Sorry your day was traumatic. I can totally see myself going the same direction. The whole trust issue is so huge for you both...like an iceberg, it's much bigger than it even appears.
Several weeks ago, I posted about a little exchange between H and I, nothing hotly contested, but something that made me think. And a good friend posted this to me:
"Just a thought as I was meandering by your thread...on the subject matter of lingering thoughts. You know I had a little "EA" while my W was doing absoluting nothing on "piecing" our M a while back. Since then I have had no contact with OW...absolutely no contact and yet every other day she is sure I have. Even to this day when I go to my AA meetings she is sure I am actually going to her house instead. The reason I bring this up is that NO...There is nothing we can do with our spouses thoughts or actions for that matter. I really believe in my gut reactions to a lot of things but with my sitch I also am understanding that the mind can create a lot of scenerios that dont exist...Sometimes insecurity tries to play itself as REALITY.. We cant control what our Spouse is doing or thinking and isnt that what Db'ing is about anyway. I have thought about OW from time to time and really do treasure the times I spent with her but I also realize I am in a better place now...my family is intact (as fractured as it sometimes is). I love my W immensely and that was my whole goal and intention in the first place. So I guess what I am saying is that I am SURE they are thinking about OP from time to time but it doesnt necessary mean that they would leave at a moments notice...WHY? Because what you all offer is FAR, FAR more than the other person can add....and that is resolute fluid of family and security."
This post helped me to realize that as much as I tend to jump to worst-case-scenarios when any little thing happens (which, IMHO is LOGICAL, given our recent experiences), I need to curb my instinct and allow H to do the right thing without feeling like every action is a federal case. Can he betray me again? You bet. Is he more likely to do so if I'm his safe place or his prison matron?
Our H's are flawed. So are we. There's a fine line between encouraging and enabling. It's tough, we'll fall off the line a lot. What matters is that we get back up and keep moving. You're a champ, don't forget that!
