DONNA--finding herself #16

[Reincarnated]

I have all the insight I need. I am so tired of holding on to something that has been gone for so long.

H called after the kids were in bed. I should have let it go to the answering machine, but picked up.
He is done. I am done. I don't think that there is anything left to hold onto anymore. He does not want a R with me, period. Anything that I say or do is turned around that I don't care about his feelings, that he is wrong for every choice that he makes. He said that I must be trying to hurt him, since all he gets from me is not being able to let go (what he wants) and guilt.

I can't DB with him. I have tried, and just can't seem to do it. I'm not even a little duck-like, as every thing that comes out of him cuts me to the core. I am not detached, and still come across as desperate, if not needy.

He mentioned again that he doesn't think I can remain friends with him, that I am making it an all or nothing thing with him, and that he will have to be a prick and keep telling me that it is over until I get it. That it has nothing to do with the other woman, just me. When I try to validate how he feels, he just continues to add to the laundry list of terrible things that I did to him in the marriage.

I can't keep doing this. I get no where but pissing him off more. He doesn't hear me.

I am writing my good-by letter to him right now. And I will mean it.

[Sara]

Back to throwing water on the wicked witch. It won't make you go away. Tough. He had two children with you and you are their mother. He has to learn to get along with you. He is emotionally abusing you.

[mkultra]

Whoa, hang on. What about the 48 hour rule! Have you written the Plan B letter first..... Hang on. I am in a similar sitch, but, I dunno, I just want you to wait 48 more hours. It has been almost impossible for you to go to Plan B because H is always around. I know you can do this, go absolutely dark onto Plan B.

It does sound harsh but not irreparable. Not at all. H's words are cliche, right out of the Wayward's Spouses Textbook. My H has said all those same words to me too, almost verbatim. Maybe he is punishing you out of guilt.

I don't want you to suffer anymore. I certainly don't want you to feel emotionally abused either. Detaching is beneficial but there is always hope. Just detach completely without any drama. In his core, he is still there. He has dug himself into a hole so deep he cannot get out. Sorry. I know you already have everything you need to hear. He's a prick. Maybe you are just losing a bad man. I just wish he would feel remorse.

[Sara]

Donna, I don't know if you've been reading MKultra's thread, but her sitch is similar to yours. And she has a good therapist working with both her and the kids. She's in a good position to give you advice.

So, now I know what he does when he doesn't get his way.....he beats you up. Nice guy. Really nice guy.

[NikB]

Agreed mkultra... Donna, 48 hours on that good-bye letter, ok?? Really.

I know you need to reply to the birthday party thing before that but please wait on the rest.

Oldtimer posts often about detaching being important even in a happy, healthy M/R. It's not just for DB'ing. (yes, I still need to absorb this myself, but I kinda get it intellectually at least). So keep working at it... you're so strong Donna, I know you can do it.

[Reincarnated]

Well, luckily (?) I fell asleep typing and didn't send the letter. I am posting it here. I may end up sending it, anyway. I am just so tired.

During the phone convo, he had said that he did let CW go, she was going to go back to her H. Then her H turned back into a bastard and she went back to my H. But that it wouldn't matter anyway, he still wouldn't come home. I am just exhausted by this whole thing and feel so worn down. What is the difference between detaching and giving up, anyway?

Here is the letter (it is very long):

Dear H,

Good-bye, my love, my heart. If all that I have left to give you is letting go, then that is what it will be.

You were right, though. I don’t think we can stay friends. At least not for a long time, perhaps a few years. There is no other way that I can get over the love that I have held fast to for 21 years. I am deeply saddened by that, as I am sure that time will bring many changes to us both, and we will be strangers to each other by then. Maybe we are strangers now…no difference, either way. I never, not once, knowingly hurt you. But you have hurt me in ways that I had never even considered were possible…

I know that you are making the choices that you feel, deep in your heart, are the best for you. Of course you have a brain and your own perspective. It has become clear that your view of me has gotten more and more negative, magnified, as the time has past. We keep having the same discussion because I am afraid that you are making a huge mistake, and the effects keep rippling out to so many people beyond us. You are giving up so much that was important to you; everything that you listed to me tonight on the phone, as well as a woman who was completely dedicated to you, willing to make any sacrifice for you, who would love you like no other, who would work every day to bring you happiness and make you feel loved, appreciated and special, and who shares your children, your family, your history and memories. I can only begin to guess at the pain that you have been in to turn away from all of that, rather than have a life with me. I have been looking long and hard as to what I have done to drive away the one person who meant the most to me in this world, more than I valued myself. But, like you said, it is not my place to worry about you and your life anymore. I cannot control your decisions, but had hoped to still have some small amount of influence, impact on them. You don’t hear my voice anymore. Only time will tell which of us was right.

I am adjusting to the changes in my life better than I expected, actually. I have found strength that I was unsure of ever having in myself. I leaned so heavily on you, taking care of me as you always said you would. I am finding that I am really able to take care of myself, and the kids. The schedule will need some tweaking, but we will be fine.

And I know that the kids will end up all right. It reminds me of the school system with S, how they had to provide services, but weren’t required to provide the best services. So, they will make do with less than the best, but they are healthy, strong and smart, and will make it through this to the other side, too. My heart still hurts for them, though…I know intimately what it is like to want something so badly and not have any control over it, to be able to do something. I guess, in a way, it is better for them to learn that now.

I really do hope that you find your happiness someday. I don’t want to spend another minute being the person who you feel is standing in the way of that. And I am aware that there is happiness, other than you, for me, too. The kids are the major source of that right now, while they are still mine to hold, and they bring me joy every day. I love my family and friends, my career and students, and working with the community. I am rediscovering the artist and writer that I have put on the backburner for so long while raising the kids and dealing with Mom, etc. I am dancing when I can find the time. I put off a lot of myself while having and raising the kids, not to mention dealing with my sister and Mom. And I really started to flounder after she died; I started to feel overwhelmed by life, not able to manage all of the responsibilities and schedules that I had after she was gone. I am still not sure why that is, since I was doing so much of those same things for her. My focus had shifted, which was ok while she was sick, but I couldn’t seem to get it back all the way after she was gone. I looked to you, leaned so hard on you, then. I wasn’t trying to take advantage of you; I had become overly dependent. Everyday things were just hard. I needed you, and thought you were there for me out of love, because you wanted to be there for me. I did not feel the resentment that you hid, and I did not work hard enough to get back to being independent and work toward an equal partnership. I am so sorry that I was not aware of myself, then, and of what you were going through. I am still learning about all of that, and welcome the new independence and self-reliance that I have found.

The changes that I have made in myself, for myself and the kids, will not be wasted. I have heard everything that you have said, and I am still working very hard to become the kind of person who I want to be. Although I made mistakes and am still learning from them and growing, I feel that I am a worthwhile, good person, deserving of love and respect. You cannot and will not give me either of those things right now. You have told me that I was too late, that our marriage and everything that went with it is not worth it to you anymore. I hear you; I get it. But, I don’t want to spend my life without a partner, and I will take the lessons I have learned forward with me someday after the legal proceedings are final. Until then, I am still a married woman and will honor my commitments. I will carry regret with me always, though, for the part that I played in the failure of our marriage, and that I did not get to work on solving the problems in time. It was my job to research the ways to tackle problems, and I got there too late. Blind faith and innocence are lost.

That being said, I think we both realize that we will have to share the children as best as possible, and I will continue to do that. I still feel it is important for you to be part of their lives, in whatever way you are able.

In order to move on, I might need a few things from you. First, I will be going back to business and kid emails. I feel that you will not be calling me again, although you can when you want, but I will do the same. You don’t care what I am doing, how I am doing, etc., so I will stop looking for that. My pain and love are annoying to you at this point. Done is done. If we might be in the same physical space because of the kids, I ask that you please give me warning about it so I can decide if I want to be there. Also, if there is something occurring that I should know about, please give me some time. I will make an effort to do the same. I don’t want to grill the kids about what they did with each of us, or what the plans are. I also don’t need to know what is going on in your life that doesn’t concern me or the kids (which you have pretty much been doing for a long time, anyway); I’m sure in time I will wonder less and less. Maybe after some time has passed, we can think about working the old issues out with a counselor so that we can really co-parent rather than parallel parent.

The relationship that you have with the kids is for you to manage. I still don’t know what ramifications might happen if you continue to promote a friendship with the daughter of your married mistress with D. I don’t know how your son will come to see you. I will not be participating in those discussions, but refer questions back to you. The specialists that I have spoken to have all said that you should probably discuss this with someone professionally to minimize damage, but again, it is up to you..
I have told them how very sorry I am that we couldn’t fix this, and that the life we have now is what will be for a long time, probably forever. That they still have a Mommy and Daddy who love them both so very much, and that I want them to love you and have fun with you when they are with you. It was after that when D called you Tuesday night.
If you want to speak with the kids, then call them. I am not going to hound them to call you every night anymore or made to feel guilty when they don’t feel like it. If you don’t want to talk to me, you can buy them each a pre-paid cell phone to call them on. That might be a good idea, anyway. The transportation is becoming more difficult for me, as I have so many more things on my plate than ever before. I will drop them off this Wed at 4:30, but would appreciate if you could provide transportation to and from on a more regular basis, with me as a back up if something comes up. You can call when you get to the house for them to come out. I think we have the times set pretty well, now (4:30—7 for dinner). If it might be as late as 7:30, please make sure that they have both done their 20 minutes of reading before they get home. It is too late to do that, baths, pack for the next day, etc., otherwise. We should stay in touch via email about the weekend times; will Sunday home by 6 acceptable? I’d like them to have two hours to settle and get ready for the school week ahead. I am watching the kids (D’s teacher is aware, too, but says that she seems to be transitioning well in school—got a 97% on the math assessment this week) for more signs of stress and/or depression, and have talked to them about getting these feelings out with somebody. We thought of a list of people they can talk to: us, grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, teachers or others at school, even about counseling. I am backing off, now, while things seem quiet and/or distracted for them, and will just keep an eye on things and let you know

I did not “taint” your parents. What they saw was the natural reaction of a woman who is devastated that her husband, who she has loved every day for 21 years, has left her, and then found out that he was (and still is) sleeping with the woman who pretended to be her friend, came into her house, etc. They lived here during the hot tub days and bus stop dates, remember? You lied to their faces, remember? I have never slandered you (which would be lying). Your relationship with them will have to be worked out between you. I also accept that I have not only lost my husband and best friend, but those who I have called brother and sister, as well. I saw them as family, but in the end, you are blood and I am not. Again, I only told the truth of things (and yes, I did include what had gone on between us, what my faults were, before I even knew about the affair). But I also begged them to support you, be there for you, throughout everything that has happened. I know that you need them, and would never want to hurt you by standing in the way of those relationships. I am glad that they are there for you, as it should be.

I will be finalizing the rest of the bank and money stuff by the end of next week. I will be looking into a new cell phone, as you did not email me the password. It doesn’t make sense to keep all of this jointly if there is no other “us” left. I will separate other bills and such as I can, and will keep you informed. I would expect you to make the debt transfer by the end of September, as well. If you think it is more fair, just transfer over half, and I will figure out the rest on my own.

You have become so intertwined with the fabric of my life, that I can’t get away from your memory. Music on the radio, a smell, grocery shopping, watching TV, the starlit sky, going to sleep in the bed where we created our children in love…all things that brought me happiness lead back to a memory of you. And it makes me miss you, and what we had. It seems so long ago, now, but it doesn’t make me miss you less. IC has said that it will come in time.

But I am holding onto a ghost. The man who I loved is gone; he is dead to me. He was more than a good man. And I have to grieve. But I will also live, continue on. This whole thing has changed us both, so much. I hope that I am making good changes, becoming that person who I know I can be. I had hoped that we could make changes together, that we would survive this…but I am letting that go, too.


Be well,

Donna

[Sara]

Yeah. As always Donna, you write beautifully. But don't send it. First of all, you are wasting all your emotion and thought process on a person who at least right now, DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN. Save it, put it in your files. Someday, if and when he's interested and you want to explain how you felt you can use pieces of it.

I'm glad to see CW is not so true to him. Back and forth. It couldn't happen to a more deserving person. DON'T LISTEN TO HIS SPEW.

Send him an email. Dear H, After the unpleasant phone conversation last night I've decided it is best if we stick to email for all communication. Please do not call me unless one of the children needs emergency care.

That's all you need to say right now.

[Reincarnated]

Thank you for reading all of that, and getting back to me so quickly. Do you sleep? ;0)

I have to try to turn back into a teacher, now. Hope that your day goes well. I keep making myself stop every now and then to notice how beautiful the weather has been lately, with the start of Autumn.

[Sara]

Last night I only got 3 hours sleep. I went to be at 3, and then at 5:45 a friend called to tell me her dog was barking like a maniac, and what should she do. Like I know why her dog is barking. She is so dependent. She is getting divorced, and I've become her only friend, and it's too much for me. Now she won't even let me sleep.

[saffie]

Donna,

I agree with Sara. It is a lovely letter but I don't think your H is capable of seeing the beauty in it at the moment. Infact he may just use it against you. Maybe later is the time to show it to him. Be strong. You have come such a long way.

Saffie