You are right. Like you, I am not hanging on every word or trying to read into every action. I used to look around the house (not snooping!) when I was there to pay bills and try to guess what she was feeling based on books I saw on the table, rearranged furniture, etc. Now, I just don't care about stuff like that. I obviously am still intrigued a bit when she peeks out of the tunnel, but even now I brush it off more easily than before. I have not stopped paying attention, however. I am not going dark.
I'm moving in a month to a better apartment, and I am going to start some volunteer work someplace (have to decide where) in the weeks ahead. She knows how to reach me if she ever wants to work on the tough stuff together. I'd still like to, but there are days when I wonder if I really know her, and if she knows me. All summer, it's been like staring into the great void of outer space in terms of talk about serious stuff. A few, and I do mean few, trickles, but always by phone or email, and it's almost always been me trickling out stuff to her. My therapist says that's OK for now. No great pressure, but WAW's paradigm has been that I need to change. Well, maybe step one is to try to convince her that things are "moving" with me, that I just didn't move out without going in a new direction emotionally. Maybe once she feels "safe" (if she ever gets there) with that idea we can move on to what I feel are some other issues we need to address, issues that are more directly tied to her behavior. One step at a time, I guess, on a long, long road. Then again, maybe I'm just engaging in wishful thinking!! Maybe the M really is dead (but she has not said she wants a D; just no sign either way).
We obviously have a history, but I know I've been through so much the last three months that I am a different person. Nothing looks the same--me, her, us, the world. I'm not saying that I've got it all figured out, but I am enjoying the journey in a way. I started reading a book on Zen and love last night--never would have done that three months ago. I've got books by the Dali Lama on my shelf that I can't wait to get to! I miss my W, but at the same time I haven't experienced this kind of "jump" in discovery about anything since college. This weekend I'm going to a seminar on personal growth and intimacy in relationships in Massachusetts, and I'm excited about it. Never imagined doing that three months ago!
What have you found that works for you in terms of GAL?
