said it wasn't a good idea because she didn't feel well. We got home around 2:30, she ate her lunch, took a bath and asked to put her PJ's on. Played too hard. So he became the concerned father....asking what was wrong with her, and for me to have her call him at 6.

She woke up around 6:30 (I had texted around 6 to say she was asleep) -- I told her that he wanted her to call and she didn't want to. I think because we had a fun weekend, she felt like she would be rubbing it in his face.

Oh Lissie...........where are you?

Oy vey.....I'm just so tired.

[mkultra]

That is a great attitude. Your life is no longer on hold for anyone! You sound like an awesome mom. Stay brave.

[Lissie]

I am glad you went to the Lodge,

He is no longer your priority. You and the princess are the priorty.

First things first(I advise you this, b/c it works in my house)

A schedule.
you need to have a strict schedule, he can not just pick her up whenever he wants.

Sit down with him and get a schedule.(I know how hard this is, I can only email puffy, not sit down with him)

But you see, a transition for these kids, any transition, is overwhelming.

The kids don't want to hurt us.

So on top of them protecting us, they have to shift from their every day life,

It is draining,

this is what leads to acting out, and not wanting to talk or whatever.

(remember I am no child therapist, this only works with my kids)


If princess doesn't want to talk to chickenshit, then that is ok.

She is entitled to her feelings.

Let your x spew at you over it, but do not allow him to make her feel guilty over it.

My kids have a feeling journal.

Sometimes they don't want to talk to me, so my son writes it down in the journal, and I respond.

My 6 year old D draws for me, and then I ask her to explain the picture to me, when she is ready.

Under no circumstances to you bad talk chickenshit in front of her.

If she says, I hate daddy for not living here.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry, do you just wanna hug now instead of talking.


My kids say many times

I miss papi.

Let's count how many thing we miss about him.

They start talking and I say, Um how about when papi used to fart in the bathroom?

On a scale of 1-10 how much do you miss that.

And eventually we get to laughing, and they can move on from that pain. But in a positive way.

Change things in the house to make it more hers.

Let her feel her feelings, and mostly just listen.

They need to get it out.

Never use the princess as a messenger for you and chickenshit.

B/c they will feel an anxiety to not get the message wrong, they don't want to be the reason, why you seem upset.

It's hard lovey.

But you know what to do.

I trust in your parenting

And buy the book, the power of a praying parent.

He is not your focus any longer chick,

live it, breathe it, know it.

Your princess is the one that needs all your energy not chickenshit.

[*KS*Chick*]

I felt bad for her because she was struggling last night.

I found out later why she didn't want to call him...

From the sounds of it, she didn't want him to feel bad because she had a good time this weekend.

I think she might be old enough to start a journal.

Normally so far (this is all new) when she says she misses him, I say I'm sorry - I know you do.

I like your strategy though - asking her what she misses.

She doesn't want to sleep over there anymore - because she doesn't like sleeping alone.

I have always told him he could have her whenever he wanted, putting it on him. I want to be flexible with our time. At the same time, for him to go over a week without even speaking to her - well I'll not repeat my thoughts on that.

Thanks Lissie for stopping by.

I do have the book - will dig it out and put all the affair books away now.

UGH.

[*KS*Chick*]

I wanted to throw some ironic humor in here....

So a few weeks ago (when I saw him with her and packed his stuff up) he made a comment about how he'd NEVER take a woman to the restaurant where we met because that was our place. And he couldn't go downtown to pick up our divorce papers because there were too many bad memories....

So Saturday we were getting groceries and there he goes by on the bike with the COW on the back....and they were on their way to ... the restaurant we met at.

So much for his "word".......

[LoginName]

Good morning KS,
I'm posting under this one, 'cause it's got the most I want to comment on, but I've read yours, and the others, posts this morning too.

Lissie sure gives good advice.

Something that I've never understood, from long before my own personal sitch, is how divorced dads can act they way they do toward their kids. You're always a dad, no matter what happens. I've heard divorced dads moan about paying child support. I always thought, "dude, It's your kid! how can you begrudge them the little bit of money you send them?". In my mind, even if the Ex misuses some of the money, you still take care of the kids. You find ways to take care of your kids. I've got a hunch (not backed up by research) that men are more likely to walk away from the kids than moms are. My W left me and the kids, but she came back, and it kills her that she left them. In fact, I think the guilt is so strong that she has started denying to herself that she ever really left.

And what the dad misses when he leaves the kids. Kids aren't a toy that, when the OW, or friends, aren't available for entertaining you, or if You feel like it, you call them up and interact with them. You've got to be available to them and for them. People are selfish, and I can live with that, but not when it comes to kids.

With my daughter being in another state with my W, it's hard for me. I call daily, but I'm aware that my d has a life and might not feel like talking to me just then. It hurts a little when she says she'd rather watch a TV show then talk to me, but I want her R with me to be as easy and comfortable as possible. When she does want to talk, I drop what I'm doing and listen and interact. It's not perfect, but I won't lose my daughter if I can help it.

Maybe your Ex is starting to feel the lose of his daughter. Maybe some guilt is creeping in, and that's why he became more interested in getting time with her. He might not be a total schmuck.

I don't really know what the kids think, or especially what yours thinks, but I know my d has gone out of her way at times to "take care" of me. When my W was with OM, my d played cards with me, read in bed with me until time to sleep, talked with me. I thought I was doing those things for her, but I see now she was taking care of me. She felt guilty talking to mom on the phone, knowing mom wouldn't talk to me and that I was in pain. Poor kid. It's been easier on my kids than many, but they still suffer. And we owe it to them to make it as easy as possible and to make sure they know that they are not responsible - for the mess, the Divorce, for our happiness, etc. and that we are there for them and always will be. It touches me that your d didn't want to make your Ex feel bad by having a good time. I worry about her. She shouldn't feel guilty about having fun. I guess by being there for her, and being a good mom, you can help her get over that. I hope so. I wish I had some great advice on helping her not feel responsible or guilty.

I hope your Ex sees this and comes through as a real man, which means a father. If not, your job stays the same, doesn't it? You're a mom.

Take care of yourself too. I know you are and will do right by your daughter.

I think Lissie is right. Set schedules and keep Ex to them. Don't let him mess up your d by changing things around, making her a pawn in anyway, or using you. If he shows that your d's happiness and well being are his top concern, then you can be flexible, yes? I say that because despite everything, I really believe both my W and I have our kids best interests at heart and we would do whatever we can to help the other have a good relationship with the kids (of course, the best thing for the kids is for them to have two parents who lived together and loved each other, but I can't unilaterally make that happen). Maybe your ex could someday really be a dad again. From my limited experience, he might not ever be a really good dad again, but it's possible.

(Man, I'm really talkative right now, thanks for your patience). I think he may be feeling (cause I feel this way a little myself, having married my HS sweetheart at a young age) that it's his turn to have fun,that he deserves it, kind of an MLC thing too. He wants to forget his responsibilities and just think about himself. He can rationalise it, thinking that you are taking care of his daughter, so she's OK, and that she doesn't really need him all the time, she's OK, kids are tough, etc.

In the end, whether he ever realizes it or not, he's really cheating himself out of a wonderful experience as a dad, and having a good relationship with his d. Poor fool.

(of course, he's missing out on a good R with you too, but maybe that's better for you. And that brings up another hard question, what if he said he's sorry and he wants to come back? Could you take him back, would you want him back? I'm asking 'cause I fear that if my W doesn't move toward me, I will fall totally out of love with her, and not want her back if she decides she wants to make a go of our M. Do you worry about that? I guess, if he does want the M/R with you, and you've moved on too far, that it's his lose and that's it.)

I think I've rambled enough for now, and I should start working. Take care, KS.

[*KS*Chick*]

He has said he was never meant to be married or a father. I'm seeing that more and more.

As far as taking him back...honestly....it's anti-DB but no. I don't see me ever going back. He ran the plans by me and "tried" but never actually made the efforts it would take to save our marriage.

I can't believe him anymore. I've lost faith and trust in him. I know that "with God, all things are possible" but I had hope for such a long time....and now, nothing.

I don't want to be his second choice. I don't want to be what he settled for because his relationship with her didn't work out. I won't.

I was thinking last night. It seems this is his pattern. He was still with his son's mother (although their relationship sucked and she was/is crazy) when we were hanging out. I didn't realize it until last night that that's his pattern.....whether he knows it or not. Make friends with someone, spend time with them, and them BOOM.....you have a back up plan for when your current R fizzles out...

I agree with you that he is missing out. She's such a cool kid. We went to dinner together on Sunday and she talked my ear off. But she has a lot of cool things to say. If we had been there as a family, he would have been irritated with her, I would have been because she would most likely be interrupting and that's not fair to her. I need to enjoy her now - because before too long she won't WANT to talk to me at all.

[*KS*Chick*]

so I FINALLY found a new song for my myspace page that fits me right now How funny that it's also a DB principle LOL

If you wanna hear the song, check out my myspace LOL my myspace

Sara Evans - As If

Ooh Yeah

I love the way you wear those worn out blue jeans
walking all around in the big sunshine
Baby let me believe that you're perfect
at least for a little while

You don't have to tell me what you're thinking
You can keep all that to yourself
Baby we got such a good thing going
don't show me that you're someone else

{Chorus}
Cause Im acting as if
this blue sky's never gonna rain down on me
I'm telling myself
This true love's never gonna leave me lonely
Unless there's something I've missed I'm acting as if

We don't have to have a conversation
Baby don't ya think it's going fine
We don't need to send out invitations
to tell the world that you're mine

{Chorus}
Cause Im acting as if
this blue sky's never gonna rain down on me
I'm telling myself
This true love's never gonna leave me lonely
Unless there's something I've missed I'm acting as if

As if your sweet kiss is never gonna fade away
And the way you look at me will never change

Cause I love the way you wear those worn out blue jeans,
walking all around in the big sunshine

I'm acting as if
this blue sky's never gonna rain down on me
I'm telling myself
This true love's never gonna leave me lonely

I'm acting as if
this blue sky's never gonna rain down on me
I'm telling myself
This true love's never gonna leave me lonely
Unless there's something I've missed
unless there's something I've missed
I'm acting as if

Oooh Yeah

Oh Im acting as if