I am starting a new thread, because I have been reading,and talking to therapists, and other counsellors, and reflecting on the nature of this thing called MLC. I must stress that this is my view, and not hold anyone else responsible for the opinions!
Many of us who post have seen a common behaviour pattern displayed by our spouses, and I believe they are suffering from a severe crisis of identity, which occurs because they cannot any longer integrate the various personas they have created, in order to manage their lives to date.
Many of the WAS spouses have unresolved problems relating back to issues in childhood and adolescence. As Snodderly said in a recent post there is often some sort of incident or series of incidents in the period 18 months to 2 years prior to the Bomb.. These incidents may provide the trigger, as dealing with it challenges the current persona that the WAS has constructed..
The six stages represent, I think, an effort to see some sort of pattern, but what I believe may be happening is that the WAS spouse is living out, either fully or in past a whole lot of repressed behaviour. The anger and lashing out at others, and blaming them is a way of avoiding the pain and guilt they feel at failing themselves and others. The person they were living as cannot cope with life any longer, and they run away, sometimes actually, or they retreat form the marriage, and their former life. We see reports of a sense of entitlement and a rewriting of history in an attempt to face up to what they are actually doing,
Many of us have commented on the unsuitability of the OP. This claim is viewed with scepticism by some [We would say that wouldnt we?] but actually the pattern is that many of our spouses do hook up with someone who is uncharacteristic for their pre MLC persona. We hear too many reports of verified mental instabililty and drug taking to simply write this off as the LBS being uncharitable. One of my friends said that she regards spouses going off with someone suitable as a much bigger threat to the marriage. A body-pierced crackhead is hardly the person of most peoplee dreams.
All of this comes as a terrible shock for us, and we are devastated. We want our spouse back. It causes us to question our lives too. The advice given to Get A Life, is good advice. Our spouses may work their way through the crisis, and deal successfully with past issues. They may or may not want to return to their partner. They have done a lot of damage. They may be too proud or to stubborn to seek help. They may construct a little world that they can continue to inhabit.
Some will not deal with the crisis, and simply construct a new identity, and get on with their new life. In my view they will remain a walking time bomb, but that is their decision. If you dont deal with your past issues they will return and return, but it is a question of facing the pain, and not everyone can do that/
I believe the more we understand what is happening with our WAS, the more it helps us to come to terms with it, and to heal. Taking it personally was the most destructive thing for me. Seeing it as a profound crisis in which I was largely an onlooker, has given me perspective, and given me the strength to rebuild my life, and in my case, the patience to wait it out for now, at any rate.. Will he emerge? I dont know, he is one of the slower ones certainly. Will we still want to have a relationships with each other? I dont know. We both have a choice in this. My future is no longer 'dependent' on the outcome of his return, much as I believe,I would welcome it.
